I kinda can't deal with anything today. So many memories of this and that popping up from all of my previous relationships and sexual encounters. Everything that I'm embarrassed over. Literally everything. It's just drowning me. I'm trying to focus on my work. Got a little better last night after my outbreak about wanting to delete everything I've written. I don't want that anymore and I didn't do it either. But I'm out of focus. I finished another chapter and I'm now about to start chapter 40.
Considering it's gonna be around 65 chapters, I've written more than half the story now. And things are finally getting really interesting to write as the characters' pasts start to unfold and things get really messy. I'll completely wreck havoc now that the readers should have a good idea of who the characters are and what makes them tick. So I'm done with introductions and small talk, sorta, and dive right into the big stuff.
It occurs to me that when I decided what the storyline should be, with all the details and stuff, I didn't consider exactly how I was gonna write it. Cause it's one thing with cliff notes, a total different one to actually know what to write. How it's all gonna be when it's finished, you know. I'm thinking about the ending, and I'm thinking about where I'm now, or will be very soon in the story. Things I don't know how to portray, explain or depict.
I realise there are a lot of secrets in this novel and those secrets tie everything together as they will all be revealed at the end. Is that a good plot? I will drive my readers crazy, dying to know what Kian and Lydia are hiding from each other in their perfect little relationship. At least I hope so.
It's not rubbish, it's not rubbish, it's not rubbish, I try to tell myself. If it was someone else writing it, I would buy the damn book. I would buy it and I'm sure others would have too. I don't suck, I'm doing really great now and I will prove it. I'm gonna proudly present my work when it's done and not if it's done, cause it is gonna get done. I won't give up, I have to keep at and keep at and keep at it until I'm done.
I have to keep being my characters, write it as if I was them in every moment, the way they are, act, think and feel. I believe that's the only right thing to do, to consume myself completely and drown it it, to be able to portray everything as good as I can possibly can make it. It's not rubbish, it's become a part of myself now.
Shit, now I feel bad for Marie as well. The third most important, supporting, character. She's just a child and I've been so cruel to her as well. The truth is that I'm cruel to every character except for a few, very small role characters. Kian's doctor will keep her pride through the whole book, but she will only be around for like two or three conversations. No one will remember her.
I counted to that I now have 13 named characters in the novel and probably just as many that are not named, just figurants or what to say. Nameless and faceless ones that are only there to fill a crowd. Gotta have those kind of characters too. No, there will be at least 15, now that I come to think of it. There are way more male than female characters, but somehow it feels more even than it is. Maybe I'll change that later on, I dunno. I'm kinda feminist or maybe I just wanna make people believe that I truly am. I dunno, but I have a lot of work ahead of me still. More characters will be introduced even though they are small ones.
No comments:
Post a Comment