Rat in a maze

I want to do something else besides writing but I can't figure out what. Might as well update you on what's up with the life situation here while I still can't stop writing (probably up at around 6000 words for today already, however I only ever want to share small parts of everything I write down, as most of it I only write to get it out of myself).

In short:
- I'm still struggling to eat but I do get around one meal a day, and it does taste rather good while eating it, into my system which could be worse and it's likely somewhere around 1000 calories a day (two thirds of what I should be getting, roughly) and I haven't lost any weight yet, but yeah that appetite is still severely lacking and the doctors can't help me with that.
- I'm very addicted to masturbating (with my still very high sex drive I'm at it around 3-5 times a day) especially with anal play but can't do that now because of my ass being too damn sore for me to even remotely enjoy it but the high sex drive itself doesn't bother me anymore.
- I might lose my apartment over my anger issues.
- Things work well enough with my new therapist although she can definitely be too enthusiastic and easy-going at times but I keep it at a professional kind of level and accept that we're not compatible on that specific point but she's very accepting of me being trans gay and what not and apparently I was also lucky to get to have her as my main contact within the psychiatry according to my contact at Försäkringskassan (where I get my allowance from).
- And that place is pushing me to enter a program designed to find out whether or not I could get and hold any kind of job by the time I've turned 30 cause she says I'm not very likely to get that other kind of allowance after turning 30 years old which would push me out to the job market in 2 years from now.
- I've also mentioned I might want to start practicing karate again which they can pay for me if I just fill in an application for that but it might interfere with surgeries in the future (hysterectomy and medoidioplasty).
- I'm trying to get hysterectomy specifically done as soon as possible not only because of trans issues with dysphoria but as a cure for my bleedings but I'm okay with having to wait up to somewhere around 8-ish months for that to happen.
- I keep trying to get a hold on the right doctors and other such people within the medical field to get closer to having SRS but so far I've reached a dead end with that and will have to start from the beginning with contacting the trans team (Anova) in Huddinge Stockholm again after a bit of a circus.
- I keep getting suicidal thoughts because of all the shit in my life currently but I don't give into them because I still want to live.
- I'm seriously considering "moving" to Stockholm and live there as a homeless person if I lose my apartment here but won't take off to there until after all of my surgeries, cause if that's the only way I can get off this island I'd rather be homeless in Stockholm than live with my parents unable to ever get an actual apartment legally again.
- And the only thing about my extremely messy situation that is somewhat under control now is my issues with Anna.
- Also I need to bring up with my therapist about possibly getting more psychiatric diagnoses that I think I might have to strengthen my reasons for getting that other kind of allowance after I've turned 30 which I was told about during a meeting last Friday with my contact person at Försäkringskassan.
- On a not so important note I've also discovered I'm actually in many ways closer to being ambidextrous than right handed, perhaps not 50-50 but more like 60-40 or something which is damn nice.

Phew, that was a lot at once. Might have forgotten something but not anything I can think of right now. I'll add more to the list whenever I can think of more shit though. How can I go into detail about one topic without going just as deeply into another and so on until I've gone through all of them? It would take me more than the whole night and it's already 1:01 am. Need to sleep at some point. But not just yet.

I wanted to reply to your last message at the threshold, but I couldn't find the words and then I got lost within myself again. I want to reply at the same time as I don't. I keep coming back to your message yet I can't make myself write a single word. I'm somewhere else. Oh, what I didn't put up on the list, is that I think this is very likely a quite severe form of a dissociative under-category known as "derealisation" meaning I do not connect to or view anything around me as real at all or in any sense. Not even my own body.

Only thing I feel is real is my own damn mind. Not so strange I get lost within it most of the time then. Maybe I could most easily describe it as whenever I touch an object, no matter what it is, may it be my desk, bed, balcony rail, cigarette, drink glass, random pen, anything - it feels foreign, alien, strange, like I've never held anything like that object ever before in my life. Like discovering a new kind of plant or animal species and touching it for the first time, not knowing if I should be scared or excited. It also feels a lot as if the entire world has been exchanged for a false copy, or video game version.

Mostly I don't pay all that much attention to it, or I would be nothing but overwhelmed, but fact remains I'm very disconnected from literally everything outside of my own mind. It doesn't feel real at all. This is what I've been referring to in my most extreme experiences of "dissociation" meaning I actually must have meant derealisation. Not so very encouraging having just read about other people who've been in this kind of state for 5+ years with no way of "snapping out".

It can quite accurately be described as an extreme form of "zoning out" without being able to snap out of it on command. I've been in there for over 2 months now if not more. I don't know how deep it can go this time as I've been deeper into it before. There's no cure, there's no treatment. What can I do then? I don't know.

I'm getting drunk. My word choice might be different but I'd still try to convey this very message had I been sober. I've almost had 7 drinks of vanilla vodka and light coke now, and I'm somewhere between tipsy and drunk. I don't feel much of anything. Perhaps hints of sadness, desperation, frustration, hopelessness, agitated despair, stressed out; I'm drowning but get just enough oxygen to survive. As well as feeling rather light at heart, confident and proud of my progress so far. I'm a bit of a contradiction, but leaning closer to depressed and dark. I have so much shit to bring up with my therapist on Wednesday I had to write a list. Will also ask her if it could be possible to see her once a week instead of once every fortnight.

I feel hollow, carved out, yet persisting to keep fighting. Even if so just a shell remains of me. I'll keep crawling through this hell. Getting closer to that now, of being just a shell. I know that "depressed" isn't exactly the right kind of term to describe me, as I do keep finding lovable and exciting things to anticipate and I look forward to in the future and I want to make the best of my life in unconventional ways. Bottom surgery, building muscles, practicing karate again, take art lessons, move to Stockholm, have a lot of casual sex with strangers, get my books published, live out loud.

Actually depressed people rarely dream about an actually realistic, manageable, beautiful future that they want to have and keep working towards achieving it. Actually depressed people don't block out their suicidal thoughts because they know that they truly do want to live. I'm somewhere between depressed and euphoric, possessing traits of both, almost simultaneously. It shifts rapidly, and neither state ever goes away entirely. I want to make things work at the same time as I'm struggling to not lose hope. Sometimes I do.

I'm far beyond over-stressed at this point and it makes me make irrational decisions and come to strange conclusions. My entire mind is a delusion, yet the only thing that feels real. I can't think clearly, I don't know what is logic or reason anymore. Chase a rat long and hard enough in its maze and it will start biting its own tail eventually. Passed that point long ago, I'm devouring myself.

Right, fell asleep, so posting this the day after instead. I'm not even hungover, and I woke up at 10:40 am, feeling rather okay. We'll see what this day will entail.