Endless flow

I've been writing a bit more lately, or again. Trying to steer up meetings with my characters in Grimston Estate. How to portray them, if they're shy or straight forward, what secrets they hide and what they're open about. General stuff like that, something to build a conversation on. Right now I'm trying to describe a park and how Lydia and Kian first meet each other. It's not as easy as it may seem, since I kinda suck at first impressions myself.

It's so weird, at first I had a hard time writing about Lydia. Like how the hell am I supposed to portray a middle aged woman with a secret background story that is nothing like my own life, it's impossible... and now I can't stop writing about her. Well, she's about 38 so not that old, but still. I do have a few things in common with her, but mostly it's just my imagination running wild as I slowly create her word by word.

I've written 5 more pages today, up at 22 pages in total now. Started at 17. That's like 10 chapters at the moment, but I will try to make them longer and fewer later on. Oh, Lydia. I really like her now, but I have to write more about Kian, who is the actual main character. Ugh, I've gotten quite stuck with him. He's harder to portray somehow, even though he's much more like myself.

I write almost all of it by hand since it goes so much better if I can smoke at the same time, which I can only do outdoors and I can't bring my computer with me out there. So then I write it on my computer afterwards, so basically I write almost everything twice today. Taking much longer than it would otherwise. But oh well, I've got a really nice flow today and tonight. I wanna stay up all night and just write! Probably wouldn't be so practical though, because circadian rhythm and such "important" stuff. And I have to see my shrink tomorrow, or rather in 10 hours from now.

Now I'm gonna go back to writing a hopefully not too awkward sex scene. Wish me luck or something... well, I'll get back to you when I've finished that later. So, there. Now I've written 2 and a half pages of sexiness. It was a bit weird, me not being used to writing like that, about that sort of stuff, but I think it turned out alright. Might need some editing later though, if it seems too much like porn or something. Now I have to get back to writing about Kian again, or at least give it a fucking try. I need for his personality to unfold, like I did with Lydia. I can't have my readers knowing everything about my most important supporting character but nearly nothing about the main character.

I'm up at 24 pages now, by the way. It's a bit like milestones, pages, to me. It's 14.694 words altogether. That is quite a lot to me, though not nearly as much as I've written in stories before. My longest, called "Ödet finns inte" (fate does not exist) got up to 60 pages before I lost it all. Anyway, I really hope this novel will become a complete book one day. I'm still just working with the beginning, lots of meetings and describings of people and places, but not very far into the story at all.

27 pages and counting. This is going really well and I'm back to writing about Kian. How different he is from Lydia, when I come to think about it. I hope so, at least. Don't want all my characters to turn out just the same with different names, genders and looks.

I might be boring, writing a novel not depicting any goths, gays (except for a few non-interacting characters), transgendered or non-caucasian characters. Though Lydia has Russian roots. But I add in misery, mental illness, dystopia, hopelessness, love, hope, broken hearts and traumas instead. Lots of traumas, cause everyone has them, in various degrees of awfulness. And that is also what brings the villagers together in Grimston Estate. It's why they still live there. Because they are broken people, and broken people has traumas.

I write about people that may appear normal and "boring" but with a great depth hiding beneath a bland surface. Maybe that is why I make their faces bland, cisgendered and heterosexual just because I want to put focus on their fucked up personalities instead. That it would become too much if they were cool as well. And also, it is important that the main character falls for a woman. So he had to be straight or bisexual, and since that's the only relevant relationship he will have through the story, it feels unnecessary to make him bisexual.

I made 28 pages in the first document for the book, and then it became like a perfect break for a second document. I'm splitting it up to not make too large files, it tends to get fucked up when I do that for some reason. I've lost many and much work that way, I just don't want to risk that happening again.

This flow is still running like syrup through my fingers and I notice how easy it was for me to write tonight, and still is. Usually I have to look up every other word and it goes slow to just produce one page of text. But not now. Now I'm writing it as fast as I would read it (which is about as fast as talking, maybe a notch slower) and I only have to look up very few words here and there. Writing in English has become so easy that it's silly nowadays. I don't know, maybe you've noticed.

I was up the entire night writing and drinking coffee, but no more coffee now cause my stomach does not approve, but I'll keep writing until I'm going to see my shrink at 15:00 o'clock later today. I'll be heading off around 14:00 so I "only" have 5 and a half hour left to turn into words and inspiration. I don't even need to listen to inspiring music, but I do collect memories of past experiences in my life that can help me writing about similar things that my characters are feeling, have gone through or are doing.

It's starting to become a bit exhausting, I've been writing almost constantly since sometime around nine, I think, yesterday evening. So around 12 hours then. It takes a lot more energy than what you might think, figuring out how to write what and how to connect different events in the story to each other. Also I've been writing a lot on pure improvisation which has been especially hard because I did not have any cliff notes or anything for those parts of the story. But imagination saved the day, or what to say.

Damn I've been writing a lot about this now. Guess I really do have a never ending flow right now. Just wishing it would be like this forever, every day of my life. Then I would actually be alive to see the ending of this book... But in the pace that I've had since I started forming the very first idea of it, I've written 30 pages in two years which means that I'll have written 60 pages in two more years, 90 in four, 120 in six, 150 in eight, 180 pages in ten years... oh my god, I literally won't be alive to see the result of this novel if I keep writing it this damn slow.

I know I shouldn't worry too much about that, but I just want to have a book all finished and entirely written by me before I die. Whether it being this novel, my autobiography or something else, doesn't matter. It's just that it's a life goal of mine and I still believe that I will die before I turn 30. So, I'll just better hurry the fuck up and write instead of whining about it in this blog.