False calm, false happiness

I've become better at ignoring my pain. Everything that rips and tears up wounds inside me. I just cross it over, bury it, pretend it's not there, distract distract distract. I do it best through writing, but other means sometimes work as well. When it's hard to swallow, when it's difficult to breathe and my eyes water without running over. When I can only gasp and hope for everything to disappear. Those days occur more often again. I'm losing my grip on false happiness. Not losing hope yet, but it's slipping and some days the hopelessness is overwhelming. I bite down hard and close my eyes as I hollow out my own mind. Rocking, cradling myself to a false calm, anything to hold on to. Anything, anything, anything.