Overwhelming relief

I know now, that what I've found deep within me, is the traumatised child that just can't bear it anymore. Although, it could be similar feelings from other ages as well, but most prominently, I feel this is from a very early time of my life, before the split. I whisper to it: "I want to see you again tonight, I need you. It's not just you needing me anymore, I need you too." Tears just streaming down my face as I form the words.

This is an amazing discovery, but of course, an incredibly sad one as well. I know that I've needed that child within me, for all of my life, and I've been searching for it without knowing where to look. To say that I'm relieved it finally found me, is a vast understatement. I need to nurture it, even if I can't possibly heal it. At the very least, I just need it to be close to me. Always. Forever.

I found what I thought I had lost forever... I'm crying again and again and again. I just can't stop crying. Tears of relief, of joy and sadness all at once. So much relief, it washes over in me in amazing waves. How is it possible?

I know I had to abandon that child within me, in order to survive. I didn't even know that back then when I still trivialised everything. But I haven't been able to let go of it, always reaching out for it, wanting for it to come back. "Please, I need you" I've always told it. I'm pretty sure this is my strongest reason for still sleeping with a stuffed cuddly toy tiger. I need the comfort, and somehow it has always made feel a little bit more connected to that, what I thought was, a lost part of me.

I've always known that I still hold on to cuddly toys way into adulthood for the reason of trying to connect with my inner child, and I know it might sound silly, but it's true. I had no idea it still existed somewhere deep within me, that it would eventually hear me, and respond to my cries. Invite me to its hiding place, despite being so very afraid of me. Brave, so very brave.

I want and need all the closeness I can get with this treasure. Bond with it. Damn I've been longing for it for so long now it feels like I'm just melting. No, I can't even remotely give an actually accurate description of this overwhelming amount of relief that I feel. There are no such words.