I'm not well enough to support myself even. I hide my darkness around booze, talking to K, writing, playing WoW, drawing or anything that works as a distraction and more. I'm not dealing, I'm just hiding it from myself and the rest of the world. I still have nightmares, I still think a lot about dying, suicide and I still think this world is hell. Just that I finally found a little space where I can breathe. That's all. At least it feels like that now and since a few weeks back. Like I'm so insignificant, my friends don't care about me, I don't care about the world. It's like my lack of interest in politics keeps me from my friends. Because there's just nothing else to talk about and I just refuse to talk about that. Other things keeps me shut out from their reality as well. Like work, school, love. I don't have much in common with anyone, really.
But I don't even try to reach out, I just know that you don't really care about me. I'm always the third wheel, you know. Never get any space and I'm too damn shy to speak up. I don't know what to say in conversations so I just keep quiet. I don't know how to be social so I'm just not even gonna try anymore. I've been trying so hard for over a decade now and I just know when enough is enough. When there's no use in trying anymore, cause things aren't gonna improve. I don't want new friends, I don't want most of my old friends either, but I feel so terribly lonely and unappreciated. Like I don't even exist. Who would miss me on Facebook if I just left, except for 3 maybe 5 people? I could erase my whole friendship list and nobody would care.
It tears me apart, but it's like it doesn't matter if I talk about it or not. It's not doing me a damn thing what so ever. Talking has never helped me. And that's why I don't see any point in getting some actual friends where I live. What should I say to them? Hi I'm a mess, shy and terribly introvert and probably won't say more than ten words in a two hour long conversation and I probably won't give a damn about what you have to say either?
Words. They get lost inside my head and I can only write them, not say them. It's like I forget how to pronounce them somehow. Like I care too much about how it's gonna sound, I don't wanna make an impact, don't wanna scare or sound like a total freak. There's nothing left to say, I become mute. I might as well be mute in most social situations. People would probably not even notice it if I suddenly did. Mostly, the few things that I do say are obvious replies to the other person. Like "oh that's understandable" to something that is obviously understandable, or "oh, that's not good" to something that is obviously bad. I mostly just do that because I have nothing else to say and I want to make sure that I listen. But I don't. Not really. I drift away in my mind, bored with conversations that are about normal stuff. Something someone's seen, done or whatever that isn't remarkable in some way.
Not only do I demand a lot from friendships, I can't live up to those demands myself. But maybe that is the kind of friendship I could have? Something that is on a deeper level with deep conversations that reaches in under your skin. I talk easily about all the darkness inside me, I don't wanna focus on the boring, normal stuff or I get bored kinda quickly. But the problem with those interesting, deep conversations that I've had with people is that they grow way too fond of me and start acting like suddenly we're best friends. I'm like, no we were just talking, you're not that special to me, but you do seem to have an interesting life that I would have been keen on getting into a bit more if you did not suddenly develop a crush on me.
I realise what the problem is with that, I'm not stupid. Those who have opened up to me like that have usually not had that with someone else for a long time, and as they let me in under their skin, of course they feel a stronger connection to me. But I'm not like that. I can't stand the shallow small talk for an entire friendship, I need the depth or I'm just gonna ignore you. However much I like you. Because then we're just not compatible and that's the way it is. I'm tired of sitting in a corner and pretend to listen to someone's prank or opinions on a movie they saw. If you can't stand my darkness, it's likely that I can't stand you.
So, again. Who is abandoning who in my life? I don't know, but I think it actually goes both ways. As I get tired of your boring lives and stay silent in a corner, you forget about me who is not participating in the conversation no matter what you do. And there I managed to sum up basically every relationship I've ever had in one sentence. Except from those that last, forever. We both make sure we're not bored with each other's company, we're both interesting people with a lot to share. I feel safe with you and I'm not scared of what you think of me, and I'm not scared of offending you. And the other way around, of course. But most people aren't like that and I realise that I won't settle for anything less. Until I do, I will stand here without friends on this island.
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