Nothing

Nothing ever works out the way you plan them to, I should have learned that by now. Almost to the point that I think I should just not plan at all if I want things to actually happen. That thought has struck me a thousand times, and a thousand times this weekend. I'm so fucking tired now it's like I just wanna sleep or disappear or both. It's been so painful and stressful and it was all for nothing. I just don't care anymore, I might never tell him. Just fuck it, I'm done.

Went to my parents' place again today. Just thought I needed to get away for a little while. Even dreading seeing my shrink on Tuesday. I don't want to tell her what a coward I am to not being able to do what I told her I was going to do. What I almost promised her. Instead I stay in this mess of hiding and keeping this painful secret to myself. For another year perhaps. The months have passed one by one and what does it matter if I just let them keep passing?

It will suffocate me. Slowly and silently until there just isn't any air left to breathe. As I will see him move on with his life and I remain in his shadow. Just another one of his pals. Blending in with the crowd, unnoticeable, until he finds another person that he falls in love with and my world will fall apart. That is what will happen if I never tell him. But right now I just don't care.

Does this bother you? That I aimed so hard at telling him and talked about it so much as if I was actually going to go through with it but then I didn't? I didn't choose to not tell him, you know. I was all ready, set, go but my plain failed. I can't give you any details, it just didn't go as planned, okay?

I'm kicking myself a lot because of this today, even though it wasn't my fault. Wasn't anyone's fault. Nothing happened and that's what's bothering me. All that work and then just nothing. No telling, no answer, no anything. It leaves me with a heavy emptiness, like staring into a void.