So it's the dreaded anniversary again. 10 years and counting. However I'm very little focused or concerned with what happened this day back in 2007 today. I'm still far more busy with worrying about my Anna-situation, and what happened this morning.
Only got barely 3 hours of sleep this morning cause I tried to get my ass to school but felt way too nauseous and headachy for that to be possible, and I dreamed so much weird shit during those 3 hours. I had to ask my subconscious to "drag me down" into the unknown darkness in there as that was the only way I could "sleep". I still don't know what I'm actually doing when I do that, as it doesn't feel like falling asleep at all. And it always brings me to the same place, where the same kind of scene plays out.
My best guesses would be that it could possibly be some kind of trance, an out of body experience of sorts, or even self-hypnosis for that matter. I have to be in a certain state of mind for it to work, a very weakened state, but physical tiredness is not enough. It has to be rather extreme exhaustion as well. It can't happen by itself, I need to push myself into it for it to work. I usually do form the thought "I want you to bring me down" directed towards my subconscious mind, which kinda works as a switch that starts the process. It does feel very scary, like I'm being pulled away from reality or sucked into a black hole, upon request. I can also imagine it could be compared to taking some kind of drug, although nothing that I've tried so far, only from what I've heard about drug trips gone wrong.
It starts with a tingling sensation in my entire body, like when a body part "falls asleep" but all over. It gradually intensifies as I also become less and less able to move any part of my body, until I lose consciousness and shift into a very disturbing nightmare world. I can't really time it, but I think that process takes about a couple of minutes to fully complete. I do think that what I'm actually doing, is tapping right into the core of my subconscious mind, and it's very dark and nasty in there. I think it could be though, that the reason as to why I always get so incredibly scared of what I find in there, is because I ask to end up somewhere I'm not supposed to be. And that basically that part of my mind views my presence there as a threat, so it attacks me.
It really has become like something similar to a horror movie addiction, as I can't seem to stop doing it for some reason. However I don't know if what I'm doing is even safe. If it is what I think it is, could I be causing conflicts and disturbances in my subconscious that could possibly lead to my own mind attacking me, also when I'm fully awake? I surely should bring this up with my therapist, as she might have an idea what this could be categorised as, and maybe also tell me if it could be dangerous if I kept at it.
It's so incredibly intense, really like nothing else. And although it's scary as fuck, it's also very fascinating and amazing to experience. No I don't take any drugs to make this happen. Sometimes I've been on my regular medications or had a bit of alcohol but that's it. No illegal scary stuff that could mess up my brain. And when I did this this morning, I had only taken my current dose of 75 mg Tegretol which is the only medication I'm on these days, and had 3 drinks of vanilla vodka and coca-cola which I had already sobered up from. I really don't think any of that could in some way "cause" such a reaction. It's beyond that.
Maybe it's some kind of very deep meditation, for all I know. I'm basically completely clueless as to what I should call this. Google can't help me... again. Are my problems really that fucking rare, or what?! Or if it even is a problem, I don't know. It could also be that my subconscious isn't trying to attack me because it doesn't want me in there, but because of all the massive amounts of pain and fear that lives there, due to all the shit I've been through in my life. All that I've been bottling up. Maybe it does want me there, but it's just so fucked up that it attacks me out of pure fear? After all, it let's me in. I ask to be invited.
My goal has always been for me to one day not be scared when I'm in there, but if I want to continue with this, I could take it a step further, and attempt to heal it. Love it, care for it, comfort it. I really did do the opposite of that this morning, unfortunately. I realise now I shouldn't have done that, attacked it back. I'm so sorry. I'll be a lot more kind next time. Maybe I could be onto something with this, that maybe it's not really dangerous at all, if I change my agenda like that, it could maybe possibly even be a good thing?
I am definitely willing to try it. I've been at it enough times now to know what to generally expect. It's always a distorted version of the actual room that I am in, and there's one more person, or thing, with me there. It's been you, Anna, my mother, my sister, my best friend, people I haven't been able to place, and then also a lot of indistinguishable "monsters" that don't even look human. They always attack me, torture me (tear my skin off with hands or claws, bite me, or attack me with various weapons such as knives, saws, baseball bats, etc), scream at me, dismember me and what more. I clearly get the message that what I'm actually facing is myself, and that part of me is very scared and feels very threatened. Like a cornered, wild animal, attacking in self defense. I can't abandon that part of myself who is essentially trapped in there. I have to help that me, any way I possibly can.
Yes it's horrible to experience being attacked so brutally by such a damaged part of myself, but I think there's definitely a reason as to why I keep going back to that, over and over again. I'm drawn to it for a reason, and it's not cause I somehow like being tortured. No, I feel for that me, and I don't want to leave him. I want to heal him, or at least try my very best to be a comfort. Damn, I'm crying. I found something very precious deep within myself. A treasure. And I should treat it as that.
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