The destroyer and the destroyed

I think my outrage last night was because I just miss K terribly again. Yes, of course I always miss him, but I think it sank to a new level again, which it doesn't always. I meant to post what I wrote last night, but I fell asleep instead. I wrote something like this:

"I know my life sucks but I have to get back on track now. I slept through all of today and knew I didn't want to wake up, or participate in this world. But I don't know much more than that. This terrible sadness, that it doesn't matter what I do, things will end up in misery anyway. That this happiness thing is just temporary and as soon as I tell him the truth everything will come rushing back with new ways of hating myself and my life. Then there won't be any hiding my true feelings anymore. Those that I hide even from myself in all situations than when I'm writing poems, for some reason."

So yeah, I was feeling pretty down. But the day before the one I slept through was rather good in Stockholm. Saw my surgeon and he told me exactly what I didn't even thought I wanted to hear. He said it looks good and that those scars I thought was where my nipples were, actually are my nipples. I thought they looked too good to be scars. And I was right. When the doctor in Hemse told me my nipples were dead and about to fall off I was pretty baffled cause I thought those were just scabs, and I was right all along. It was just scabs. He also told me that if I wanted to do some corrective surgery later I could do that in a year or so. But nah, I think I'm good. I told him I was very pleased with the result and I think that made him a bit happy to hear.

I'm getting extremely annoyed at a fly in my apartment. I dressed up in long sleeves and jeans even though it's too warm just so that that said fly won't tickle me so much. But it's on my hands and in my face now instead. No I can't really whack it, everything is so fragile in my apartment, can't risk breaking things.

I stopped washing my face by the way, cause it made no damn difference on my acne what so ever. Once again I just totally gave up. I'm a lot about giving up today by the way. Mostly on finding things that I've lost somewhere. I am rage and resignation. I miss K terribly and therefore I'm going berserk on everything around me again. My emotions attack me from within, everything is annoying, saddening, blatant or stupid. Tired of everything going wrong, tired of existing, of breathing and caring for myself. That pretty much sums it up at least. (But I still take care of my piercing, cause at least that one thing is important to me somehow).

Things just disappear, I can't remember where I put them and rifling through my mess just makes me so furious. I don't know why. It's like it just crawls under my skin and for every new place I look and there's nothing there it just starts boiling a bit more inside me. Until I have become rage and resignation and there's nothing else left of me. And then I have to put it all behind me, stop looking and searching, stop everything, sit down and just breathe. Write about it, like this, play some music, play world of warcraft or whatever. Have ten cigarettes and something to drink. I don't know, but those seem to be my options. Just forget about it, no matter its importance or insignificance and let it mean nothing to me. Look for it when I don't need it anymore instead. Now that is what I should always do if possible: look for it when I don't need it.

*

If it comes down to it, we should not hate each other for something that we have in common. I don't hate her, in fact I view her as a friend. I just can't help but wonder if things would change when I let her know too. Cause somehow, I think she should be the second person to know who it is that I'm in love with. Because, she is after all his ex, and I already feel bad about hiding it from her, my intentions. It feels like I'm sneaking behind her back, "stealing" him away from her. Which of course isn't exactly true since they've broke up, but still. And it's not exactly true cause I'm not stealing anyone, I simply want him to fall in love with me and I want to give him my heart. I don't want to hurt anyone.

And I do think that if anyone is going to get hurt, it would be me. In this weird triangle drama which isn't exactly a drama (yet) I'm the destroyer and the destroyed. I bring love but I will most likely be brought to hell. Well, that is my life, and I can't say that it would surprise me. My hopes are slowly dying as I'm getting all the more ready to actually, really tell him. But I can't kill my hopes entirely, don't want to end up just telling him in a hurry, expecting the worst and run for my life before he gets a chance to tell me... anything.

This might sound stupid, but somehow I wish I could tell her first, get some advice perhaps, but I don't know about that. I don't think it's such a good idea, without saying too much. She might be reading this and I don't want to get suspicious or anything. I'll just have to deal with this on my own, like I always have. Not that it ever turned out good, but what were my choices now again?

Right, first choice: don't tell him, keep flirting and hoping for him to get it on his own before it's too damn late which it might end up being much too early. Two: tell him. Three...? Oh, right. I don't have a third choice! I just need to handle this very delicate matter as carefully as I possibly can, don't say too much and not too little. Tell him that I like him, but more than just as a friend. That I've liked him for a long time and that I would like it if things progressed. Something like that. Oh gosh, should I say what he once said to me? That if you like someone you should just say so. He told me that. Thought it was my queue or something. It hit me like a brick in the head and all I could do was just sitting there.

Anyways, I could tell him that I got the message or something. (If he remembers saying that, I should add). I don't even remember if he looked at me or anything when he said that, if he implied something or not. It wasn't in a one-on-one conversation, that much I can tell you. My memories of our real life conversations come in fragments, bits of this and that. Even though I was very much there at the time, it's a lot for me to take in. I don't say that I forget it, cause for something reason I seem to remember more than he does... but I do forget and then the memories come back one by one, a bit out of order.

I'm tired now, from all these thoughts and another day just passed me by without me really noticing it, yet it's been a long day and I forgot that I had laundry to do as well. I'm comforting myself with coke and vodka, opting for having a shower and not going to bed too late. Oh yeah, I have things to do outside my apartment tomorrow, should perhaps clean up a bit for that. Just a thought. I rarely go outside the door other than to go to the grocery store, so I like to get cleaned up whenever I do. It's a good thing and I don't like smelling like a pig when I'm around people other than my family. Just saying.

Should post this before it turns into a wall of text. Oh wait, bit late for that. Before it turns into the great wall of China then. Need to sum it up first. I suck at that, tying the knot, you know. So yeah, Stockholm went fine, I'm lovesick as usual, miss K as usual and my life sucks. Ok, bye bye.