Grieving

Just one picture and my whole world falls apart again. 7 pills, 7 cigarettes and I am no more. Days like these, if ever just mildly triggered, I could end up with an impulsive suicide attempt. I don't fear it, in fact I feel absolutely nothing about it. Nothing can touch me now, only him.

Is it all gone, is there nothing left? Of our friendship, we were close to being best friends and then he just tossed me away. Nothing's ever hurt like this, I scatter all over the place. Play games with words that hold no meaning anymore. All my poems just feel empty, meaningless, hollow.

I can't think clear, and don't you dare blame the pills, it was worse before I took them. Citodone and Zyprexa. I've never tried that combination before. Don't think I'll be able to remember what it was like in retrospect. Aw, but it wasn't that much, but hush and let's pretend that it was.

I want to escape and I have nowhere to go. Only drugs to take me a little step away, but deeper inside myself. Yes, it only brings me deeper inside myself. The only place I don't want to be, the only place I can stand being at. I don't want to die, I just don't want to feel anymore. These last two weeks or so have been a nightmare. I don't even keep track of the days anymore, although I do remember it was a Saturday.

I can't draw like this, but drawing hardly helped after seeing that picture. I want her to die, I just want her to not exist anymore. I don't care how awful that is of me to say that, and maybe I don't always think that, but right now, her dead and buried would be most satisfying to me. But it would hurt him, and I don't want him to hurt anymore. He has hurt enough for a lifetime or more, I only want goodness to come his way. Even if that means her.

Cause I'm not stupid, I realise it might as well be that way, that he's only happy with her, and if his happiness truly is my number one priority, then why do I suddenly wish her dead? She's a good friend of mine, or an acquaintance at least. I like her, she's cool and wise and smart. But I just can't stand that she has the one thing that I'm literally dying for.

Some days... I regret ever falling for him, as if it was my choice. Other days, I'd rather suffer like this forever than to never have felt what unconditional love really feels like. Right now, in this moment, I'd rather he never existed in the first place. Or that I never fell for him, or that I could just fall out of love with him in a heartbeat. My wisdom collides with my stupidity, and my intellect collides with my emotions. It's all just a mess and I can't tell heads from tail.

However, I managed to finish my World of Warcraft fan art drawing of Sylvanas Windrunner just as everything fell apart again. Just had a little bit of background left to do that I whipped up in a couple of minutes. I was proud of it before I fell apart, now I'm just numb and hurting.

The strangest thoughts collide with a weird mix of emotions. I'm half here, half there, lost in the tangle of my own fucked up head. I get lost in translation, the language only emotions can speak, that can't really be translated into any other human language. I guess most other animals are way better at describing their emotions than humans are, in a way. Though, that thought never crossed my mind before.

And I can't hold myself together tonight. I'm bored, distraught with sadness, my grief is unbearable. I'm not even sure what I'm grieving... the loss of something that I never had. I can't focus on drawing at all now. And I'm so very tired as the effect of the drugs is wearing off, replaced by the effect of my sleeping pills. They blend in with each other right now, overlapping.

And I want to tell everyone interested in knowing, who K is, cause I don't care anymore. There's so much that I just forgot to give a damn about. My dark world turned grey and lifeless. Everything is a dull aching, pounding, slamming against my ribs. Bam bam. My heart is my world.

And I'll go to bed soon. Too tired to properly edit all this.