Oh my god... I only have eleven chapters left to write. That's not much at all, considering I've already written 52 of them. This next one that I'm gonna start writing close to asap is gonna be the last really happy chapter which saddens me a lot. Close to crying again... Damn, I've been crying so much lately, it's insane. And it's equally insane that I've written over 100 thousand words in a less than three weeks.
I never thought it was gonna become such a big book. Thought those 160 pages wasn't so much, but then... yeah. Word count is a bitch when I have it divided into six documents. It will be around 7 or 8 documents with around 18 to 20 thousand words each altogether when I'm done with the first draft, I think. So I haven't been keeping track of exactly how many words I've written. I'll keep an eye on that from here on though.
Do I ever talk about anything else than my writing? And not that I ever reveal anything that I write. Just talk about how far I've come and how I feel about it. I have to admit, I am kinda proud of my work so far and I'll probably (most likely) be incredibly happy about it when I'm done. When, not if. Just that makes me smile. It's like finally I'm pursuing my passion and it feels great. I can't even understand why I haven't done that before.
But I do know. I've been at the very bottom for so long, falling through trap doors to reach new bottoms for years and years. I just haven't been stable enough to write anything bigger than poems. Not that writing poems is bad or anything, just that they're not very productive in the same meaning as writing a book is. And also, I was just not good enough in English to write it, and too bored with the for me very limited Swedish that I could have written it in instead.
Haha, just thought of how nice it would feel to brag to the English teacher at school when I start next spring term, to say that I'm writing/have written an entire book in English. Just how amazed they should be. I wonder if I'll have the same teacher as before. My English was better than hers, and it definitely is now. I'm entirely self taught these last two or more years, by the way.
But anyway, my writing is getting better and more intense every day. I don't quite keep up with myself, as I now only have to look up maybe one or two words a chapter and the text just flows out of me in the pace of my tears. I feel sorry for my characters that I keep on hurting, but I won't reveal the ending. Maybe I destroy them too much, maybe I patch things up for them, maybe they find their peace of mind again, maybe they don't.
I realised, yesterday, that I will have to warn my readers before letting anyone read it. It's very graphic and triggering and you should definitely take caution if you're sensitive. Not saying you shouldn't read it if you are (hey, I'm sensitive) but yeah, I'd have to warn you. It's definitely not for kids and if it ever comes out to be published, it would be in an adult section by it's own, almost. There's a lot of abuse and such stuff in it, that much I can say. That much I have to say.
But I hope you'd still like it, despite of or because of that, I don't know. I wanted to make everything realistic and I've included a lot of stuff that I've been through myself, but perhaps in another vintage. I want it to be able to go under your skin. To me, I'm practically over most of the horrible things I've been through, so it's been okay for me to write about stuff like that. But it's another thing reading about it. I know that. And I've been adding in more cruelty than I first planned to. Whether that's good or bad I don't know. It's gonna be intense, it already is.
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