Just a quick entry with a couple of today's thoughts. First two paragraphs I wrote around 10am this morning, the rest within the last hour or so. This entry is the total opposite to my previous one. It's been a good day. Wow, it's been a long time since I last said that. A good day? Was a while ago.
I just woke up and remember my dreams! One of them was really nice and woke me up with a smile. It was super gay and sweet. Lots of women flirted with me, and I was kissing, making out and just playfully goofing around with them. That was probably the nicest dream I've had in a very, very... very long time. Cause it was just so sweet, light-hearted and fluffy feel-good. No one treated me bad in that dream, and I didn't feel bad in any way, it was just flirty, cuddly and giggly. Soft, fun, sweet and sexy. And I was seen/treated as a woman, entirely, and also I had nice boobs that made me feel good about being topless and touched.
Because I haven't been able to remember my dreams since detransing until now, I don't know if boobs have been on me in any previous dreams or not. But if not, then this was the first dream of mine ever to show my body as looking different from what it actually looks like in reality. And that makes me smile really wide, cause that's very dysphoria alleviating! I felt so good and nice about my body in that dream. Like I had no discomfort about what I looked like and just thrived in all that cosy lesbian cuddling. The dream was only mildly sexual, like soft porn, I guess. Like there were no pussies involved in the dream, but all that deep french kissing and intense boob squeezing and topless flirting was really not straight. And everyone was horny for me and each other in that dream. Like it was just one huge lesbian orgy. I think it might have been a party, but I'm not sure, it was sometimes outdoors in like a sparse forest area and sometimes a city, and sometimes it was in indoors areas like someone's home. Maybe the frequent changing of settings represent that I have/will always love women regardless of where I am? I like that thought though.
Oh fuck, I'm on qruiser and this super hot woman messaged me... several hours ago and now we're in deep conversation. She lives far away though (in fucking south Sweden) but she invited me to go to a concert in Denmark with her and then go to her place and party and well yes also fuck... and I'm kinda seriously considering it. I mean, she's not just hot, she's pretty much the exact kind of girl I want to meet, near perfect damn it. So it's kinda hard to just say no cause of distance.
She looks kinda punk-rock butch and very hardcore but has like some sweetness to her as well and that's just super enticing for me. Also a great looking body as far as I can see from her photos. Kinda curvy thin and a bit muscular. If I had a type for women she would be it. She's around my age. Personality-wise I really dig her too. Like kinda brutal and very straight forward, but she's kind too and brags about being very good at giving amazing orgasms... Like is she for real even?! And yeah, she's definitely into women, told me she's been in serious relationships with women and isn't even into men. She thinks I'm really sexy too. Also, she's trans mtf. But that has no bearing on how I'm attracted to her and wanting to fuck her. I'm just kinda... ah, unf?
I think I've gotten a pretty good connection with her already too. Like at least I notice some kind of spark of sexiness going on between us. But granted, meeting in real life may be different. But in my experience, usually for the better. We'll see though, where that may or may not lead. But I think I'd at least really like just hanging out with her even if sex somehow turns out disappointing for one or both of us. But fuck I can't say I'm not excited about the possibilities! Oh, my! But I'll need to sleep now. After I've taken my vagifem and masturbated to some random fantasies about her. Considering how constantly horny I've been these past several hours, I think cumming will be way too easy. I'm gonna try to draw it out with some serious edging, I think.
Not to brag but I'm just literally too good at making myself cum, especially these days. If I'm not holding back and edging at least some 5-10 times, it's over in like 10 seconds and I'm too post-orgasm-hyper-sensitive to be able to continue. What a first world "problem" huh? But yeah, bed now. I'll catch ya' later.
I'll call this entry "A gay day" cause the word gay also means happy, so you've got a double-meaning there.
Showing posts with label hookups. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hookups. Show all posts
Wednesday, 26 September 2018
Tuesday, 14 August 2018
Filling my insatiable void
That feeling when you just know you're a sex addict, when you just think "what the fuck am I doing?" you know? Well, I hope you don't know. Yeah, I just fucked... my stalker.
Although the good news is: he's probably not a creep. I got very clear asperger/autism vibes from him when I saw him in person. He's really just that socially awkward and really doesn't actually understand personal space and limits. His explanation to having acted stalker-ish? That he was just horny. He's like that... I dunno, imagine an awkward teen nerd who lives in his mother's basement, then moves out and starts driving tractors for a living, and then finds a hookup site... yeah. Totally harmless, but just very very awkward. It was weird to have such a guy for a bed-mate. Just gotta say that. It was an experience.
He was very sweet, in person. Adorkable, kinda. Really not a hottie, and talked way too much, but yeah he totally fucked me good, and I even came. I came really hard, like I spasmed uncontrollably for probably half a minute while he fucked me and it felt extremely good. He was very patient with me and caring. He stayed for 3 hours, and didn't complain about me taking cigarette breaks. I got my orgasm about half an hour before he left at 1 am. He came twice, inside me, an hour or so apart. I'll likely get some pregnancy tests in a while just to be sure, but right now I don't worry about it. It's unlikely I'd get knocked up.
But just whyyyy did I do this?! When I wrote him the text the evening before this current night, stating "Fuck you're nagging. Come to my place then and you can get some pussy" I couldn't figure out why I went along with it. If it was just to get him to stop nagging with all his million text messages, or cause I thought here's a guy who very desperately wants me and he's very available, so why not just take the opportunity. Yes, he texted me again. And again. And againagainagainagaaaaaain! I dunno how much, but around 20 or so texts per day since a couple of days ago. I ignored him until I caved in. Now how the fuck am I supposed to get rid of him?! This probably made it a million times worse, cause now he thinks I want to continue seeing him.
I didn't know I was this much of a mess... that I'd actually fuck a guy who's stalking me and driving me fucking crazy with a million messages. Like what kind of level is this to stoop down to?! Fucking hell, what's wrong with me?! I should probably lay off of qruiser for a while, but I know I'm not going to. My list of everyone I've had sex with (yes I write them all down in a document) is starting to look ridiculous. This has been a crazy year. The last 3 of them I don't know the names of, so I had to write either their online profile names or just a short description of them. I've fucked 5 different guys this year alone. In total we're now up at 19 guys, and of course keep counting. Makes me think of a song by Cher in which she sings "your list of lovers is looking like a resume"... I'm starting to wonder if my neighbours think I'm a prostitute, considering they must have noticed I get random, often quite trashy-looking, middle aged male strangers coming for short visits every now and then, and often at night. Well it must seem suspicious if they've noticed it.
But let's get back on topic. This fucking sex addiction... making me do stuff that no one in their bloody right mind would do... and then my conscience hits me. That this is not right and where might it eventually lead to? I could fuck literally anyone. There's danger in that, that I don't want to think about. And then suddenly it hits me... that is literally why I could fuck anyone... because I'm a sex addict: it makes me not care about who it is or what they look like or what they are like or anything, because all I care about is that pleasure. And filling both my figurative and literal void.
In a comic magazine that I subscribe to, the actually physical paper kind of comic magazine, I found one strip that spoke to me so clearly on this very topic. It was a conversation between two women who are friends, where one says to the other that she keeps meeting some sketchy guy and can't figure out why she keeps meeting him. And then she says "I guess he fills a void" and her friend giggles cause of the underlying meaning that the guy fills the void in her pussy. And she says, embarrassed by her friend's giggling "No, but I meant..." I should get some magnets so that I can put it up on my fridge. I've cut it out from the magazine already and it's been lying on my microwave for a few weeks now. I love it and it's perfect.
I feel sad now. Yes, it clearly seems my insatiable pussy is gonna be the end of me, one day. If I continue like this. Good I'm dealing with the trauma stuff in therapy now, and I'm sure I'll bring up my sex addiction at some point. Just trying to find a good point to sneak it into the conversation, somewhere it fits. We continued with my timeline yesterday, and got up until the point of around age 15 in my life. Before we got into that though, I did actually tell her about this stalker guy, and fucking hell... I told her I'd keep pushing him away and stand my ground... and then not even 10 hours later I have him in my bed, fucking each other like crazy. My life is the butt of a joke. I honestly don't know if I should laugh or cry about this. My emotions are so confused. My thoughts are too. I don't know why I did it. This could have gone very wrong, and it still can. He might get obsessed with me, for real, now after this. And by the way, I didn't give him my adress, he already had that information as well, cause I asked him if he needed my adress or already had it.
I've no idea where he could be taking this moment of affection now, if he'll become a stalker for real. It scares me now. He might really just be too dumb to know he's crossing the line and I might just be too dumb to get a grip on myself to tell him that clearly, without hesitating and wavering shyly. But it's just that. I think both my stupidity and his stupidity could do some real harm between us. Well that's exactly why I don't ever again want to actually date other people who have the same kind of mental disabilities as I do. It's a huge misunderstanding and clash waiting to happen, cause it creates a huge breach in communication. Sure, this is not a relationship as such, but he might start thinking it is, and that's what I worry about.
Well I got myself into this mess, didn't I?
And I was the one to fuck this mess, wasn't I?
Oh dear lord, what the fuck am I doing...
Yeah I'm not being self-destructive at all, am I? The thing about that though is that I simply don't know when I'm self-harming or not. It has become part of the essence of me, an integral part of my persona, and it is in fact inseparable from the rest of me. So I can't tell it apart from the rest.
This low feels so damn far down that I'm not even trying to climb up from it. I'm just sitting here, staring upwards, shaking my head in disbelief and thinking "now how the fuck am I supposed to get back up from here?!"
Although the good news is: he's probably not a creep. I got very clear asperger/autism vibes from him when I saw him in person. He's really just that socially awkward and really doesn't actually understand personal space and limits. His explanation to having acted stalker-ish? That he was just horny. He's like that... I dunno, imagine an awkward teen nerd who lives in his mother's basement, then moves out and starts driving tractors for a living, and then finds a hookup site... yeah. Totally harmless, but just very very awkward. It was weird to have such a guy for a bed-mate. Just gotta say that. It was an experience.
He was very sweet, in person. Adorkable, kinda. Really not a hottie, and talked way too much, but yeah he totally fucked me good, and I even came. I came really hard, like I spasmed uncontrollably for probably half a minute while he fucked me and it felt extremely good. He was very patient with me and caring. He stayed for 3 hours, and didn't complain about me taking cigarette breaks. I got my orgasm about half an hour before he left at 1 am. He came twice, inside me, an hour or so apart. I'll likely get some pregnancy tests in a while just to be sure, but right now I don't worry about it. It's unlikely I'd get knocked up.
But just whyyyy did I do this?! When I wrote him the text the evening before this current night, stating "Fuck you're nagging. Come to my place then and you can get some pussy" I couldn't figure out why I went along with it. If it was just to get him to stop nagging with all his million text messages, or cause I thought here's a guy who very desperately wants me and he's very available, so why not just take the opportunity. Yes, he texted me again. And again. And againagainagainagaaaaaain! I dunno how much, but around 20 or so texts per day since a couple of days ago. I ignored him until I caved in. Now how the fuck am I supposed to get rid of him?! This probably made it a million times worse, cause now he thinks I want to continue seeing him.
I didn't know I was this much of a mess... that I'd actually fuck a guy who's stalking me and driving me fucking crazy with a million messages. Like what kind of level is this to stoop down to?! Fucking hell, what's wrong with me?! I should probably lay off of qruiser for a while, but I know I'm not going to. My list of everyone I've had sex with (yes I write them all down in a document) is starting to look ridiculous. This has been a crazy year. The last 3 of them I don't know the names of, so I had to write either their online profile names or just a short description of them. I've fucked 5 different guys this year alone. In total we're now up at 19 guys, and of course keep counting. Makes me think of a song by Cher in which she sings "your list of lovers is looking like a resume"... I'm starting to wonder if my neighbours think I'm a prostitute, considering they must have noticed I get random, often quite trashy-looking, middle aged male strangers coming for short visits every now and then, and often at night. Well it must seem suspicious if they've noticed it.
But let's get back on topic. This fucking sex addiction... making me do stuff that no one in their bloody right mind would do... and then my conscience hits me. That this is not right and where might it eventually lead to? I could fuck literally anyone. There's danger in that, that I don't want to think about. And then suddenly it hits me... that is literally why I could fuck anyone... because I'm a sex addict: it makes me not care about who it is or what they look like or what they are like or anything, because all I care about is that pleasure. And filling both my figurative and literal void.
In a comic magazine that I subscribe to, the actually physical paper kind of comic magazine, I found one strip that spoke to me so clearly on this very topic. It was a conversation between two women who are friends, where one says to the other that she keeps meeting some sketchy guy and can't figure out why she keeps meeting him. And then she says "I guess he fills a void" and her friend giggles cause of the underlying meaning that the guy fills the void in her pussy. And she says, embarrassed by her friend's giggling "No, but I meant..." I should get some magnets so that I can put it up on my fridge. I've cut it out from the magazine already and it's been lying on my microwave for a few weeks now. I love it and it's perfect.
I feel sad now. Yes, it clearly seems my insatiable pussy is gonna be the end of me, one day. If I continue like this. Good I'm dealing with the trauma stuff in therapy now, and I'm sure I'll bring up my sex addiction at some point. Just trying to find a good point to sneak it into the conversation, somewhere it fits. We continued with my timeline yesterday, and got up until the point of around age 15 in my life. Before we got into that though, I did actually tell her about this stalker guy, and fucking hell... I told her I'd keep pushing him away and stand my ground... and then not even 10 hours later I have him in my bed, fucking each other like crazy. My life is the butt of a joke. I honestly don't know if I should laugh or cry about this. My emotions are so confused. My thoughts are too. I don't know why I did it. This could have gone very wrong, and it still can. He might get obsessed with me, for real, now after this. And by the way, I didn't give him my adress, he already had that information as well, cause I asked him if he needed my adress or already had it.
I've no idea where he could be taking this moment of affection now, if he'll become a stalker for real. It scares me now. He might really just be too dumb to know he's crossing the line and I might just be too dumb to get a grip on myself to tell him that clearly, without hesitating and wavering shyly. But it's just that. I think both my stupidity and his stupidity could do some real harm between us. Well that's exactly why I don't ever again want to actually date other people who have the same kind of mental disabilities as I do. It's a huge misunderstanding and clash waiting to happen, cause it creates a huge breach in communication. Sure, this is not a relationship as such, but he might start thinking it is, and that's what I worry about.
Well I got myself into this mess, didn't I?
And I was the one to fuck this mess, wasn't I?
Oh dear lord, what the fuck am I doing...
Yeah I'm not being self-destructive at all, am I? The thing about that though is that I simply don't know when I'm self-harming or not. It has become part of the essence of me, an integral part of my persona, and it is in fact inseparable from the rest of me. So I can't tell it apart from the rest.
This low feels so damn far down that I'm not even trying to climb up from it. I'm just sitting here, staring upwards, shaking my head in disbelief and thinking "now how the fuck am I supposed to get back up from here?!"
Tuesday, 7 August 2018
Dark sides of hookups
So I've decided to meet up with a new guy again, on Thursday, and he'll be staying here with me for a few days. I do feel iffy about him and I don't know why I agreed to meet him. Yeah, I'm "thinking with my pussy" and my sex addiction is taking me places again. I felt iffy about him from the start, as he sent me 4 or 5 messages on qruiser asking if he could crash at my place and fuck me. I ignored him then. Then he sent me text messages to my phone, but I had not given him my number. I asked him how he got it and he said he had dug up my real name from some old diary posts I had made on qruiser and then looked me up online. Creepy.
Then we started talking on the phone as well, and the way he went on and on about wanting to be in a relationship with me and kept bringing up how he "wouldn't mind it" if he got me knocked up... eeeh kinda gets my feelings in a twist about this whole thing. I told him up front that if he got me knocked up I'd get rid of the kid asap cause I don't want kids. I don't think the message got through to him. Cause he just kept saying it would work out cause of being two people caring for the kid, etc. It says on his (very bare) profile that he wants kids. Well I'm not gonna give him one. And about the relationship nagging I've been more vague, like saying "we'll see about that" like we haven't even met yet even. That is creepy too. This is by far the creepiest guy I've ever decided to have sex with and I know I shouldn't.
I really have to learn to say no when they're giving me bad vibes like this. Or my insatiable pussy is gonna be the end of me. Especially now that I'm getting several times over more attention on hookup sites cause of being a cis girl, meaning I'm just gonna have to say no to some people or I won't even be able to fit them all into my schedule without a "time-turner" and my risk of getting harmed and into trouble will or has already increased massively. I can't just keep saying yes to every single guy who wants to fuck me or it's gonna fuck me up. Because that's exactly what I'm doing. Yep, I've got problems. And they're huge.
Being a girl who's a sex addict and insatiable for hookups really does have a huge list of both pros and and cons. I expected this, but oh man, was I not prepared! Girls seeking hookups like this is very rare and very wanted, so, they tend to get very drowned in sexual attention on such sites. That much I knew, but I was not prepared for actually receiving that sort of reality, and I was not prepared for the consequences. Couple of days ago when I looged into qruiser after having been offline for just 2 days or so, my inbox was filled with 40 new unread messages. That is an extreme record, as before it had never been more than 10. Over 30 of those were men wanting to have sex with me. Some of them are inevitably gonna be creeps and/or dangerous.
But I definitely have thought about that, like what if I would someday want a kid, despite really not wanting to now? It likely woudn't happen even if I at some point would want to. I don't think it would be the greatest idea to raise a kid entirely on my own (or with a random creep from online), so I'd need a partner. Someone I could stand being around a little longer than 10 months. And I'm unlikely to find someone like that anytime soon. Being a smoker with a crappy diet and fucked up sleep pattern that I can't change wouldn't go well together with a pregnancy either.
The kid would likely also get asperger's due to my genes and I'm not sure I could handle a kid with special needs when I can't even handle my own special needs. I'm almost 30 and I know fertility starts going down noticably at around age 35, and there's just no way I could possibly have all I need and everything in order and actually want a kid, within 6 or so years from now. Also it's not certain at all that I'm still fertile from all these years of taking testosterone. So if I'd start trying for a kid sometime after age 35, I likely wouldn't succeed. So on that note I think it's better if I'd be fine with staying child-less, well, forever. Even if I'd change my mind sometime later on and suddenly want a kid, reality is that it's likely too late by then. I'll get cats instead, as soon as I can. I'd love to raise some cats.
I'm just thinking pragmatically and these thoughts popped up cause I'm suddenly getting a little scared about if this creepy dude I'll see on Thursday might actually knock me up and if I'd run into trouble having it aborted then. Like I don't know just how creepy that dude is. He could threaten me to keep it, for all I know. But then I also wouldn't have to tell him, so hopefully that wouldn't be an issue. But it does still make my stomach turn a bit.
I really should unbook with this guy. He's giving me such bad vibes, this doesn't feel safe. Am I walking into a trap? If only I could actually know. I don't know how to say 'no' and decline. I know that comes from the rape. That if I'd say no I'd be talked into it and/or forced and then I'd rather force myself into it despite not wanting to or being scared of the guy. Self-defense became self-harm. I don't know to learn to say no cause I keep trying to but I can't make myself do it and always give in eventually. I freeze up, lose my words and agree instead, or am vague and scared and then agree. It's not good.
Well what are my issues with this particular guy then? He gives me extremely intense stalker vibes. Like first he was very persistent on qruiser when I didn't respond, then he basically "doxxed" me and found my cell phone number which he texted me to, then now he won't stop texting me for even an hour. I swear he sends me at least one (but up to 8) texts per hour. Mostly I ignore them or give short answers seldom. And he's been very persistent and creepy about wanting to be in a relationship with me. Like we seriously didn't even know of each other's existence a week ago and barely know anything about each other, but he keeps talking about how much he wants to be in a relationship, moving in together, having kids together, yeah am I getting the point across? He's completely unreasonable and high stalker factor here.
I think actually meeting him and having sex with him in my own home could put me in danger. I don't think he'd want to let go quickly if I do that, and giving him my adress and access to my home could be a very bad move. I'm not sure he'd let go quickly even if I don't, and actually abort the mission instead. He's seriously giving me the creeps and I think I have good reason to be worried about his intentions, even though I could of course also be wrong about my fears and he might just be very socially inept but harmless. Well, my gut is telling me this is dangerous and I should not do it. My intellect tells me the same and in this moment even my pussy is having doubts about him. Like I'm not even getting horny at all thinking about meeting him anymore. Those are some pretty clear signs and red flags my body is giving me. I don't know if I think he'd actually physically hurt me, but he does seem to be very psychologically... demanding. Like he's not respecting my boundaries or personal space much at all. I even told him that I didn't want to chat constantly but he completely ignored that. That alone raised my suspicions.
Well I guess I'm just gonna have to hope I can get him to back off if I can manage to cancel this meeting, or I might have to look into getting a restraining order and/or change my phone number. Yikes, these are the dark sides to internet hookups... Cause you have literally no idea when you might hook up with someone actually dangerous.
Is there a higher risk of straight guys being like this? Dangerous, I mean. Yeah, in the sense that there are many more straight guys than there are bi and gay guys, percentually the vast majority of dangerous men are straight, logically. But I mean... am I in bigger danger as a woman than I was as a man, looking for male hookups? Perhaps I am cause there is another factor to it: that I get a lot more attention from men on those sites as a woman than I ever did as a man. About 4 or 5 times as much attention, if not more. That, in and of itself, inevitably increases the risk. Well, perhaps don't be surprised if I end up raped and murdered while wearing next to nothing in a ditch somewhere at some point... I've lived a tragic life, so I don't suppose my death will be any less tragic. It will likely be the cherry on top of that miserable cake I called life.
That doesn't bother me though. I think the dead likely don't care much about how they died. It's the ones they left behind that care about how their loved ones died. But it doesn't really matter to me how or when exactly I'll die, as long as my mind is still functioning at least until close to death-moment.
But anyhow, this got a little too dark. Sorry about that. I digressed. I don't think this particular hookup would kill me and dump me in a ditch. But I do fear he might get obsessive with me and contact me constantly and possibly even act as though we're in a relationship together and get jealous and keep pushing me about moving in together and getting babies and just... well, that should be enough of a reason. I mean, I think that's enough reason to be worried about meeting him, even though I don't fear for my life per se. Getting killed by a hookup would suck really bad, but getting a stalker on my hands would also fucking suck. I don't think he would kill me, I really don't. Although it's possible he might get threatening and/or abusive. And well, that scares me too.
The dark side of hookup culture is definitely accidentally hooking up with stalkers, rapists, killers, etc. I'm gonna really have to learn to say no when I get bad vibes like this, but I just don't know how? Usually if there's someone I'm not interested in or feel iffy about I just ignore them. But this guy I couldn't ignore cause he got my number and wouldn't stop texting. He doesn't seem to understand that he crossed a line with that, and I can't seem to convey that he did. I don't know how to stand up for myself about such things and how to not back down when being given a crappy explanation or no explanation at all. But I do fully understand it's a totally bad thing to just keep saying yes even when I don't want it for the sake of it not turning into rape or being talked into meeting up after having said no. That I'd rather hurt myself than being hurt by others. That I'd take the fall for them. And it's damaging me. Or, I'm pretty sure that does damage me in some way.
Cause it's like I break my own trust in myself, kinda. Like going against my gut feeling and forcing myself to have sex with guys I don't want to have sex with because I can't say no to them. That's almost like self-rape too. And that is me breaching my own boundaries. I don't think many people understand how much it fucks you up to let someone you're really not into feel you up and fuck your holes when you'd rather just run away, simply cause you can't say no. And for what? Isn't it just as bad to be hurt by someone else as it is to hurt yourself, in the same manner and degree? I don't know. It could actually be worse. To betray yourself instead of being hurt by someone random. Cause who should you be able to trust, if not yourself? Well I really can't trust myself. At all. I'm a hazard to myself. There's nothing I can trust myself to not do.
I don't know if that's an aspect of my sex addiction or really just a distorted aspect of hyper-vigilance due to the trauma. I mean distorted in the sense that it derives from hyper-vigilance as a form of self-defense, but is more of a self-fulfilling prophecy in which I achieve the very thing I'm trying to avoid: getting hurt. That it's sexual as well as compulsive, makes it kinda overlap with my sex addiction or be an aspect of that too. I can't quite tell them apart.
I kinda think less of myself for that sex addiction now though. And it's sexist. Cause as a man I thought it was almost kinda normal, in a way. Like guys are naturally more sexual and more often into casual sex and such. Like I was still clearly extra with my sexuality even for a guy... but now? As a woman I'm completely and utterly crazy with my sexual ways compared to other women on average, like it's not normal even in the slightest sense. That as a woman my sex addiction and sexual behaviours are clearly outrageous. And that perspective kinda weighs on me a bit. It's both because of societal norms and simply biology.
I mean, according to nature (applies to most mammals) females are hardwired to be protective of their pussies to avoid getting pregnant too often and with bad mates, while males are hardwired to want to spread their seeds everywhere to get their genes going and knock up as many females as possible. And society enforces that by saying women should "keep their legs closed" and men get praised for being more sexually active. It is a stereotype, but it is based on biology and natural breeding habits that apply to many more species than just humans. So it's not really sexist, but I'm sure it comes across like that for some people (who are probably not reading this). And so, my sexuality going beyond the opposite to what my nature says and giving my female ass the sexual behaviour of an extreme male... kinda messes with me a little bit.
But at the same time I don't want for it to be any different. I like being this overly sexual, unemotional about it and fucking hookups. In fact I wish for it to stay the same after I've gone off testo. But likely it won't. I just wish I could keep at least half of my current libido. I think I'd be miserable if it drops to zero again. But maybe it won't go down all that much actually, considering this kind of "effect" to get from solely testo, is kinda rare. I mean likely it's not only testo that makes me this intensely sexual. But we'll see, I guess.
That is basically the only thing about testo that I want to keep exactly how it currently already is. Yeah, and my fat distribution. But that's not enough to make me want to stay on it.
I still have one more day to try to make myself cancel this meeting with this guy, and the sooner the better. Cause fuck me sideways if I don't, huh?
Then we started talking on the phone as well, and the way he went on and on about wanting to be in a relationship with me and kept bringing up how he "wouldn't mind it" if he got me knocked up... eeeh kinda gets my feelings in a twist about this whole thing. I told him up front that if he got me knocked up I'd get rid of the kid asap cause I don't want kids. I don't think the message got through to him. Cause he just kept saying it would work out cause of being two people caring for the kid, etc. It says on his (very bare) profile that he wants kids. Well I'm not gonna give him one. And about the relationship nagging I've been more vague, like saying "we'll see about that" like we haven't even met yet even. That is creepy too. This is by far the creepiest guy I've ever decided to have sex with and I know I shouldn't.
I really have to learn to say no when they're giving me bad vibes like this. Or my insatiable pussy is gonna be the end of me. Especially now that I'm getting several times over more attention on hookup sites cause of being a cis girl, meaning I'm just gonna have to say no to some people or I won't even be able to fit them all into my schedule without a "time-turner" and my risk of getting harmed and into trouble will or has already increased massively. I can't just keep saying yes to every single guy who wants to fuck me or it's gonna fuck me up. Because that's exactly what I'm doing. Yep, I've got problems. And they're huge.
Being a girl who's a sex addict and insatiable for hookups really does have a huge list of both pros and and cons. I expected this, but oh man, was I not prepared! Girls seeking hookups like this is very rare and very wanted, so, they tend to get very drowned in sexual attention on such sites. That much I knew, but I was not prepared for actually receiving that sort of reality, and I was not prepared for the consequences. Couple of days ago when I looged into qruiser after having been offline for just 2 days or so, my inbox was filled with 40 new unread messages. That is an extreme record, as before it had never been more than 10. Over 30 of those were men wanting to have sex with me. Some of them are inevitably gonna be creeps and/or dangerous.
But I definitely have thought about that, like what if I would someday want a kid, despite really not wanting to now? It likely woudn't happen even if I at some point would want to. I don't think it would be the greatest idea to raise a kid entirely on my own (or with a random creep from online), so I'd need a partner. Someone I could stand being around a little longer than 10 months. And I'm unlikely to find someone like that anytime soon. Being a smoker with a crappy diet and fucked up sleep pattern that I can't change wouldn't go well together with a pregnancy either.
The kid would likely also get asperger's due to my genes and I'm not sure I could handle a kid with special needs when I can't even handle my own special needs. I'm almost 30 and I know fertility starts going down noticably at around age 35, and there's just no way I could possibly have all I need and everything in order and actually want a kid, within 6 or so years from now. Also it's not certain at all that I'm still fertile from all these years of taking testosterone. So if I'd start trying for a kid sometime after age 35, I likely wouldn't succeed. So on that note I think it's better if I'd be fine with staying child-less, well, forever. Even if I'd change my mind sometime later on and suddenly want a kid, reality is that it's likely too late by then. I'll get cats instead, as soon as I can. I'd love to raise some cats.
I'm just thinking pragmatically and these thoughts popped up cause I'm suddenly getting a little scared about if this creepy dude I'll see on Thursday might actually knock me up and if I'd run into trouble having it aborted then. Like I don't know just how creepy that dude is. He could threaten me to keep it, for all I know. But then I also wouldn't have to tell him, so hopefully that wouldn't be an issue. But it does still make my stomach turn a bit.
I really should unbook with this guy. He's giving me such bad vibes, this doesn't feel safe. Am I walking into a trap? If only I could actually know. I don't know how to say 'no' and decline. I know that comes from the rape. That if I'd say no I'd be talked into it and/or forced and then I'd rather force myself into it despite not wanting to or being scared of the guy. Self-defense became self-harm. I don't know to learn to say no cause I keep trying to but I can't make myself do it and always give in eventually. I freeze up, lose my words and agree instead, or am vague and scared and then agree. It's not good.
Well what are my issues with this particular guy then? He gives me extremely intense stalker vibes. Like first he was very persistent on qruiser when I didn't respond, then he basically "doxxed" me and found my cell phone number which he texted me to, then now he won't stop texting me for even an hour. I swear he sends me at least one (but up to 8) texts per hour. Mostly I ignore them or give short answers seldom. And he's been very persistent and creepy about wanting to be in a relationship with me. Like we seriously didn't even know of each other's existence a week ago and barely know anything about each other, but he keeps talking about how much he wants to be in a relationship, moving in together, having kids together, yeah am I getting the point across? He's completely unreasonable and high stalker factor here.
I think actually meeting him and having sex with him in my own home could put me in danger. I don't think he'd want to let go quickly if I do that, and giving him my adress and access to my home could be a very bad move. I'm not sure he'd let go quickly even if I don't, and actually abort the mission instead. He's seriously giving me the creeps and I think I have good reason to be worried about his intentions, even though I could of course also be wrong about my fears and he might just be very socially inept but harmless. Well, my gut is telling me this is dangerous and I should not do it. My intellect tells me the same and in this moment even my pussy is having doubts about him. Like I'm not even getting horny at all thinking about meeting him anymore. Those are some pretty clear signs and red flags my body is giving me. I don't know if I think he'd actually physically hurt me, but he does seem to be very psychologically... demanding. Like he's not respecting my boundaries or personal space much at all. I even told him that I didn't want to chat constantly but he completely ignored that. That alone raised my suspicions.
Well I guess I'm just gonna have to hope I can get him to back off if I can manage to cancel this meeting, or I might have to look into getting a restraining order and/or change my phone number. Yikes, these are the dark sides to internet hookups... Cause you have literally no idea when you might hook up with someone actually dangerous.
Is there a higher risk of straight guys being like this? Dangerous, I mean. Yeah, in the sense that there are many more straight guys than there are bi and gay guys, percentually the vast majority of dangerous men are straight, logically. But I mean... am I in bigger danger as a woman than I was as a man, looking for male hookups? Perhaps I am cause there is another factor to it: that I get a lot more attention from men on those sites as a woman than I ever did as a man. About 4 or 5 times as much attention, if not more. That, in and of itself, inevitably increases the risk. Well, perhaps don't be surprised if I end up raped and murdered while wearing next to nothing in a ditch somewhere at some point... I've lived a tragic life, so I don't suppose my death will be any less tragic. It will likely be the cherry on top of that miserable cake I called life.
That doesn't bother me though. I think the dead likely don't care much about how they died. It's the ones they left behind that care about how their loved ones died. But it doesn't really matter to me how or when exactly I'll die, as long as my mind is still functioning at least until close to death-moment.
But anyhow, this got a little too dark. Sorry about that. I digressed. I don't think this particular hookup would kill me and dump me in a ditch. But I do fear he might get obsessive with me and contact me constantly and possibly even act as though we're in a relationship together and get jealous and keep pushing me about moving in together and getting babies and just... well, that should be enough of a reason. I mean, I think that's enough reason to be worried about meeting him, even though I don't fear for my life per se. Getting killed by a hookup would suck really bad, but getting a stalker on my hands would also fucking suck. I don't think he would kill me, I really don't. Although it's possible he might get threatening and/or abusive. And well, that scares me too.
The dark side of hookup culture is definitely accidentally hooking up with stalkers, rapists, killers, etc. I'm gonna really have to learn to say no when I get bad vibes like this, but I just don't know how? Usually if there's someone I'm not interested in or feel iffy about I just ignore them. But this guy I couldn't ignore cause he got my number and wouldn't stop texting. He doesn't seem to understand that he crossed a line with that, and I can't seem to convey that he did. I don't know how to stand up for myself about such things and how to not back down when being given a crappy explanation or no explanation at all. But I do fully understand it's a totally bad thing to just keep saying yes even when I don't want it for the sake of it not turning into rape or being talked into meeting up after having said no. That I'd rather hurt myself than being hurt by others. That I'd take the fall for them. And it's damaging me. Or, I'm pretty sure that does damage me in some way.
Cause it's like I break my own trust in myself, kinda. Like going against my gut feeling and forcing myself to have sex with guys I don't want to have sex with because I can't say no to them. That's almost like self-rape too. And that is me breaching my own boundaries. I don't think many people understand how much it fucks you up to let someone you're really not into feel you up and fuck your holes when you'd rather just run away, simply cause you can't say no. And for what? Isn't it just as bad to be hurt by someone else as it is to hurt yourself, in the same manner and degree? I don't know. It could actually be worse. To betray yourself instead of being hurt by someone random. Cause who should you be able to trust, if not yourself? Well I really can't trust myself. At all. I'm a hazard to myself. There's nothing I can trust myself to not do.
I don't know if that's an aspect of my sex addiction or really just a distorted aspect of hyper-vigilance due to the trauma. I mean distorted in the sense that it derives from hyper-vigilance as a form of self-defense, but is more of a self-fulfilling prophecy in which I achieve the very thing I'm trying to avoid: getting hurt. That it's sexual as well as compulsive, makes it kinda overlap with my sex addiction or be an aspect of that too. I can't quite tell them apart.
I kinda think less of myself for that sex addiction now though. And it's sexist. Cause as a man I thought it was almost kinda normal, in a way. Like guys are naturally more sexual and more often into casual sex and such. Like I was still clearly extra with my sexuality even for a guy... but now? As a woman I'm completely and utterly crazy with my sexual ways compared to other women on average, like it's not normal even in the slightest sense. That as a woman my sex addiction and sexual behaviours are clearly outrageous. And that perspective kinda weighs on me a bit. It's both because of societal norms and simply biology.
I mean, according to nature (applies to most mammals) females are hardwired to be protective of their pussies to avoid getting pregnant too often and with bad mates, while males are hardwired to want to spread their seeds everywhere to get their genes going and knock up as many females as possible. And society enforces that by saying women should "keep their legs closed" and men get praised for being more sexually active. It is a stereotype, but it is based on biology and natural breeding habits that apply to many more species than just humans. So it's not really sexist, but I'm sure it comes across like that for some people (who are probably not reading this). And so, my sexuality going beyond the opposite to what my nature says and giving my female ass the sexual behaviour of an extreme male... kinda messes with me a little bit.
But at the same time I don't want for it to be any different. I like being this overly sexual, unemotional about it and fucking hookups. In fact I wish for it to stay the same after I've gone off testo. But likely it won't. I just wish I could keep at least half of my current libido. I think I'd be miserable if it drops to zero again. But maybe it won't go down all that much actually, considering this kind of "effect" to get from solely testo, is kinda rare. I mean likely it's not only testo that makes me this intensely sexual. But we'll see, I guess.
That is basically the only thing about testo that I want to keep exactly how it currently already is. Yeah, and my fat distribution. But that's not enough to make me want to stay on it.
I still have one more day to try to make myself cancel this meeting with this guy, and the sooner the better. Cause fuck me sideways if I don't, huh?
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