How sober am I, really? Today I've drunk two bottles of Smirnoff Ice, one can of Rekorderlig forest berries cider (which was very yummy), half a bottle of wine and one glass of vodka mixed with energy drink. I'm having a second glass of the latter and finally I'm getting drunk. I yearn for drunkenness, yearn for the freedom of losing my senses. I might be better than for a long time since the surgery, but I'm still wasting my life by trying to kill the pain inside me with booze as a socially accepted form of self harm. I just needed to empty my bar cabinet today, and I need to buy more alcoholic based drinks on Monday. Oh, I will so need it then.
I'm trying to be realistic, and already planning what I'm gonna do if he rejects me. When he rejects me. I don't even know if I'm gonna be alive on Tuesday when I am to see my shrink. Cause when it all comes down to it, if things go to hell, I can't see any kind of future. It's just a black, empty void. Without him, I'm nothing, I've got no one. I'm in contact a whole lot more with him than I am with my best friend. I depend on him, my life just wouldn't exist without him. This might and probably does, come out very harsh, but it's like he's the only friend I have right now.
He's the only one one who is always there for me, and I'm always there for him. I just can't understand that if he is going to reject me, why would he have talked so much with me these past few months? Why would he treat me the way he does, if there's no spark in it? That if I get a strong no, why would he be so close to me if it was all just friendship and nothing more? It makes no sense to me. That if it all goes to hell, what am I supposed to think?
My head is full of questions and empty of answers. Answers only he can give me. I wonder how it happened exactly, how he came to become my whole world. That nothing and no one else means as much to me as he does. Of course I care about other people, well, at least my family and two best friends. With K counted in I only consider myself having three friends. The rest are lame acquaintances or once were friends that I don't see or hear from often enough to even count as actual friends. Losing K would be having my soul ripped to pieces. Like shards of a broken mirror. And you can't repair glass. Once it's been broken, it will always stay that way.
I can't get it out of my head. Telling him. Expecting an answer of any kind. Hopefully through actions rather than words. If he would shy away from me, hold my hand or just look at me, that would be the best response considering the circumstances. Because words just aren't enough. I hope it won't come as an awkward surprise to him, but somehow I doubt that it will. That I think he might suspect it, he might even hope for it, if I should look at the bright side.
Guess I should, huh? Look at the bright side. Not just preparing for an impulsive suicide or becoming catatonic. Can you even become catatonic from a broken heart? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. This burden that transforms me, consumes me and tears me apart. My soul is inside out, my heart is bleeding, my body quivering. The booze and sleeping pills make this easier to cope with, but it's still ripping me to pieces.
The hardest thing on earth, to tell him the truth. Not just straight up "I'm in love with you" but something a bit more subtle (read "vague"). I've thought about it so many times, yet I don't know exactly what to say. I need to improvise a bit or it won't come out natural. A sentence, maybe two can be rehearsed, but that's about it. The rest I can put in my memory bank and see which phrase will be most suitable. I might not be able to use any of the ones I've thought about, I might have to think of something new. Well, just hoping it will happen tomorrow then. Don't think I can wait that much longer.
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