I still have the pussy version of a boner that hardly ever goes away. It's been somewhere around 9 hours now and it's getting physically painful. It began around 11am and it's 8pm now and it's been consistent all that time. I can't deal with my body right now. I have no idea what to do about this, I just need to rant, vent, hoping ideas could come to me eventually. I'm worried it could mess up my bottom surgery, especially the healing process. And I know that frequently masturbating is the only way I can even remotely cope, and you're not allowed to masturbate for the first 3 or so weeks after that type of surgery as it's pretty invasive and all that jizz. I don't think I could possibly deal being without that for 3 entire weeks, but I'll have to.
I keep shifting between still feeling great mentally, and falling down into some kind of despair and confusion. For the problems I can't seem to solve and for my dark past that haunts me more than usually. I've been thinking more and more about confessing about that horrible thing I did when I was 9. But I can't risk my transition over it, I can't risk it over anything. So I have to wait and keep it together somehow.
10 hours. I'm screaming at google for not giving me any answers at all. Fuck you, google, fucking fuck you. I won't let it stop me. Fuck, I won't let anything stop me. I don't care if I'll lose it all. I don't care about the risks. I know it's God still trying to make me miserable. This is war, and I'm not taking my guard down, I won't stop fighting for anything. Whatever he might throw at me.
It's okay if my prayer to Satan about this won't ever work. It's not like it was a demand or anything from me anyway. Maybe some struggles I really do have to face. I'll deal with it somehow. And no, not even googling "how to lower your sex drive" provided me with anything that I haven't already tried and failed with. And yeah, if I really do have PGAD (persistent genital arousal disorder), I'm pretty much fucked. Or I could hope that maybe even just having SRS would accidentally sever just the right nerves down there, although I think that's very unlikely to happen. At this point I don't know if maybe it would even be better if I could instead choose to never feel anything sexual at all anymore.
I'm torn, not knowing which of those extremes is/would be worse. Cause not only is being constantly aroused really fucking annoying and physically painful, it clashes pretty hard with my body dysphoria, lack of interest in sex and difficulties with closeness. All of that mashed together is a really fucking terrible combination. And I know I sometimes try to joke it away, but what else am I supposed to do? No, there is no cure for PGAD, and it's difficult to treat as there is not one good method but just a whole bunch of random ones that don't work for everyone.
I know that my sex drive increased massively when I started taking testosterone, as it went from being fairly low to above average. But now it's freaking way off the charts and much more of a painful and distracting problem - than it has anything to do with pleasure. Although if I can't treat it, and somehow will manage making it through the healing process after SRS without too serious complications, I hope my dysphoria will be a lot less severe (which I do think it will, I really can't see why not), and that that could make it... I don't know, easier to try to get myself a sex-life that could match this insane libido.
And I know it's a shitty idea but honestly it's the best one I can come up with, if all else fails. I'd rather become some kind of sex addict than just sit on my ass and suffer. Not saying I wouldn't suffer as a sex addict though, but maybe that could be a little less shitty out of two shitty options. Not like I have career to worry about losing, and I'm not interested in having any long term relationships to potentially ruin either. So I'd only have myself to ruin, basically. Maybe some friendships too if I don't watch out. Not like I wanted happiness anyway, right?
But it's not like that's the first "solution" that I'd jump to. More like a last resort. I know I have an addiction personality and I'm already addicted to masturbation (and I've been ever since I started at age 9, I just didn't really tell you about that), so I'd probably be spinning down that rabbit hole pretty quickly if I would choose to try to go that route. If I can overcome my issues with closeness, that is. Or just run the fuck over them.
I wonder how many hours I could try to wait this out. Last time I tried to wait it out, it took 3 days before I eventually caved in and masturbated. 3 fucking days. And then of course it was back again within an hour. And no, watching videos of gore or other gross things, horror movies or even eating something doesn't work anymore. Nothing does. But I need to try to abstain, see if I could even possibly manage maybe a week.
Yeah it started sometime in the beginning of November last year. I don't think it's going away on its own, although I hoped it would in the beginning. And of course this must be why I have no appetite anymore, cause always when I'm aroused I lose my appetite, and I'm always aroused now. Now that's another shitty side-effect. I'll look into getting diagnosed and try out whatever treatments available after my SRS. Until then I'll just try to find ways to manage. I can't risk possibly not being allowed to go through with SRS if the doctors know about this. Of course googling it gives no advice at all. I'm glad it's an at least somewhat invisible issue.
Although yeah I'll probably be having lots of fun at the women's clinic when seeing the gynecologist next Wednesday. Hope I won't orgasm during the exam at least. I'm sure that would be awkward for both me and her in that case. Same shit could of course occur also at surgery consultation whenever that might happen. Especially if I'll get the same surgeon who did my mastectomy, cause he's kinda hot. Somehow I'd be more okay with the latter though (maybe cause I'm gay), but still embarrassing nonetheless.
11 hours now. I can't tell if there's any pleasure left of the feeling down there anymore at this point, or if the constant pressure of too much blood only causes pain now. Stared into the fridge for 5 minutes. I can't eat anything right now. Last meal was 10 hours ago. No I'm not deliberately trying to starve, just that some days I can't force much of anything down. I always have to use force when it comes to feeding myself these days. Every. Single. Meal. I haven't had any appetite at all for over a month now. Still no apparent weight loss though. I even try to aim for filling and extra calorie dense food so that I can eat less without compromising my health too much. I take vitamin supplements when I can remember as well. Really suck at eating vegetables and fruits nowadays, so most of my diet consists of protein-based stuff, carbs and fibers. My stomach is only somewhat okay with this.
Can't help but letting out a sad and suffocated giggle over the complete fucking irony of being a sex-repulsed, traumatised trans man with severe dysphoria who gets PGAD. Someone up there really does have a knack for hitting exactly the right buttons, and obviously has an even darker sense of humour than I do. Yeah, yeah, have your damn fun then. I'll get my revenge sooner or later, be so sure about that. I guess I'll just, laugh at my misery in the meantime, or something like that.
But I'm not really feeling miserable though. I'm frustrated, pissed off, sad, confused, kinda scared, more pissed off, at a loss of what to do, annoyed and did I mention pissed off? I'm not gonna let it stop me from still trying to reach my goals, although I realise it will most likely make that journey even more difficult than I first anticipated. As I've already said, it will likely make my SRS healing process a fucking hell to go through (still worth it however), it will likely also make my plans to start exercising and eating healthier harder as well cause of my serious concentration issues and complete lack of appetite, and basically doing anything that requires focus will be even more difficult to do.
I don't even dare to hope it can be treated in the future. Now this is by far the shittiest physical condition to ever hit me. My chronic tension headache is a fucking midsummer night breeze in comparison. And why does it have to be something rare and incurable? Fucking annoying.
Okay, rant over. Guess I'll play some WoW or something now as I can't really think of anything else to do. Let's just say it's 12 hours and counting now, at 11pm. No idea how much longer I can stand it, or if I could fall asleep like this. I'll probably wake up in the middle of the night with my hands in my underwear again. Whatever.
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