Okay that nose spray seems a bit scary after having read up on it now, so I'll take it with much caution and be sure to check for any strange or upsetting symptoms. Now I'm not sure what exactly my estrogen levels are at the moment, but whatever is the typical male range. However, reading up on that nose spray, it said that what it does is kinda messing with the part of the brain that regulates hormones. (And I'm literally spraying it right into my brain). So that during the first 2-3 weeks of taking it regularly it will trigger my body to produce way more estrogen and progesterone than normally... however after those first weeks, it will instead nearly cease the production of those hormones completely. Jikes.
Sounds like one hell of a roller coaster. However I'm not sure at all what this means while also taking testosterone. Just how much extra female hormones will come rushing through my body, and what will that make me feel like? And killing off the same hormones after that, what if it will reduce them too much? Doesn't all human bodies essentially need at least some of both testosterone and estrogen? Or is it rather like as long as I have testo, I really don't need estro at all? Or does it only effect the hormones produced in my ovaries, and not the adrenal glands which are the organs responsible for the low amounts of estro that biological males have? I must say that I'm a bit confused right now. Just go with it and trust the doctor? Sounds like a plan.
But anyways, it also said that it's essentially only used for two things, this nose spray: treating endometriosis and as preparation for getting inseminated. That does make me feel a bit weird about it taking it for an entirely different reason. Okaaay, let's just do this. Argh, fuck. There's quite a high risk I might get hives (again) from this shit. Otherwise I don't think most side effects would even apply to me. Except from the lovely stuff like depression, mood swings, acne, weight gain, headaches, muscle pains, insomnia, increased libido... and that's just some of the most common ones, meaning more than 10% of people taking this gets that stuff as side effects. This can get interesting...
Urgh, just took that stuff in one nostril as I was supposed to, but it's running down my throat now. Tastes really damn horrible, to say the least. Yeah I followed the instructions precisely, but no I don't know if that's supposed to happen. I'll swallow it down with some coffee soon. Not much else I can do about it. Doubt it will kill me. Most of it actually seems to be running out now, both down my throat and out through my nose. However that might be good cause I was just out for a cigarette (helps me think more clearly) and I started having serious doubts about taking this stuff.
At least I think I should talk to the trans team about this, to make sure I'm not messing shit up by taking this, also in regards to that it might be possible I could get at least just the hysterectomy done relatively soon as that isn't quite an as "extreme" or controversial surgery, and not even exclusively transgender related either. Lots of cis women get it done too, for various reasons. Also it's performed by a gynecologist so I could most likely have that done here on Gotland instead of having to travel to the main land for it. I mean if it could be just a few months or less until I could get that, then I don't think it would be worth the actually pretty considerable risks of taking this nose spray stuff.
However, it sucks that my mother then payed literally 1000 kr for this stuff and I might not even take it. I should have stayed in the pharmacy with her when waiting in line for our turn to get the prescription medication instead of having gone out for a smoke. Then when I would have heard the price I could have possibly chosen to back out of it. Although it's not certain that I would have. Just why is it so difficult for me to think sometimes?! I mean seriously.
Sure I'm certainly not worried about this one dose of it that I just took, and not only cause most of it seemed to have run back out of me again, but because it's literally just one dose. So I'm not worried about that at all cause I have no reason to be. But I should have asked the gynecologist more about what kind of drug this actually is, what exactly it does, the possible consequences of being on testo while taking it and maybe talking to the trans team first before prescribing me a hormone altering drug?! Nah, didn't think about that. Fucking glorious.
Can I possibly blame my complete brain-fag at the time on all that nervousness I felt in that exam room due to going through that ordeal of being examined down there? I really don't know. Glad I came to my senses at some bloody point, at least. Damn.
So I'll try my very best to contact the trans team already tomorrow and hope they'll call me back at latest some time next week, since it's Thursday tomorrow and I think they're gonna be too busy on Friday to call me back quite that soon, but whatever. I really do want to deal with as much of this as possible on my own, without my mother, as I do think it's important for the team there to hear from me directly about as important and deeply personal stuff as bottom surgery, and these damn complicated hormone and period issues that I have, rather than sending my mother to talk to them about that stuff. I also think me being independent enough to actually manage that would be seen as a good thing.
Damn how did my life suddenly get so messy? Periods, being prescribed weird drugs, wanting SRS, Anna being a total nut-case, PGAD, complete loss of appetite, insomnia, loss of empathy, and all those dark thoughts feelings and experiences I've had these past nearly two months now. I'm feeling a little bit stressed out. Seriously. Shit needs to calm the fuck down or I'm gonna need some space to breathe every once in a while. Well if it's one thing that's for sure it's that I will never cease to surprise myself over and over again. Keeps life interesting, huh? Well that's certainly true, although it does come with a catch.
And that catch is that I will also never get any damn peace of mind or stability. Of course I said that I don't even want a calm and safe life... cause I know I'll never have that. As much as it annoys me, I know I also need it to keep myself going. It's my strongest driving force through life. To always keep changing, taking unexpected turns, exhaust and surprise myself, get thrown out of my comfort zone, face my fears and get new ones, take me out of a rut or habit, it basically forces me to continue living even when that's the last thing I want to do.
I always use to say that I "took the crash course" when referring to my entire life. It's said both with a sense of humour, and a gut-wrenching fear of having to literally rush my way through experience after experience, never being able to just stop, breathe and take it all in. I think my final cause of death will be pure fucking exhaustion. No matter how or when I'll eventually die, I will most certainly have lived.
No it's never been my intention for my life to be like that, but I do strongly feel it's somehow in my nature, the way things just become, something that I don't have much of any control over. It's not just impulsion leading me to do crazy things, it's like things just start happening on their own and I'm being helplessly sucked into them, even when I fight hard to not end up in that storm. If it doesn't matter if I fight or not, then why fight? It would only cause even more distress if I'm gonna constantly try to go against something I obviously have no power over. I can't stop a fucking train coming towards me no matter how much I try when I only have my bare hands to use.
Of course not everything happening in my life is just random shit being thrown at me, but what then, should I opt out of the things I truly want to do just because I happen to live in a storm that never ends? Fuck no. I'll fucking ride that storm and that's why I said no to safety and comfort. Cause I can't carry those things with me wherever life seems to be taking me. Of course I would want to. I didn't leave them behind because of not wanting them, no... I sacrificed them. Cause I'm gonna need all the damn strength I can find without being able to carry safety and comfort with me. The main two things most people need to find any strength at all. No, I don't know how that could be possible, but I need the journey towards that even if it's not possible to achieve.
Some things I can control and change, but not everything. And I see my limits now, and of the few choices that I actually have, I certainly do think that riding the storm is far better than trying to fight it, ignoring it or just letting myself be carried away with it without wanting to. There's no way I can avoid it altogether, that is not a possibly available option and it has nothing to with what path I choose to take in life or not.
A path, I could possibly see as a guideline or general direction, but it's too framed and structured for me anyway. I know I did take the path towards light earlier, then changed to the path towards darkness, but at this point, I realise that I'm not on either path anymore. Perhaps I don't want to restrict myself to any certain path at all. Not such an "all of life" -kind of path at least. Good, evil, light, darkness... why stick to a specific one? Of course I'll still take smaller, less all consuming paths in life though.
Like with Satanism, or towards some kind of artistic career, or start working on actually one day getting a black belt in karate, continue exploring my sexuality and immerse myself in the gay male community with just a slight fear of being spat out again for being too weird and trans or whatever, towards becoming more independent which still includes moving to the main land and so on.
I've actually gotten the idea that I might want to aim for Stockholm instead, cause of something wilder, more exciting, a lot scarier and far less familiar, completely new for me, and also for more opportunities to study, parties, working out, meeting new people and so on, as there's so much more there, but we'll see what I'll eventually decide for. It's both a very scary and exciting thought, which is what makes it so alluring. My mother certainly wouldn't think of it as a fantastic idea though. Stockholm is in many ways bigger and more complicated especially considering my low stress tolerance, shitty sense of localisation, huge need for personal space and what not. It would be a huge change from Hemse on Gotland. Basically as drastic as it can get without moving to another country. From small village on an island, to the capital city.
Also, I was kinda given a quite good advice on my finding apartment issue, some time ago, which is that I apparently do have the option to literally switch apartments with anyone else now. I didn't have that option with the LSS-apartment, but with this one I do. So, there might be a slightly higher chance of me being able to get off this damn island eventually. However I do think I should prioritise SRS and healing up properly before I really start the hectic finding apartment chase and everything necessary involved with moving for the 8th time in my life. Also I really need to make up my mind on where I want to live.
I should start looking into and reading up on, and maybe also try talking to other people about, which parts of Stockholm could be more or less good or bad places to live. I definitely won't afford living somewhere in the city core, so it would have to be one of the more outer parts then. South, north, east or west doesn't matter to me. There are quite a lot of them to choose from as well, and I have no idea which ones would be better or worse to live in. I could if I wanted to, maybe also look more into some places of Stockholm where I have friends living if I'd want to connect with them.
I do have around a handful of friends and acquaintances living within or very close to that city, even though I'm not really particularly close to any of them on a personal or emotional level. However I don't think I'd need to become super best friends with them just because I'd decide to live within roughly the same part of the same city as them. But it could be a good way to sort of, ease my way into that city, kinda. If I'd be worried that it would become extremely overwhelming but still be something I'd very much want. It's a thought that I think is good to keep in the back of my mind, at least.
Yeah I know my best friends still live in Uppsala and they'll probably also grow old there, but just because I want to live closer to them, I also don't want to have this vague nagging feeling within myself that "what if I only want to live in Uppsala specifically because of them living there?" because my decision on where I want to live should most importantly be based on what I want for myself to live the life that I want to have - and not based on that safety and comfort that I so desperately cling to all the time.
I tell myself as I stand by the decision of maybe skipping Uppsala and move to Stockholm instead: "Let go of the past and move forward instead, focus on the future, but live in the now, don't go back to what was safe and comfortable before just because you don't know anything else. Remember all those times you visited Uppsala again and again since after it was no longer your home anymore? Remember that feeling, each and every time? I know you don't want to acknowledge it, but it's there for a reason. That feeling of no longer belonging there, of having left it emotionally already long ago. All that you once loved about Uppsala won't suddenly just come back to you just because you want for it to. You've moved on, whether you wanted to or not. You've already said your last goodbye to the only place on Earth you could ever call home. You know why. But there's more. Explore. Your friends will still be there around the corner for you to visit, but don't start depending on them again. Live for your own dreams. Dare to take a leap and make the most of it."
Cause maybe that's exactly what I should do? Skip the safest and most comfortable, just because it was the best at the time. It isn't anymore, I've always known that but just kept blocking away that feeling cause where the fuck else was I supposed to go? I can't stay here! But there certainly is more. I just need to face my fears and take that leap, out of my comfort. Maybe you understand better now as I suddenly do, as to why I had to change my entire world view, soon after New Years Eve. I see now that I didn't quite understand my decision to change direction, or even which direction to take, so I took the first best one. But it wasn't an over the night kind of decision. It's a decision that I'm still making and I will continue to make it for probably quite some time more.
I'm changing my life, and I know I wanted to take you with me on that journey, but somehow my decision to be at your side made me change focus off from myself and I got lost. I'm not blaming you for that at all. Remember that you once told me, it must have been sometime in the beginning of April last year, I can't recall your exact words, but your message was, that we should still focus on our own paths while still walking side by side. That's exactly what I so obviously failed at, and I couldn't even see it myself. I was on the right path in March last year, not because of exactly how I wanted my life to become like back then, but because it lead me here.
The beginning, the first few steps I took into the right direction, and my decision to be with you, all the intentions I had with us in the beginning, was all good. And I do believe I somehow managed, or am close to manage, to restore it into something that could be good again now, although it should be different. Even though I keep messing up a lot still, I have a confident feeling that no matter how much I keep bouncing in the wrong directions on the way... I will also just as much keep bouncing back to where I'm supposed to be as well. Maybe it is a bit of a pendulum effect going on right now, that I need to let swing around and eventually it might balance itself out. But somewhere between the then and the nowish, I did stray. Or rather, I just stopped.
One of my biggest mistakes were not that I listened to you, but that I stopped listening to myself. I do listen to myself now. I listen very carefully. Although I still can't clearly hear my own voice, and I don't understand much at all, but I know at least I have my ear to the right direction and I keep my focus as steady as I can. I always move to extremes, I cannot find balance by trying to look and listen everywhere at once. I have to start within myself, then slowly, gradually move outwards. That's why I'm diving so deeply into myself now. I have to start there at the very bottom before I can slowly move my focus more outwards again.
Perhaps it wasn't the right timing for us. I don't know. I'm 50/50 about that. Cause I know everything happens for a reason, at the same time as I still doubt that there is always only one way that things can go. Back to the illusion of choice, I guess. A concept that rings right with me, but I cannot fully grasp it. But I can feel it, that I do know what it means, I just haven't found that part of me yet.
I'm getting hungry, I want to play WoW, I can't keep writing forever as this train of thought seems like an endless flow of words. I know, that I always feel as if I'm close, so very close, but every time I reach out my hand, I'm miles away. It keeps me going, it keeps me focused, even though I can't even tell how far I really am behind. It doesn't even matter. It might seem like I'm just flailing around with no goal, but I just can't see my goal clearly, though I can feel it like a strong driving force within me.
I have to keep going. And I'll keep going not knowing where I'm heading, stumbling through darkness, tripping over light, and all I know is that I have to keep moving even though I'm scared that maybe I'm just getting all the more lost. And I know I might already be very lost but I just know that as long as I keep moving eventually I'll find my way. If if that means spinning in circles for 2 more months or even more. Stopping is the last thing I should do now. Doesn't matter how exhausted I am. I know it won't always be that way. I know I keep saying that I just want to find my way home, but at this point, it's much more like I'm creating a new home for myself. In everything I do, in every place I am. At least I'm trying and that's all I can do. At this point I can't be too consumed with finding the right way, now I need to find just any way at all, a way that I can navigate from. I do stop and look too, but yes I am afraid of stopping for too long, I don't want to end up there again.
One last thought for now, about my take on abandoning happiness, I think I was onto something, but found the wrong wording for it. What I meant was something more like: self improvement, understanding, knowledge and even wisdom, are all more important things than happiness. Happiness shouldn't be my goal, but my reward.
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