Did I know all this when I made my decision to prioritise my transition over dealing with Anna? No. I hadn't yet seen her darkest sides, I hadn't yet realised what me causing her dysphoria could possibly eventually lead to, I hadn't yet come to fear for my own safety from her. Now I do fear for the worst, while still firmly standing by my initial decision. Either choice could have been just as disastrous, knowing life wouldn't have been livable at all without transition. There was no choice, there never was.
All I can think of now is how to possibly protect myself from her. I don't know if that would be possible. I've never been able to prevent a switch before. Of course google is of absolutely no help as always. So damn useless. I don't know if it would be any point in asking around among people online, as it seems most people just simply refuse to give you any decent advice on how to deal with difficult alters and such if you say you can't tell a professional about your situation. They don't want to risk giving potentially harmful advice so that they're to blame in case shit goes wrong, which is understandable I guess. But might be worth a try anyway.
I know I shouldn't fear her, and she didn't tell me straight out what she's essentially planning on doing, but I sensed it and she confirmed it. I don't want to go into details, but it's not just about rape this time, she plans on going further than that. To permanent physical damage, something I wouldn't be able to fix. Mutilation. I know I can't back out of it, I know I can't let my fear stop me, can't let her stop me. I can't let her win.
However I strongly feel this isn't something I should just blatantly ignore either. No, I didn't see this coming, but I should have known, if I had just looked a little bit further than to my own nose. Of course it is a possibility that she's just threatening me with no actual intention of actually going through with it, but I don't think that's a risk I should be taking.
Yeah, I'm trying to be cool about it, I haven't yet reached full on panic. I need to figure this out, preferably without having to deal with panicking as well. And I ask her, this isn't just because of your dysphoria, right? In fact that isn't your main reason at all. You want to take away something very precious and necessary from me. Your intention is to subdue me, not to justify your own pain.
Sickening, yes, but that could actually be the slightly better of the two. Cause I think it would be easier to try to prevent her from harming me if she just wants to cause harm in order to subdue me - than if she would be acting upon a strong inner pain that takes over her. As far as I know, it's generally easier to reason with someone's thoughts than their feelings.
However I'm fully aware of how damn well nearly impossible it is for me, or anyone, to reason with her at all. She always has to have it her way, no matter how unrealistic or unreasonable it may be. I might have a chance though, if I can think of a better solution, a better offer, something she wouldn't be able to resist, and basically try to make a deal of some kind. Bargaining. However there would still be a very high risk that she'd accept the deal, take my offer and still go through with what she plans to. I can't trust her.
I feel hesitant posting this, but I needed to vent.
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