Becoming cisgendered

I can only think of two downsides with taking testosterone which are: the acne and my inability to cry. I've always had both a lot of acne and a hard time crying, but both have become worse since I started with the hormones. Though those are the ONLY downsides, so the positive weigh up like hella lot. With all the physical changes such as I really love how deep my voice has gotten, body hair, fat redistribution, facial hair, muscle gain and so on. And the mental changes like how my thoughts are more direct, that I feel more "even" in my mood, how I can separate thoughts and feelings in a whole different way, how not that much affects me emotionally anymore.

I know I've said, a long time ago, that I'd always consider myself as a guy until I'm done with this second puberty and everything before I'm gonna start considering myself as a man instead. Like I can't be a "teenager" and a man at the same time, even though my age is kinda right for that term. I don't know, maybe it's silly. But I'm 25, I think I'm starting to grow out the youngster phase and become an actual adult. I often refer to people from around and over 20 years old as men and women rather than guys and girls. But it's still strange to me to consider myself a man, you know. Like I'm still too young for it but still I'm not. Hard to explain, I guess.

I'm slowly starting to put this transsexual deal behind me, that I'm sort of somehow becoming cisgendered, if that makes any sense. Like before I was a guy in a girl's body, but now that same body isn't that much of a girl's anymore. So I'm becoming a guy in a guy's body which would be the exact definition of being cisgendered. The feeling of satisfaction is indescribable. That I'm finally starting to feel at home in my own body even though I have possible future surgeries left to do and I'm still legally female.

I'm still pondering over and want to have SRS (sexual reassignment surgery, the "sex change operation" as people so mistakenly call it), but my doubts are still the same. Do I need it? Do I want to risk losing sensation? Will it change my life to the better? The question of "need" is the biggest somehow, because I don't just know what to answer but also how to answer it. Like what does "need" mean? Like maybe if it's actually a necessary procedure to go through with, or like if maybe I ask myself if I somehow need it more than I need what I have now. And also it overlaps with the question of how it could make my life any better, to have that kind of surgery.

Perhaps it's an idea of becoming complete. To not be "stuck" in an in between state of being male or female. Like it's the last part of me that is still (somewhat) female and I don't like that. It does give me dysphoria, come to think of it. Not so much when I'm alone or with people that I trust, but in naked situations of any kind and that's a part of life too. I'm leaning more and more to actually go through with it, actually. Because a part of me thinks that I do need it, that it will in fact make my life better, if it can reduce if not completely take away dysphoria and make me feel more complete.

I have to think about it some more of course, and maybe then I can reach a decision for when I've gotten the legal sex change done and the time has come to act on it. Of course I don't have to do it right away, but it seems to me like the simplest if I have decided already at that time. In about six months or so, give or take, I would presume. They're slow at the department that decides if I'm allowed to change my legal sex or not, and I need their approval before I can get SRS. I don't worry about it though. All of me, my mother and the people in charge of my journey from physically female to male agree on that there should be no doubts. I'm kinda confident about that. But yeah, it takes time...

And then there are waiting lists for surgery at Karolinska hospital which would be where I would turn. If I can make up my bloody mind, that is. And I'm probably gonna get sterilised first, and then there are some things that I would like to discuss with a surgeon before I reach my final decision. I won't go into any nasty details here or with anyone else than close friends and a surgeon. Just so you know, it's a bit too private, even for me. Exactly what I look like down there and how I would want it to look, which method I wanna do and why, are simply just none of your business. Because I say so.

I didn't intend for this to become an entry about transsexualism, but apparently it turned out that way. It started with that I'm planning on letting my half retarded sideburns grow out again, and that I think my facial hair in that area (and others) have increased due to taking testosterone. It glads me that it seems like I one day will be able to grow a full beard, which isn't gonna happen for every transman out there. It's quite common to get what has been referred to as a "chin beard" where it only grows under your chin and down your neck. I kinda have that right now, but it's slowly growing more upwards and to the cheeks. It will just take some time...

That is one of the things I mostly hope for when it comes to more physical changes. Otherwise I'm hoping for more fat redistribution and maybe some more body hair, which is also working on expanding as we speak. But anyways, time will tell but I'm impatient. Gotta post this now, before I write more nonsense.