Small adventures

Okay, one more half crazy life experience that I can cross off from my to-do-list: taste my own piss. Really didn't expect it to be quite that revolting though. I mean by far one of the most disgusting things I've ever consumed. Actually the only thing I can think of that tasted worse was when I accidentally drank drain cleaning fluid. (It really was by accident, I mistook the bottle for lemonade, so well, at least it was diluted with water and just one sip). I don't have anything to compare the whole piss drinking experience to, but it was very acidly, bitter, basic (opposite to sour, like soap) and actually had a strong chemical taste to it. Maybe my ammonium levels are unusually high, or something.

Other than that I don't know what could cause it to taste like that, as it wasn't at all what I was prepared for after what I had read about it online. I expected it to be salty due to me being dehydrated but I didn't notice any saltiness at all. However it was dark yellow, almost orange in colour, like it usually is. My messed up diet and excessive coffee-drinking habit could maybe be possible causes, or the medications that I take, but seriously? If it was almost as bad as freaking drain cleaner, I mean what the hell? Should I be worried about this?

Doesn't feel like the kind of thing I'd want to bring up with a doctor... "Hey doc, I just drank some of my piss and it was really gross, should I be worried about my health?" Yeah I can see how that would be a quite funny conversation starter though.

Geez, it's been like 20 minutes and I can still feel it clinging to my gums and tongue. Huah. No I really didn't drink a whole lot of it at all, just a sip, as fresh as it gets. So it's not like I had it stored for some time prior to drinking it either. However, most of it had been stored in my body since sometime yesterday, meaning well over 12 hours. Maybe that could be a factor, I don't know.

Haha, it was so freaking bad that even if I'd be stuck in a desert with no other means of getting fluid I'd fucking hesitate and be more like "maybe I should just die of dehydration instead". Or have some of that drain cleaner. But I don't regret having tried it, at least it solved my curiosity that had been brewing within me for at least the past 4 years now. I've always planned to try it but kept putting it off all the time. I always worried it would be a huge disappointment, but this fucking takes the price. It literally tasted like poison. I have no doubt that it might actually be poison. Now I know what to feed my potential future enemies with though.

I really need to rinse my mouth with something now though, I can't even stop grimacing. I'm guessing this next cup of coffee will taste like a fucking dream in comparison. Although I did state it as half crazy, I know it's not that damn weird actually. A lot of people have tasted their own piss without it being that big of a deal, it's just that media likes to make it seem like an act of pure insanity unless you're literally stuck in a desert. That damn media.

However, moving on. I know I'm not getting away with not saying anything about how the appointment with that gynecologist went, as I just got back home from that. It went better than what I feared. Sure it was only women in the very small waiting room, but I got called like as soon as I got in there so that was a bit of a relief. Also my gynecologist was very nice and kind, which was good too. We first sat down talking a bit about my bleedings, my testosterone, she asked me if I had been to a gynecologist before (I told her I have, 2-3 times, which is true) and she asked me about what I planned to do in terms of SRS or not, so I told her about that too.

Then it was time to face the chair. I was nervous as fuck but kept myself together and kinda focused on my breathing and staying calm. I know it's just been a more and more traumatic experience to seek gynecologic care for me. Partly because of my constantly increasing dysphoria about my nether region, and partly because passing better as male each time does make me feel more and more out of place at women's clinics.

She did an ultra-sound exam, uhm, from inside, which was very uncomfortable but I knew it was going to be and I just tried my best to relax while looking at the screen showing my insides in grey scale. She looked around for maybe half a minute, then told me that everything looked fine in there. I got dressed again and we sat down to talk again. She told me about a nose spray that I could try if I wanted to, which would basically trigger menopause symptoms somehow. I told her it could be worth a try. I didn't even think to ask if it could make me sterile (unless I already am, can't know for sure) but probably? Not that it matters to me. Oh wait that would be great if it will actually, cause sterile should also mean no more fucking periods. And yeah, I do want to be sterile, just to clarify. I see it as relief. One less thing to worry about.

She said that usually she wouldn't advice patients to take it longer than 6 months, but that she wasn't sure if maybe I could take it longer due to me being on testosterone. Since well, me being trans and transitioning does make me a bit of a unique case apparently. I know I'm part of a minority with that, and also I've been told that this period issue that I got also happens very rarely with trans men on testosterone. The reason I can maybe take it longer than 6 months is that for cis women taking it, it could lead to bone sensitivity, but me taking testosterone could possibly prevent that from happening but it's not certain.

So, I do plan to contact the trans team in Huddinge as soon as I can muster enough courage to just pick up the phone. Which is silly cause according to the website where I got the number from it will just be a machine answering in the other end, and they're taking calls 24/7. So I shouldn't be so nervous about it, I mean. However my nervousness is far from always logical.

My mother was kind enough to pick up and buy the nose spray for me while I went out for a cigarette (yeah she drove me to the hospital and such, but she certainly wasn't with me in the exam room), it's called "Synarela" 200 micro gram/dose and I got two packages of it. However my mother was shocked by the price, which she said was 1000 kr. So it's finally over and the nervousness wore off as soon as the exam was done, however her poking around down there did cause me a quite severe, burning pain right after which still lasts as of now, 3 hours later, although it's milder.

I really don't know what's up with the vag these days, but every time anything goes in there, it causes that really intense, burning pain. It feels a bit like a chemical burn. Similar to when I put shaving foam in that area (which stings mildly with a slightly warm feeling) but like a 100 times worse. It only gets like that when anything is inserted, not when touching the outer parts. And not the nicest place for that kind of sensation. I did find a cold stone formation to straddle on when I was out for a smoke right after at the hospital though, which somewhat helped easing that pain, but it was still pretty bad.

I really don't think it has to do with any kind of std or such though, and it's extremely unlikely that I would have an std. Like from where or who? Unless I've been sleep walking and fucking my neighbours without knowing I have, but that's probably quite unlikely too, and who says they're infected with something anyway? I think they're all in the middle age range, married and have children and I don't know if it makes me bias or something but I just don't think most people in that category have a lot of std's.

And well yeah, if that extremely unlikely scenario somehow would be true, I'd be far more upset about that kind of activity giving me std's than the activity itself. It's not like I remember it? And also I don't mind fucking people that I don't find particularly attractive or married people, so that's not even concerns of mine. Been there, done that, worked out fine. (Would do it again too.)

The only thing I can think of is actually causing that severe pain is the atrophy from testosterone doing a real number on me. Also the bleedings. Cause before I got those back it used to be very thick in there, so it was more protected, although still hurt, but now the walls are pretty thin due to the frequent bleedings emptying that stuff out, so it's very very sensitive in a far from comfortable way. It almost feels like it's just an open wound there now.

But whatever the case, as long as it's not something dangerous like an illness or infection, which doesn't seem to be the case at all, I'm not interested in treating it. Cause even if I could treat the physical pain away, I still don't want to make use of that hole due to dysphoria. I've had enough of it and all the emotional distress it's caused me over the years. I'm so fucking done with it.

It's been getting worse, every time I meddle with that area, like every time is worse than the time before. I know I did try to... well, experiment with that while masturbating a couple of weeks or so ago, maybe even 3 weeks ago, just to see if I could even remotely like it again. I wanted to give it one last, honest chance. Just so that I could leave it behind me for good without being haunted by that annoying "what if" feeling. Not that I really wanted to though. But yeah I was very aroused, lubricated and used lots of lube as well, and was very relaxed, but it didn't matter. Barely touched the entrance and instant fucking unbearable pain that then lasted for hours after. Nope, I'm never freely putting anything up there again unless I absolutely have to.

(By the way update: eventually today's pain down there had vanished completely after roughly 5 hours after getting it.)

But I'm really not bitter about this at all. I don't give a fuck about that hole anymore, cause well I did find something better, as I've quite recently discovered that I really like anal. Yes I'm careful, take all necessary precautions ever having been mentioned on sex education places online, from various sources too, and I will continue to be careful in the future as well. Especially when I'll start to feel ready to invite other people into that amazing world as well. I do really look forward to that in the future, but I certainly won't just jump straight into it any time soon. And I know it also has gotten me to start worrying a little bit more about the potentially higher risks of one day getting HIV if that's the kind of sex I'd be the most into in the future, also since I'm sure I'd be most into it with cis men.

I did read up some information about that, just to educate myself about the risks and such. However I'm not overly worried about that it might happen at some point in the future. Sure it would suck and I'd do my best to try to avoid it, but I somehow don't think it would be the end of the world if it would happen eventually anyway. Life comes with certain risks and that's something I do accept in a lot of aspects, although far from all aspects.

But it really does feel like a great relief that I do find enjoyment and pleasure in that, like I really needed it somehow. Maybe weird to call it a comfort, but it kinda is to me. And somehow it does make me feel more comfortable with my body as well, at least knowing that I do have something to work with. And knowing that there's just not a single doubt ever about me wanting SRS now. Not that there was before either, but more like I went from being 100% sure to 110% sure. Cause it's always very nice to feel even more sure than just sure, you know. Especially when I didn't think I could get even more sure.

I do hold onto those little glimpses, of pleasure or comfort, things that do make me smile and stay hopeful. And yeah, exploring anal definitely is one of those glimpses these days. Suddenly masturbation isn't just a necessary chore anymore, but actually something I tend to look forward to. But I feel hopeful without hoping too hard for a much better future then. Just a slightly better future is enough. For now at least, then I can continue working on it to make it even better from then on.