I'm 30 in two years, how did that happen? Not that it's a bad age though, it's starting to get somewhere. I think 40 would be even better though. More aligned with how I feel. Only concern is maybe my body will be even more annoying by then, in terms of physical pain and other random ailments that probably aren't getting better with age. Also if I do manage to bulk up my muscle mass, keeping such a physique after 40 would probably be a bit harder too. I wonder what I will look like when I get older. Sure I have my parents' genes, but I am and probably will continue living a much wilder lifestyle than they ever did, that will surely affect my ageing process, or at least so I hope. I don't want to look as young as them when I'm their age. And somehow that sounded like literally the weirdest sentence ever... bare with me.
Yeah, I actually am smoking for the reason of it making me age faster. At least that's part of the reason, and a pretty big reason at that too. I do have a reversed age crisis (although I'm probably hiding it pretty well), meaning I'm just a bit obsessed with trying hard as hell to look way older than I ever have. Like around 20 years older than my actual age, so that I'd look closer to around 50 years old. Not succeeding so damn well though, as I still look like 20, which is too disappointing to even think about. But yeah, I do try with smoking, skipping sun screen, drinking, the way I dress, keep my beard and sometimes makeup although very careful about that last thing for it to not look just stupid.
I do believe it's pretty rare, to be young, look even younger, but wanting to look much older. I really do want to add decades to my face but I have no way of achieving that, except from just waiting then. All the other stuff, or at least smoking, drinking and skipping sun screen, can at best speed up the natural ageing process. But it's hardly like a reversed face-lift operation. Although that would have been interesting if it existed? Definitely wouldn't be able to afford something like that anyway though, and it will probably never exist. Just like that facial masculinisation surgery I kept dreaming about. Whatever.
It's hard to say what exactly I want the most to change about my looks ageing-wise. But yeah, wrinkles, more greyish skin tone and naturally grey hair/beard are certainly some of my favourites. More visible veins is damn beautiful too. More spots and other interesting details is nice as well. Over all, I think I see a lot that the older a person gets, the more interesting, detailed and in a way, unique, they look. It fascinates me and I want that too. And the colourlessness is appealing as well. I do always picture myself as male no matter how much older though. But I've noticed that quite often, men and women start looking a lot more similar to each other in the higher ages. Meaning like 65-ish and up.
Like I don't know if the thought has struck anyone else, but me knowing that literally no wrinkle or spot is ever the exact same on one person as on any other, that does spark something in me. So yeah, uniqueness is probably a strong reason as to why I find aesthetic beauty in it. But there's more to it. Like more people actually listening to you and showing respect, if you don't look like a spoiled brat or immature teenager, or a lazy 20-something year old.
But I do feel like I'm ungrateful for my youthful looks. People are already freakishly jealous of how the hell I manage to look like 20 when I'm almost 28. I don't fucking know? I'm doing everything I can to erase that youthfulness! But it's not going anywhere! But I'm almost sure that the same people would have an even harder time understanding my situation if they knew about me wanting and doing all that shit to look somewhere around 30 years older than how I actually look. That's more than the twice the age my face looks like.
The smoking does wonders for my skin though. Seriously. I'm pretty sure it's because of the smoking that I no longer have oily skin, but tends to lean over towards dry, but mostly it's just neither dry nor oily. No idea if it has any impact on the acne though (however it's almost gone now, which is especially lovely), and I do want more and deeper wrinkles. Especially around my eyes. I wouldn't need makeup if I had that. But yeah I really love that one, although shallow, wrinkle across my forehead. I sometimes do try to deepen it a bit with facial movements. Not sure if that helps much though.
Not sure what I wanted with this particular entry, instead of writing about something actually relevant to what's going on in my life nowadays. It's getting better though. I'm back to eating which goes better than before although not perfectly yet, and I'm on quite a long streak of good days, almost a full week. Not euphoria good though, just good. Not done anything harmful to myself or anyone else. My weird sexual fantasies are kept in check. I'm just up to anal play these days and it's only positive and amazingly pleasurable. I'll definitely keep up with that, carefully and safely.
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