Devouring me

I was trying to draw but got pissed at the pens and their damn lids that won't open no matter what I do. So I stopped drawing because drawing when I'm pissed is never a good idea. Failure is unavoidable then. Instead I'm writing this and listening to William Control whom I just discovered. He looks kinda gothabilly but the music is more like darkwave.

My piercing is annoying, always getting kinda dirty so it hurts to move it, so I keep washing that off but it always comes back again. It also hurts and itches.

How hard can it be, to pick up the phone? I need to make a call but it's like the next hardest thing on earth right now. Why does it have to be so difficult? Okay, I did it. Wasn't that hard, now was it? Well, I'm still shaking and sweating... so yeah, it was a bit hard. Me and my phone phobia, how do I even get rid of it? The phobia, not the phone. I'm okay with answering calls, reading and answering text messages, but not calling people. I get so horrible side effects, or what to call it, it's like anxiety, it is anxiety. Increased heart rate, sweating, shaking, stomach ache, heavy breathing, all of that and more.

I have to think about something else, this is consuming me, devouring me. I'm shivering and my heart just won't slow down. Have I taken on a task too big to go through with? Probably, or maybe I'm just blowing it out of proportion. How can I? Why can't I just step outside of myself for a little bit, to get some perspective? I can't cheer myself up right now. Listening to not so sad music and playing WoW didn't help. I'm not up for trying to deal with my Promarkers now either. Those damn pens. Just don't want to do anything that is upsetting, that's all. But what is left to do? Not so strange that I feel tired today... ugh.

I want to be open about my otherkin-ness on tumblr but I don't know how. Like it's an okay site to be open about that on, but it's also a good site to get harassed because of it. I don't wanna pride it or push it in people's faces, I just want to not hide it. Somewhere else than here. But it's not easy for me, cause I kinda hide it everywhere.

I know now that K will be the last person I'll ever be in love with. It can only turn out two ways, one: it all goes to hell and I will never love anyone else again, two: it does work out and I will never love anyone else again. If it does work out it can only turn out in two more ways, three: we break up and I will never love anyone else again, or four: we'll be together until death do us part and I'll never love anyone else again. Cause either I'll be his forever or my heart will be broken, and I just know that I won't be able to handle having my heart broken for the 10th time.

But I seem to have calmed down now. A little after effects but it's not too bad anymore. My stomach is still twisting every so often and my heart still starts beating a little faster sometimes but that's basically all there is now. I'm listening to Ice Ages which isn't quite cheerful but it's not about broken hearts at least. Those kind of songs tend to make me feel sad and more lovesick than I already am.

I'm hoping I won't stay up too late tonight, want to get up in the morning instead of the afternoon. I'm so tired these days because of all the socialising, booze and my stupid feelings. So I sleep quite a lot and always feel drained. But it's worth it, damn it's so worth it.