Endless hunger

This has gone far beyond the point of being weird. It's leaped right into insanity. What of it? All of my sexuality. I've somehow become extremely hyper-sexual and I realise this isn't really PGAD. It's something else. Is it the testosterone? Is it my sudden self acceptance? Or because I've gone off almost all of my meds?

I really can't wrap my head around this. Yeah I'm aroused around 80% of the time, I think about sex, write about it and masturbate at least 60% of my waken time, possibly even more. I wake up from wet dreams almost every night. I do weird things. Sure trying out anal isn't exactly weird, but I do think maybe tasting my own piss and shit for sexual reasons might tap into the weird category.

I know this is TMI, but I try to exclude as much details as possible and only sticking to what's relevant to my sudden question of what the fuck is wrong with me?! Me and my god damn extremes, I mean seriously? Someone needs to kick my extremes in the ass. I'm tired of this shit. I can't keep up with myself. It exhausts me to constantly try to make sense of whatever is new, unknown, dark and fucked up to a considerable degree.

Not only my actions are weird and slightly disturbing at least to me, but my fantasies are running way wilder than ever before. I even write down some of the extremely fucked up and illegal ones, some I never even told you about, just hoping to Satan that no one will ever find that shit on my computer at some point in the future. I know I really have to keep myself on a very short leash to stop myself from trying to act out on that shit too. At least what I think I could quite easily get away with.

It's so fucking intense I'm crawling out of my skin. Cause all those fantasies that I've suppressed for as long as I can remember, suddenly given free space in my mind, are eating me alive.

If I would describe my sex drive on a scale from 0 to 100, if 0 is completely asexual with no sex drive at all and 100 is the complete opposite... Then before testosterone I was somewhere around 10 or at most 20, meaning very low and seldom occurring, mostly only when I was drunk. Then on testosterone it rose to about 40-50. Then about 4 months ago it rose again but this time all the way up to 80-90. And I'm still all the way up there. Still comparing to how it was before testo. Going from 10 to 90 on that scale is really extreme. I don't know what to do.

I know, I've always considered my increased sex drive from testo a side effect, something unwanted and difficult for me to just accept, just like I regard the acne as a side effect of that too. But I always knew that no matter what, taking testo was always going to be worth it. It still is. And I really don't think I can blame this current insanity on testo alone. But what can I even blame it on? Nothing makes sense.

Shit I've got such a bad headache right now. I don't know why. Haven't eaten much today, my appetite is still non-existent. For the past 6 weeks and counting. I've thought that it's possible that it's my crazy sex drive that's killing my appetite. You know I can't eat while I'm aroused. Maybe I should look into that. But if that's the case, I have no idea how I would solve it. Talk to my therapist about it, or a doctor, or both. Don't care about them thinking I'm just too damn TMI, that's their fucking problem. It's relevant, it's a worry, it's bothering me, which are all valid enough reasons to bring it up no matter how uncomfortable they may or may not be.

Whatever. I don't even feel physically hungry now, but that's probably just because of all the coffee. It's probably up at at least 8 cups for today so far, although it's 5:14 Saturday morning but I count from 11:30 am when I got up on Friday, extremely pissed off about the fact that I didn't even hear my alarms so I missed the trans team's calling hours. I still kick myself over it.

I'm exhausted, I'm tired, I want to sleep dreamless sleep for three weeks straight. Oh, also they kicked me out of school today, so maybe I'm a bit bitter about that too. They didn't even warn me first. Well I'm not surprised, I haven't been there for the past two weeks now. I lost all my motivation to study, got too caught up in my chaos, can't focus on anything else, can't fucking concentrate. It's just starting to get out of control, and that's all I really know.

For some damn reason I started thinking about that time I made out with a homeless man. Damn he was amazing. On my way to dMz in Uppsala one day, back in early 2011. Suddenly he was just there, on the street in the middle of the night. No one else was around. Old, unkempt, dirty clothes in neutral colours, awkwardly layered, a faint smell of old sweat and dirt in the breeze. His glistening eyes, tan skin, medium long dark brown hair with some grey streaks, bearded face. I'd guess he was somewhere in his 50's, possibly of middle eastern background, maybe 5-10 cm taller than me, quite thin.

He told me I was beautiful, with an unfamiliar fairly thick accent, harsh on the consonants. He asked me if I was a boy or a girl but then said it didn't matter, that I was just beautiful. He held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes while he kept telling me how beautiful I was. Somehow I just lost track of time and space completely, I held him too, pulled him closer, this perfect stranger I had never even once seen before. I was sober. Gazed into his eyes.

He asked me if he could kiss me, I gasped yes and it was me who went for it. So soft and warm, his tongue in my mouth. I don't know for how long we kept at it. I wanted more but worried about it maybe not being safe being more intimate with that man and I was on my way to a party. I never could forget about that moment, it felt magical somehow. So very unexpected and completely amazing. Again and again I keep kicking myself for not having skipped that damn party and brought him back home with me instead. I don't give a damn, I should have been with him.

But maybe it does say a bit about how careless and wild I can be. I do not fear or avoid the people that most other people seem to, no I'm drawn to them the most. The difficult ones, the not often wanted ones, the unusual ones, the outcasts. Cause I feel like I'm one of them somehow in ways I can't explain. That certain "otherness" that often differs so much from person to person. But yeah, I really do think there was indeed something extra special about that perfect stranger that I almost gave myself to just seconds after meeting him. That's a bit unusual even for me.

I wonder what exactly happened in that moment, what made us both disappear so fully into each other, never having seen each other before. I never even knew his name. Obviously being two very different people of very different walks in life. I don't think he had followed me, although I honestly don't care if he had. He didn't come across as creepy, scary or violent in any way. Just sweet, passionate and maybe a bit lonely. No, I didn't give in to the kiss cause of pity or wanting to be kind, it was way more intense than that. It was like my entire essence wanted nothing more than to feel his lips on mine. Yeah, I should have gone further, I definitely wanted it. He didn't seem to have minded me being trans at all. Why didn't I?