One step closer

Decisions decisions. I've just made a big one, which is that I'm going for bottom surgery in the near future. Will actually contact the trans team in Huddinge about it relatively soon. Only thing I think I should do first is trying to figure out what's currently wrong with my nether regions. I'm referring to the bleedings, that also sometimes provide me with downright excruciating waves of lower abdominal pain. I have no idea what's up and frankly I don't really care, but I just assume it would be good to at least try to diagnose the situation if I can. I mean, it's possible that they won't find anything wrong with me.

And if that's the way things will go, I'll just take it from there and contact the trans team. I plan to tell them about my issues with the bleedings and such along with informing them about my wishes and need to go through with bottom surgery regardless of what's up with my nether regions at the moment. I just have the feeling that if it's not something serious that would need immediate medical attention and a surgeon would consider it safe enough for me to just go through with a total hysterectomy anyway, then I absolutely want to do that. That kind of procedure should take care of my issues anyway.

As far as I see it, I'm not looking for perfection, I'm looking for an improvement. And I'm not comfortable or feel confident with my current downstairs situation. The only two things that held me back from making this decision before were my wish to have a child and my worries about the possible complications of the surgeries. In all other regards, I have definitely been wanting this for at least the past 7-8 years. I no longer want to have a child, that wish is gone and honestly it feels like it was never an authentic wish but much more like an obsession or fix idea in combination with my biology doing its thing. When it comes to my worries about complications, I can't say they're completely gone, but rather that I feel they're risks that I am willing to take as I feel the good/pros by far outweigh the bad/cons.

I know I want to go for metoidioplasty and total hysterectomy. I also know what I want to go for more specifically and detailed than just those two general methods. But then I'd also need to discuss about it with my surgeon on what he can actually do. I mean, some techniques that I want I've gotten the impression are not generally advised to undergo, and something else that needs to be taken into account is also what I have to work with, meaning stuff like if I'd even be a good enough candidate for that surgery method. I really hope I am though. I think I've gotten enough growth from testo, but can't be entirely sure of course.

I have no interest what so ever in going with phalloplasty instead, I'd only consider it as a last resort if metoidioplasty would either be something I'd be strongly advised not to do or I can and do go through with it but massive serious complications fuck up my result to such an extent that phalloplasty would be the only way to improve things from there on. It could happen, so I do keep that in mind, but I'm not really overthinking about that possible situation.

Damn I'm just looking forward to this so much! This is so weird but I actually feel great mentally these days. Not only because of looking forward to bottom surgery, but just in general. I feel... relieved, confident, powerful in some way, eager to start working against my goals, I don't worry or fear much at all, focusing a lot on positive things while still often thinking about negative things but they don't get me down.

I wonder how many times the word "penis" has showed up on my browser these past few weeks... My research is going on strong and I've really put my back into it to learn about specific details I hadn't been able to find before. One thing that's really great about having waited this long before making my final decision is that there were a few procedures about meta that the surgeons just didn't ever perform here in Sweden a few years ago, but now they appear to. So I've been focusing most of my research into what can be expected of the various procedures here in Sweden, as how that type of surgery is done is apparently a bit different from how it's usually done in the US, where most search results are based on in any google search.

And right now I feel really damn lucky to have stumbled across an international, apparently quite large, online chat forum for transgender people. Or well at least they have a huge section in the ftm part of the forum only for discussions about bottom surgery, and somewhere on the 4th page I just happened to find a thread written by a Swedish transguy (no I don't think I know him) who in detail described his experience going through literally exactly what I plan to down to every little detail, and he kept updating during the initial healing process up to around 2 months after having had the operation. And it was pretty recently as well, meaning not a decade old thread, but from about 2 years ago. I consider that thread a precious goldmine. Seriously. Although I'm perfectly aware that my own experience could turn out vastly different from his.

I do have it as another kind of goal to start exercising and eating better as well, but for some reason it didn't cross my mind that during the actually pretty damn long healing process after meta surgery and after the not quite so long but still just as important healing process after hysterectomy, I won't be able to do much of any kind of exercising. I'm talking several months of healing time altogether. And also it seems that just the meta surgery would most likely be divided into 2 different operations with healing time before and after each one. So that's 3 different operations one after the other, which probably means it could easily be a full year when any exercise beyond light walking would be out of the question. So... good I at least eventually thought of that.

This just excites me so much, and I really don't think I'd for some reason be denied having that surgery. Sure I'm not the most healthy person but I just can't imagine that the health issues I do have are in any way too severe for it. The only thing I can imagine could be a concern would be my bleedings, but considering I'd get hysterectomy first either way which should definitely take care of that problem regardless of the actual reason behind their occurrence, I very much doubt that could in any way mess up my chances of getting the meta done.

However, my research will most likely continue for quite a bit longer and also I'm thinking about creating an account on that chat forum and ask somewhere there if anyone has any idea about my bleedings. Might be worth a try at least, since it seems to be quite a large community with users from all over the world, and since there's still like 3 weeks left of annoying waiting for my appointment to see a gynecologist, I might as well keep trying to research that stuff too. My appointment is set at February 6th, in case that's of any interest.

Haha I'll probably be having "fun" when I'd have to decide what to tell my teachers at school when surgery dates are coming closer cause I'll be needing time off then. Meaning if I'd feel okay with telling them the truth or if I'd feel the need to lie a bit to get out of an awkward conversation. Cause damn I've come to despise trying to explain various transition related procedures to clueless cis people. Most of the time they're way too curious and eager to know for me to feel even remotely comfortable as they just keep drowning me in endless amounts of questions and assumptions. That stuff tends to leave me both very uncomfortable and exhausted, and sometimes even feeling violated, so yeah.

I really don't think any of my current teachers are even aware of my situation with my sex/gender. So if I do decide to tell them what's really up, I might get a reaction of surprise. Or I hope so, that I'm not that obviously trans-looking.

So much has started to become clear to me about myself lately, and I mean very recently. I feel like I've suddenly come a huge step closer to my soul or something. To knowing my true self, beyond all the human crap that was imposed on me, and to be able to distinguish what's me and what's the human stuff. I know I've for quite some time been feeling like I could possibly be non-binary in some way and I thought I was male and something else as well, thought the term bigender could fit. But now, I feel it so clearly, that I'm fully male. I realised that all through my life, I've only gotten closer and closer to feeling entirely male.

I've noticed that I really do like the idea of being a small guy, and that I like having small features almost all over. I mean, first thing is my height, although not being incredibly short, I know I'm definitely in the short-man-category. I think that's my absolute favourite thing about my entire body. Never have I wished to be any taller or shorter. I often find myself saying that I have "the perfect height", but whether or not there's any actual truth in that statement, it's truth to me and something I'm very happy about. I also like that I have small hands and feet, a small head and a fairly small frame all over. If only my hips would follow that pattern, but whatever. I'm hoping that decreasing my body fat percentage and bulking up muscle mass will at least make my hips less obvious.

Knowing this I just realised that this also goes for my junk, meaning I've always preferred having a small dick. I'm pretty sure having a big or even average sized one would feel very strange and alien to me. Like it just doesn't go with how I picture myself at all. Although I am very concerned about the fact that I'd definitely prefer having a dick over a pussy, so don't equate wanting a small dick with being fine with having a pussy. Nope. It has to look and feel, at least a lot closer to that of a cis male than that of a cis female, for me. I think though, that that rather specific wish of mine can be a great advantage in my particular situation, making the meta surgery option kinda close to ideal.

For me, I need to be in a place where I'll know I've done as much as I can in the right direction before trying my absolute best to accept the current situation whatever that may be in the future. I need to live my life to the fullest, and to me that means working towards my goals in a way that I feel would be the most beneficial for me.

I'm also (again) re-evaluating my sexual orientation. That endless fucking nitpicking. I'm simplifying it however and will most likely just call myself gay from now on. Knowing I'm also leaning to asexual, I'd probably only disclose it if I feel it's necessary in the context. I was however hit by the thought that maybe I feel like I'm asexual because of my dysphoria and insecurities messing me up. Truth is, at this point and ever since I started with testo I have been in a constant state of confusion about what I would even be sexually interested in. So to the point where I've nearly given up on it. But, if there is any real truth behind that being a reason, I still doubt it would be the whole and only reason.

As far as it goes, I know I'm most of the time repulsed by my own libido/sex drive and don't often have interest in being intimate with other people, and I only masturbate to get rid of the feeling, although it only works temporarily. However, I am very curious and interested in trying harder to find something that could work out for me. I just know I have to basically start from scratch again, which would be necessary after bottom surgery anyway. I doubt I'll be interested in a romantic relationship again any time soon though. Can't be bothered with all that emotional stuff and I'm way too selfish and stubborn about my ways to be able to even feel it would be worth it. All I can think I would be up for in the future would be shallow friendships and casual sex. People I could dump when they're starting to get annoying or too demanding of me.

So, my thoughts on sex post op are that I'm curious about exploring a whole lot of stuff that have more or less always been fascinating thoughts to me. I see it as a great opportunity for improvement, but also of course I'm mentally prepared for things not turning out the way I would like to hope. But so what, I'll never know before I try. Being able to penetrate during sex isn't really something I'm interested in. More so in being on the receiving end of that if anything, but not vaginally. Cause ever since I started taking testo that's just been... I don't know, let's just say it's a fucking hassle trying to make it work, so to the point that it just never really has. Yeah and dysphoria is a bitch. And honestly I'm sure I'll be feeling relieved to not have a vagina anymore. To me, it causes like 100% problems and maybe like half a percent of pleasure. So, it's just not worth all the damn trouble. I'm mostly just gonna take things as they come when it comes to post op sex. Hell yeah I'm bound to bump into problems of various kinds on the way, but really why should that stop me?

I can't really stop thinking about it. All kinds of aspects. Everything from imagining consultation for the surgery, to waking up right after it, to the healing process, to the future beyond it.

Fuck, they had my gynecologist appointment re-scheduled to February 15th. Fucking assholes. Oh, and I guess I should wait a considerably long time before thinking about getting a nipple piercing. Anyways, that's all I can think of at this time regarding bottom surgery and everything related to that. And I have been working on this damn text for about a week now, I've reached a point where I just don't know what more I could possibly add to it.

By the way, I'm working on a reply to your latest message on facebook but got severely stuck in what to say a few days ago and I'm still very stuck. Not sure what to do to get unstuck but maybe I should just start over again with my reply and take another route or something.