How long was I wrong about my gender? From an analytical perspective. I've thought of it a bit. Cause it's a bit hard to tell. Let's try to map it out how I've identified my gender from now and back to early childhood, and see if I can get the ages somewhat accurate:
- Age 29 (and presumably onwards): Except from my short moments of wondering if I may be nonbinary, I've this age, since summer, thought of myself as a binary woman.
- Ages 19 to 29: Except from a couple of months at age 27 (when I saw myself as bigender: male and "something else") I saw myself as a binary man during this time period.
- Ages 15 to 19: This was an exceptionally confusing time and I used to refer to it as my "trans denial" period. In hindsight I guess it was my "cis denial" period... I had "discovered" I'm "actually a trans guy" at age 15 and then tried to live as a girl but it didn't pan out well, which led to me reaching the conclusion I was really a guy, at age 19. However at moments during this time I really did enjoy being a girl and having a feminine body. I liked my body, but I felt wrong in it. I did want to be a girl, but I felt like I just couldn't be one and like I couldn't connect to it. Like I had failed at it or couldn't handle it, and that it would "free" me to be a guy instead.
- Ages 13 to 15: Was probably the only time of my life I thought of myself as somewhat/kind of a girl, but I hated it and the trans thoughts kept popping up from time to time.
- Ages 10 to 13: I saw myself as gender neutral or a "third gender" and wished I could stay pre-pubescent into adulthood. I hated the way my body was developing and feminising. I started getting clear signs of body dysphoria/dysmorphia at around age 10 cause of puberty, but had no real signs of that at any younger age.
- Ages 6 to 10: I had a few random wishes of "wanting to be a boy" but I think mostly it was just because I thought boys had more social advantages and I didn't want to have to deal with all the casual misogyny that I was exposed to.
- Ages up to 6: I already then had wishes of being a boy, but they weren't yet as intense, and mostly I just felt completely detached from gender and thought of myself as simply a person with a human body. I felt estranged from both boys and girls, I felt like an alien among everyone. I dissociated from my body being human but wasn't dysphoric about it being female, specifically.
So, to lump that up into slightly narrower categories and just list what gender I saw myself as:
Age 29 (and presumably onwards): Woman (cis).
Ages 19 to 29: Man (trans).
Ages 15 to 19: A trans guy who didn't want to become a woman, and/or as a failed girl.
Ages 13 to 15: "Probably a girl" but also I wanted to transition.
Ages up to 13: "Gender neutral" with random wishes of being a boy.
So, well... I think that clarifies that I've never known my actual gender before now, in detransition, current age. But it was always right there, in my knickers, how did I miss it?! Well, maybe sometimes things are just too close up for you to be able to see them. Maybe my vagina was "too obvious" or "too simple" of a sign that I MAY just be a girl/woman... cause I've always been the kinda person who complicates everything.
But I struggled so much with myself. What I thought of my body, the traumas that made me hate it. That even when I had figured out what being a trans guy meant and it seemed to fit dead on, I still doubted and didn't want for it to be true. It felt like it would be the worst thing ever if it turned out I was trans! Well in a way it WAS the worst thing that ever happened to me... oh boy, if only I knew the total gravity of that at the time! But that's how it felt at age 15 after I had found out that trans men exist, on Qruiser. That same lgbt dating site, I've been on ever since. And it was the first online site I ever created an account on. I still use the same account with with the same cringey teen username. It was my first source of knowing that trans men, not just trans women, exist. Which hit that last nail in the coffin. Back in January 2005. Was a while ago. But yeah, that means I've more or less thought of myself as a trans guy/man since age 15, which was 14 years ago. During my 4 years in denial, I sometimes forgot about the whole trans thing, but it always came back again and again. I didn't truly deal with it: I only tried to brush it under the rug.
Transsexualism felt like the one shoe I didn't want for to fit, but it did. I tried at first, at age 15, to see if trans life could work out for me, but I was way too scared to even bind my chest in public, let alone come out. I became kind of a cross-dresser in secret, and it felt dirty. When no one could see me in my teen room I bound my chest with elastic bandages, stuffed a sock into my pants and wore tight white jeans and a white tank top. Androgynous rocker guy, that's how I liked to imagine myself back then. Well, my idols were the Swedish "poodle rock" heavy metal band Europe, then metal dudes like Judas Priest, Alice Cooper, Iron Maiden, David Bowie and all except from Brolle those guys had long curly hair, wore makeup and tight spandex tights that showed off a big bulge. I was heavily inspired by 1980's heavy metal style, with the big hair, lots of makeup and yeah... spandex that showed everything.
But transsexualism was the horrible curse I could not accept as part of me at the "prime" of my already disastrous teens. I just realise that what I deeply wanted and wished for back then... was actually what could be considered a form of conversion therapy. I wanted therapy that could teach me ways to learn how to be fine with my body the way it naturally was. I didn't want to transition! I wanted to become fine with my body the way it was! So THAT's where my passive aggression towards the trans agen-- I mean community (sorry *cough* got something in my throat there) is all about. Cause fucking "conversion therapy" for transgenders likely would have saved me. Saved me from transitioning and the devastating consequences of it that I now have to live with. I even wanted it, I begged to the gods for it! But it's considered "inhumane" and not actually available to get as legit treatment for gender dysphoria. If I had started something like that around age 15-16, or even possibly up to around age 20, I think it would have worked. And of course adressing my traumas at the same time as well. Well this explains so much why I feel so angry at the trans... narrative? Oh god what do I even call it...
But back to reality of how it was back then. I tried to stuff it away and I really did try to just "be" me, dress the way I wanted to as a girl and try my best to just ignore what all of that "being a girl" meant, for myself and others. But then my rapist, and R changed all of that. So after them, I stopped trying to be a girl and I wanted to escape ever becoming a woman. It makes me sad to think about now. All the sadness and pain that I brought upon myself.
But to answer my own question, I have never before thought of myself or wanted to be a woman. I have to some degree thought of myself as a girl in my mid-late teens but it didn't feel right or good for me ever. So no, I have never actually seen myself as a girl or woman ever, before now.
It didn't feel like I had any choice in the matter at all. It all happened so suddenly that day in mid summer this year. I went from thinking I was a man to knowing I'm a woman as quickly as you can snap your fingers. It shocked me, and damn it if I'm not still in shock. It's like a mortal enemy of mine all of a sudden, out of the blue, dropped her battle axe and embraced me in a gentle hug. And I was so shocked by it I didn't know whether to fight or flee. And I did both, I think, but my enemy never stopped embracing me and eventually it became soothing, warming and comforting, so I began to respond to her embrace. I became a little gay for myself, in perhaps more than one, mostly metaphorical way. And we've held each other ever since, both very loving and caring, me and my female gender, but we're both very overly emotional, fragile and like we're both afraid to ever let go. May nothing ever tear us apart again.
I was at odds with my gender already from as far back as I can remember, from early childhood, and it took me this long to come to peace with it. That's why I call it "internalised misogyny" cause even though it's a term coined by radical feminism and not well-liked by the trans... whatever, the term explains my personal experience with my own gender feelings all the way from childhood. A self-hatred specifically targetting everything gendered about myself, because I am female.
I don't think there is a term known as "internalised misandry" as an equivalence for males, because I know feminism enough to highly doubt that... but I'm sure the males can have the same kind of self-hate experience that's because of them being male. So for all intents and purposes, I'm sure that there is a male equivalence that could be called internalised misandry.
Because I don't believe that just because I hated being a girl/woman for my entire life until the last fraction of it, that somehow must have meant I wasn't a girl/woman. It is really just a fraction of my life so far that I've been completely fine with being a woman, cause really, how much is 5 months out of 29 years and 8 months? I'm guessing not a lot, percentually.
Quick maths, 29 years is a total of 348 months. Add 8 to that so it gets more exact: 356 months. Now take 5 divided by that, as in: 5/356 = 0,0140449438202247. Let's round that off a little bit though, looks kinda clunky. (Yes, I calculate percentages in an unnecessarily complicated way.) That's for how many percent of my life I've been comfortable with being the gender that I am: the last 0,014% of my life. I'm not a math nerd, but I think this little calculation puts things into perspective, of why I'm so incredibly shocked and dumbfunded by this huge revelation that I've been a cis woman all along.
Quick sidenote: I finally think I managed to calculate how many percent of the entire population of people detrans, if 0,3% transition in the first place and 2% of them detrans. My result is that out of everyone, cis and trans combined: 0,0006% detransition. That's equal to one in 60 thousand people, I think. That number... is basically statistically inexistent.
Back on topic. I feel like I'm such a cluts at being a woman because I didn't get to learn about or practice it during the entire decade of my 20's. Most women who are 29 know that stuff better cause they've lived as women/girls for 29 years. I didn't. I started living as a woman 5 months ago. So it's not so fucking strange I'm an awkward, stumbling cluts... with trying to be a woman. Of course I come off as some iffy drag queen. If you consider the circumstances, it's not strange at all. So no, I don't, and I never did, fail at being a woman. I'm just a newbie at it.
It doesn't really come natural to me, I don't think any kind of gender or expression of such ever has for me. That's part of why it's been so hard to figure out. Cause gender simply doesn't come natural to me, and clothes don't either. It's actually known that asperger's messes with one's gender-feels, especially among females who have it, and now I think I understand why. But always running around naked and never being gendered at all in any way, doesn't really fit well with society. Especially not the being naked part. People would start complaining pretty quickly, and I'd freeze my ass off. But being a woman feels good to me, and a whole range of strongly positive emotions, everything from feeling empowered to feeling soothed, and that's what I'm mostly basing it on.
I'm so glad I finally found that love and connection to myself, but I'm sad it had to take a gender reassignment that ultimately was the opposite to what I truly needed, to find that loving connection.
Tell me again, is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
Cause I began to love myself after I had lost myself in ways I can never regain, and that's what's causing this intense grief. So would it have been better if I had never found that self-love and instead lived a half-assed self-hating life as a trans man, never even knowing myself as a woman? No, I don't think the latter would have been better, but it's clear to me that the former is merely the lesser of two evils, and the whole fucklot of reality just pains me.
It feels cruel, but I am still glad I eventually did find that self-love. And it makes sense that the price of it was so insanely high... cause isn't it the most valuable thing you could ever get? It reminds me... although it's really fucking difficult to bring these words out of me... through hardships immeasurable and inexpressible pain... it was worth it. (Now I really want to cry.)
Showing posts with label gender. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gender. Show all posts
Wednesday, 12 December 2018
Tuesday, 7 August 2018
Dark sides of hookups
So I've decided to meet up with a new guy again, on Thursday, and he'll be staying here with me for a few days. I do feel iffy about him and I don't know why I agreed to meet him. Yeah, I'm "thinking with my pussy" and my sex addiction is taking me places again. I felt iffy about him from the start, as he sent me 4 or 5 messages on qruiser asking if he could crash at my place and fuck me. I ignored him then. Then he sent me text messages to my phone, but I had not given him my number. I asked him how he got it and he said he had dug up my real name from some old diary posts I had made on qruiser and then looked me up online. Creepy.
Then we started talking on the phone as well, and the way he went on and on about wanting to be in a relationship with me and kept bringing up how he "wouldn't mind it" if he got me knocked up... eeeh kinda gets my feelings in a twist about this whole thing. I told him up front that if he got me knocked up I'd get rid of the kid asap cause I don't want kids. I don't think the message got through to him. Cause he just kept saying it would work out cause of being two people caring for the kid, etc. It says on his (very bare) profile that he wants kids. Well I'm not gonna give him one. And about the relationship nagging I've been more vague, like saying "we'll see about that" like we haven't even met yet even. That is creepy too. This is by far the creepiest guy I've ever decided to have sex with and I know I shouldn't.
I really have to learn to say no when they're giving me bad vibes like this. Or my insatiable pussy is gonna be the end of me. Especially now that I'm getting several times over more attention on hookup sites cause of being a cis girl, meaning I'm just gonna have to say no to some people or I won't even be able to fit them all into my schedule without a "time-turner" and my risk of getting harmed and into trouble will or has already increased massively. I can't just keep saying yes to every single guy who wants to fuck me or it's gonna fuck me up. Because that's exactly what I'm doing. Yep, I've got problems. And they're huge.
Being a girl who's a sex addict and insatiable for hookups really does have a huge list of both pros and and cons. I expected this, but oh man, was I not prepared! Girls seeking hookups like this is very rare and very wanted, so, they tend to get very drowned in sexual attention on such sites. That much I knew, but I was not prepared for actually receiving that sort of reality, and I was not prepared for the consequences. Couple of days ago when I looged into qruiser after having been offline for just 2 days or so, my inbox was filled with 40 new unread messages. That is an extreme record, as before it had never been more than 10. Over 30 of those were men wanting to have sex with me. Some of them are inevitably gonna be creeps and/or dangerous.
But I definitely have thought about that, like what if I would someday want a kid, despite really not wanting to now? It likely woudn't happen even if I at some point would want to. I don't think it would be the greatest idea to raise a kid entirely on my own (or with a random creep from online), so I'd need a partner. Someone I could stand being around a little longer than 10 months. And I'm unlikely to find someone like that anytime soon. Being a smoker with a crappy diet and fucked up sleep pattern that I can't change wouldn't go well together with a pregnancy either.
The kid would likely also get asperger's due to my genes and I'm not sure I could handle a kid with special needs when I can't even handle my own special needs. I'm almost 30 and I know fertility starts going down noticably at around age 35, and there's just no way I could possibly have all I need and everything in order and actually want a kid, within 6 or so years from now. Also it's not certain at all that I'm still fertile from all these years of taking testosterone. So if I'd start trying for a kid sometime after age 35, I likely wouldn't succeed. So on that note I think it's better if I'd be fine with staying child-less, well, forever. Even if I'd change my mind sometime later on and suddenly want a kid, reality is that it's likely too late by then. I'll get cats instead, as soon as I can. I'd love to raise some cats.
I'm just thinking pragmatically and these thoughts popped up cause I'm suddenly getting a little scared about if this creepy dude I'll see on Thursday might actually knock me up and if I'd run into trouble having it aborted then. Like I don't know just how creepy that dude is. He could threaten me to keep it, for all I know. But then I also wouldn't have to tell him, so hopefully that wouldn't be an issue. But it does still make my stomach turn a bit.
I really should unbook with this guy. He's giving me such bad vibes, this doesn't feel safe. Am I walking into a trap? If only I could actually know. I don't know how to say 'no' and decline. I know that comes from the rape. That if I'd say no I'd be talked into it and/or forced and then I'd rather force myself into it despite not wanting to or being scared of the guy. Self-defense became self-harm. I don't know to learn to say no cause I keep trying to but I can't make myself do it and always give in eventually. I freeze up, lose my words and agree instead, or am vague and scared and then agree. It's not good.
Well what are my issues with this particular guy then? He gives me extremely intense stalker vibes. Like first he was very persistent on qruiser when I didn't respond, then he basically "doxxed" me and found my cell phone number which he texted me to, then now he won't stop texting me for even an hour. I swear he sends me at least one (but up to 8) texts per hour. Mostly I ignore them or give short answers seldom. And he's been very persistent and creepy about wanting to be in a relationship with me. Like we seriously didn't even know of each other's existence a week ago and barely know anything about each other, but he keeps talking about how much he wants to be in a relationship, moving in together, having kids together, yeah am I getting the point across? He's completely unreasonable and high stalker factor here.
I think actually meeting him and having sex with him in my own home could put me in danger. I don't think he'd want to let go quickly if I do that, and giving him my adress and access to my home could be a very bad move. I'm not sure he'd let go quickly even if I don't, and actually abort the mission instead. He's seriously giving me the creeps and I think I have good reason to be worried about his intentions, even though I could of course also be wrong about my fears and he might just be very socially inept but harmless. Well, my gut is telling me this is dangerous and I should not do it. My intellect tells me the same and in this moment even my pussy is having doubts about him. Like I'm not even getting horny at all thinking about meeting him anymore. Those are some pretty clear signs and red flags my body is giving me. I don't know if I think he'd actually physically hurt me, but he does seem to be very psychologically... demanding. Like he's not respecting my boundaries or personal space much at all. I even told him that I didn't want to chat constantly but he completely ignored that. That alone raised my suspicions.
Well I guess I'm just gonna have to hope I can get him to back off if I can manage to cancel this meeting, or I might have to look into getting a restraining order and/or change my phone number. Yikes, these are the dark sides to internet hookups... Cause you have literally no idea when you might hook up with someone actually dangerous.
Is there a higher risk of straight guys being like this? Dangerous, I mean. Yeah, in the sense that there are many more straight guys than there are bi and gay guys, percentually the vast majority of dangerous men are straight, logically. But I mean... am I in bigger danger as a woman than I was as a man, looking for male hookups? Perhaps I am cause there is another factor to it: that I get a lot more attention from men on those sites as a woman than I ever did as a man. About 4 or 5 times as much attention, if not more. That, in and of itself, inevitably increases the risk. Well, perhaps don't be surprised if I end up raped and murdered while wearing next to nothing in a ditch somewhere at some point... I've lived a tragic life, so I don't suppose my death will be any less tragic. It will likely be the cherry on top of that miserable cake I called life.
That doesn't bother me though. I think the dead likely don't care much about how they died. It's the ones they left behind that care about how their loved ones died. But it doesn't really matter to me how or when exactly I'll die, as long as my mind is still functioning at least until close to death-moment.
But anyhow, this got a little too dark. Sorry about that. I digressed. I don't think this particular hookup would kill me and dump me in a ditch. But I do fear he might get obsessive with me and contact me constantly and possibly even act as though we're in a relationship together and get jealous and keep pushing me about moving in together and getting babies and just... well, that should be enough of a reason. I mean, I think that's enough reason to be worried about meeting him, even though I don't fear for my life per se. Getting killed by a hookup would suck really bad, but getting a stalker on my hands would also fucking suck. I don't think he would kill me, I really don't. Although it's possible he might get threatening and/or abusive. And well, that scares me too.
The dark side of hookup culture is definitely accidentally hooking up with stalkers, rapists, killers, etc. I'm gonna really have to learn to say no when I get bad vibes like this, but I just don't know how? Usually if there's someone I'm not interested in or feel iffy about I just ignore them. But this guy I couldn't ignore cause he got my number and wouldn't stop texting. He doesn't seem to understand that he crossed a line with that, and I can't seem to convey that he did. I don't know how to stand up for myself about such things and how to not back down when being given a crappy explanation or no explanation at all. But I do fully understand it's a totally bad thing to just keep saying yes even when I don't want it for the sake of it not turning into rape or being talked into meeting up after having said no. That I'd rather hurt myself than being hurt by others. That I'd take the fall for them. And it's damaging me. Or, I'm pretty sure that does damage me in some way.
Cause it's like I break my own trust in myself, kinda. Like going against my gut feeling and forcing myself to have sex with guys I don't want to have sex with because I can't say no to them. That's almost like self-rape too. And that is me breaching my own boundaries. I don't think many people understand how much it fucks you up to let someone you're really not into feel you up and fuck your holes when you'd rather just run away, simply cause you can't say no. And for what? Isn't it just as bad to be hurt by someone else as it is to hurt yourself, in the same manner and degree? I don't know. It could actually be worse. To betray yourself instead of being hurt by someone random. Cause who should you be able to trust, if not yourself? Well I really can't trust myself. At all. I'm a hazard to myself. There's nothing I can trust myself to not do.
I don't know if that's an aspect of my sex addiction or really just a distorted aspect of hyper-vigilance due to the trauma. I mean distorted in the sense that it derives from hyper-vigilance as a form of self-defense, but is more of a self-fulfilling prophecy in which I achieve the very thing I'm trying to avoid: getting hurt. That it's sexual as well as compulsive, makes it kinda overlap with my sex addiction or be an aspect of that too. I can't quite tell them apart.
I kinda think less of myself for that sex addiction now though. And it's sexist. Cause as a man I thought it was almost kinda normal, in a way. Like guys are naturally more sexual and more often into casual sex and such. Like I was still clearly extra with my sexuality even for a guy... but now? As a woman I'm completely and utterly crazy with my sexual ways compared to other women on average, like it's not normal even in the slightest sense. That as a woman my sex addiction and sexual behaviours are clearly outrageous. And that perspective kinda weighs on me a bit. It's both because of societal norms and simply biology.
I mean, according to nature (applies to most mammals) females are hardwired to be protective of their pussies to avoid getting pregnant too often and with bad mates, while males are hardwired to want to spread their seeds everywhere to get their genes going and knock up as many females as possible. And society enforces that by saying women should "keep their legs closed" and men get praised for being more sexually active. It is a stereotype, but it is based on biology and natural breeding habits that apply to many more species than just humans. So it's not really sexist, but I'm sure it comes across like that for some people (who are probably not reading this). And so, my sexuality going beyond the opposite to what my nature says and giving my female ass the sexual behaviour of an extreme male... kinda messes with me a little bit.
But at the same time I don't want for it to be any different. I like being this overly sexual, unemotional about it and fucking hookups. In fact I wish for it to stay the same after I've gone off testo. But likely it won't. I just wish I could keep at least half of my current libido. I think I'd be miserable if it drops to zero again. But maybe it won't go down all that much actually, considering this kind of "effect" to get from solely testo, is kinda rare. I mean likely it's not only testo that makes me this intensely sexual. But we'll see, I guess.
That is basically the only thing about testo that I want to keep exactly how it currently already is. Yeah, and my fat distribution. But that's not enough to make me want to stay on it.
I still have one more day to try to make myself cancel this meeting with this guy, and the sooner the better. Cause fuck me sideways if I don't, huh?
Then we started talking on the phone as well, and the way he went on and on about wanting to be in a relationship with me and kept bringing up how he "wouldn't mind it" if he got me knocked up... eeeh kinda gets my feelings in a twist about this whole thing. I told him up front that if he got me knocked up I'd get rid of the kid asap cause I don't want kids. I don't think the message got through to him. Cause he just kept saying it would work out cause of being two people caring for the kid, etc. It says on his (very bare) profile that he wants kids. Well I'm not gonna give him one. And about the relationship nagging I've been more vague, like saying "we'll see about that" like we haven't even met yet even. That is creepy too. This is by far the creepiest guy I've ever decided to have sex with and I know I shouldn't.
I really have to learn to say no when they're giving me bad vibes like this. Or my insatiable pussy is gonna be the end of me. Especially now that I'm getting several times over more attention on hookup sites cause of being a cis girl, meaning I'm just gonna have to say no to some people or I won't even be able to fit them all into my schedule without a "time-turner" and my risk of getting harmed and into trouble will or has already increased massively. I can't just keep saying yes to every single guy who wants to fuck me or it's gonna fuck me up. Because that's exactly what I'm doing. Yep, I've got problems. And they're huge.
Being a girl who's a sex addict and insatiable for hookups really does have a huge list of both pros and and cons. I expected this, but oh man, was I not prepared! Girls seeking hookups like this is very rare and very wanted, so, they tend to get very drowned in sexual attention on such sites. That much I knew, but I was not prepared for actually receiving that sort of reality, and I was not prepared for the consequences. Couple of days ago when I looged into qruiser after having been offline for just 2 days or so, my inbox was filled with 40 new unread messages. That is an extreme record, as before it had never been more than 10. Over 30 of those were men wanting to have sex with me. Some of them are inevitably gonna be creeps and/or dangerous.
But I definitely have thought about that, like what if I would someday want a kid, despite really not wanting to now? It likely woudn't happen even if I at some point would want to. I don't think it would be the greatest idea to raise a kid entirely on my own (or with a random creep from online), so I'd need a partner. Someone I could stand being around a little longer than 10 months. And I'm unlikely to find someone like that anytime soon. Being a smoker with a crappy diet and fucked up sleep pattern that I can't change wouldn't go well together with a pregnancy either.
The kid would likely also get asperger's due to my genes and I'm not sure I could handle a kid with special needs when I can't even handle my own special needs. I'm almost 30 and I know fertility starts going down noticably at around age 35, and there's just no way I could possibly have all I need and everything in order and actually want a kid, within 6 or so years from now. Also it's not certain at all that I'm still fertile from all these years of taking testosterone. So if I'd start trying for a kid sometime after age 35, I likely wouldn't succeed. So on that note I think it's better if I'd be fine with staying child-less, well, forever. Even if I'd change my mind sometime later on and suddenly want a kid, reality is that it's likely too late by then. I'll get cats instead, as soon as I can. I'd love to raise some cats.
I'm just thinking pragmatically and these thoughts popped up cause I'm suddenly getting a little scared about if this creepy dude I'll see on Thursday might actually knock me up and if I'd run into trouble having it aborted then. Like I don't know just how creepy that dude is. He could threaten me to keep it, for all I know. But then I also wouldn't have to tell him, so hopefully that wouldn't be an issue. But it does still make my stomach turn a bit.
I really should unbook with this guy. He's giving me such bad vibes, this doesn't feel safe. Am I walking into a trap? If only I could actually know. I don't know how to say 'no' and decline. I know that comes from the rape. That if I'd say no I'd be talked into it and/or forced and then I'd rather force myself into it despite not wanting to or being scared of the guy. Self-defense became self-harm. I don't know to learn to say no cause I keep trying to but I can't make myself do it and always give in eventually. I freeze up, lose my words and agree instead, or am vague and scared and then agree. It's not good.
Well what are my issues with this particular guy then? He gives me extremely intense stalker vibes. Like first he was very persistent on qruiser when I didn't respond, then he basically "doxxed" me and found my cell phone number which he texted me to, then now he won't stop texting me for even an hour. I swear he sends me at least one (but up to 8) texts per hour. Mostly I ignore them or give short answers seldom. And he's been very persistent and creepy about wanting to be in a relationship with me. Like we seriously didn't even know of each other's existence a week ago and barely know anything about each other, but he keeps talking about how much he wants to be in a relationship, moving in together, having kids together, yeah am I getting the point across? He's completely unreasonable and high stalker factor here.
I think actually meeting him and having sex with him in my own home could put me in danger. I don't think he'd want to let go quickly if I do that, and giving him my adress and access to my home could be a very bad move. I'm not sure he'd let go quickly even if I don't, and actually abort the mission instead. He's seriously giving me the creeps and I think I have good reason to be worried about his intentions, even though I could of course also be wrong about my fears and he might just be very socially inept but harmless. Well, my gut is telling me this is dangerous and I should not do it. My intellect tells me the same and in this moment even my pussy is having doubts about him. Like I'm not even getting horny at all thinking about meeting him anymore. Those are some pretty clear signs and red flags my body is giving me. I don't know if I think he'd actually physically hurt me, but he does seem to be very psychologically... demanding. Like he's not respecting my boundaries or personal space much at all. I even told him that I didn't want to chat constantly but he completely ignored that. That alone raised my suspicions.
Well I guess I'm just gonna have to hope I can get him to back off if I can manage to cancel this meeting, or I might have to look into getting a restraining order and/or change my phone number. Yikes, these are the dark sides to internet hookups... Cause you have literally no idea when you might hook up with someone actually dangerous.
Is there a higher risk of straight guys being like this? Dangerous, I mean. Yeah, in the sense that there are many more straight guys than there are bi and gay guys, percentually the vast majority of dangerous men are straight, logically. But I mean... am I in bigger danger as a woman than I was as a man, looking for male hookups? Perhaps I am cause there is another factor to it: that I get a lot more attention from men on those sites as a woman than I ever did as a man. About 4 or 5 times as much attention, if not more. That, in and of itself, inevitably increases the risk. Well, perhaps don't be surprised if I end up raped and murdered while wearing next to nothing in a ditch somewhere at some point... I've lived a tragic life, so I don't suppose my death will be any less tragic. It will likely be the cherry on top of that miserable cake I called life.
That doesn't bother me though. I think the dead likely don't care much about how they died. It's the ones they left behind that care about how their loved ones died. But it doesn't really matter to me how or when exactly I'll die, as long as my mind is still functioning at least until close to death-moment.
But anyhow, this got a little too dark. Sorry about that. I digressed. I don't think this particular hookup would kill me and dump me in a ditch. But I do fear he might get obsessive with me and contact me constantly and possibly even act as though we're in a relationship together and get jealous and keep pushing me about moving in together and getting babies and just... well, that should be enough of a reason. I mean, I think that's enough reason to be worried about meeting him, even though I don't fear for my life per se. Getting killed by a hookup would suck really bad, but getting a stalker on my hands would also fucking suck. I don't think he would kill me, I really don't. Although it's possible he might get threatening and/or abusive. And well, that scares me too.
The dark side of hookup culture is definitely accidentally hooking up with stalkers, rapists, killers, etc. I'm gonna really have to learn to say no when I get bad vibes like this, but I just don't know how? Usually if there's someone I'm not interested in or feel iffy about I just ignore them. But this guy I couldn't ignore cause he got my number and wouldn't stop texting. He doesn't seem to understand that he crossed a line with that, and I can't seem to convey that he did. I don't know how to stand up for myself about such things and how to not back down when being given a crappy explanation or no explanation at all. But I do fully understand it's a totally bad thing to just keep saying yes even when I don't want it for the sake of it not turning into rape or being talked into meeting up after having said no. That I'd rather hurt myself than being hurt by others. That I'd take the fall for them. And it's damaging me. Or, I'm pretty sure that does damage me in some way.
Cause it's like I break my own trust in myself, kinda. Like going against my gut feeling and forcing myself to have sex with guys I don't want to have sex with because I can't say no to them. That's almost like self-rape too. And that is me breaching my own boundaries. I don't think many people understand how much it fucks you up to let someone you're really not into feel you up and fuck your holes when you'd rather just run away, simply cause you can't say no. And for what? Isn't it just as bad to be hurt by someone else as it is to hurt yourself, in the same manner and degree? I don't know. It could actually be worse. To betray yourself instead of being hurt by someone random. Cause who should you be able to trust, if not yourself? Well I really can't trust myself. At all. I'm a hazard to myself. There's nothing I can trust myself to not do.
I don't know if that's an aspect of my sex addiction or really just a distorted aspect of hyper-vigilance due to the trauma. I mean distorted in the sense that it derives from hyper-vigilance as a form of self-defense, but is more of a self-fulfilling prophecy in which I achieve the very thing I'm trying to avoid: getting hurt. That it's sexual as well as compulsive, makes it kinda overlap with my sex addiction or be an aspect of that too. I can't quite tell them apart.
I kinda think less of myself for that sex addiction now though. And it's sexist. Cause as a man I thought it was almost kinda normal, in a way. Like guys are naturally more sexual and more often into casual sex and such. Like I was still clearly extra with my sexuality even for a guy... but now? As a woman I'm completely and utterly crazy with my sexual ways compared to other women on average, like it's not normal even in the slightest sense. That as a woman my sex addiction and sexual behaviours are clearly outrageous. And that perspective kinda weighs on me a bit. It's both because of societal norms and simply biology.
I mean, according to nature (applies to most mammals) females are hardwired to be protective of their pussies to avoid getting pregnant too often and with bad mates, while males are hardwired to want to spread their seeds everywhere to get their genes going and knock up as many females as possible. And society enforces that by saying women should "keep their legs closed" and men get praised for being more sexually active. It is a stereotype, but it is based on biology and natural breeding habits that apply to many more species than just humans. So it's not really sexist, but I'm sure it comes across like that for some people (who are probably not reading this). And so, my sexuality going beyond the opposite to what my nature says and giving my female ass the sexual behaviour of an extreme male... kinda messes with me a little bit.
But at the same time I don't want for it to be any different. I like being this overly sexual, unemotional about it and fucking hookups. In fact I wish for it to stay the same after I've gone off testo. But likely it won't. I just wish I could keep at least half of my current libido. I think I'd be miserable if it drops to zero again. But maybe it won't go down all that much actually, considering this kind of "effect" to get from solely testo, is kinda rare. I mean likely it's not only testo that makes me this intensely sexual. But we'll see, I guess.
That is basically the only thing about testo that I want to keep exactly how it currently already is. Yeah, and my fat distribution. But that's not enough to make me want to stay on it.
I still have one more day to try to make myself cancel this meeting with this guy, and the sooner the better. Cause fuck me sideways if I don't, huh?
Thursday, 12 July 2018
The pain and the relief of detransitioning
July 11th.
Okay I absolutely hated being at the job training place today. No one said or did anything bad, but I just felt and still feel... so incredibly broken. Like I'm trying to reclaim something that is lost and invisible, scrambling for dead remains in an old grave, that don't look like they should anymore. I hurt a lot, like it's ravaging within me. I miss my old self so bad I don't know what to do. I've had a more or less constant stomach pain this entire week since discovering I'm not trans. Like a concentrated lump of pain for everything I've lost. It feels like all those years of me as a guy I was living a lie. And I used to think it was girl me that was the lie. Seeing now it was actually the reverse... it hurts like fucking hell. Like I betrayed myself deeply and I didn't even know it. In fact I thought I had saved myself, when in reality I ruined myself. And trying to reconnect with myself and that choice I made... it's tearing up massive wounds.
It's starting to already really sink in deep now... like a knife that cuts me open... what the fuck I've done to myself. Going on testosterone was a big step in the wrong direction, and I took it so lightly. Now I have to live with the consequences. Having top surgery was an even bigger step in the same wrong direction. Now it's nearly tearing me apart. I've lost something precious and I can't find it. It's lost forever, and I'm too broken to mourn it. I'm just sitting here, still, like a silent echo unable to react at all. I miss my hairless face and barely fuzzy body, and I miss my boobs so fucking much it physically hurts. I fumble for them but can't find them. The flatness that meets my cupping hands feels like a gaping hole where I once had what I couldn't love. I couldn't love my breasts cause of how others handled them, so I wanted them gone so they could never be touched again. Now it aches in me that no one can touch them.
Cause it was the exact same about my pussy. I couldn't love it cause of how others had handled it, so I wanted it gone. But I managed to snap back and see the truth behind that pain, several months ago now. I snapped back hard and fell in love with my pussy like never before. So now I know, painfully... that I could have done the same about my boobs. If only I had. But instead I had them carved away from my body, forever. Fuck. At least I didn't actually do that to my pussy. I would not have hesitated to end my life if I had done that before getting this realisation. Cause now, even though I'm distressed out of my mind about all of this... being able to at least hold on to my pussy, the realness of it and what it means to me is a huge comfort.
Knowing now I should have removed my fears and disgust by working through my trauma so that I could have learned to love my breasts, instead of removing them. They were pretty, before I started binding. Very round and perky. They had a perfect shape that almost looked fake but were perfectly natural. Now I miss the feeling of squeezing them together with my arms, cupping them with my hands, feeling them squish towards my ribs when hugging someone I like, feeling someone else's hands gently cup around them... fuck, I want them back. And that pain in my chest sinks to my stomach. Why did I do it? Why did I get them removed? Why...?
I remember all the anxiety I felt that one month right before the surgery. It felt as though my subconscious was screaming violently at me, but I thought it was just me being nervous. I had never had any sort of surgery before, so I thought my reaction was related to that, and my fear of dying during the operation. That wasn't normal nerves though. I was panicking. Literally constantly for a month. I took so many sedative meds, like 5-6 times per day, it was insane. The meds barely even took the edge off of how I felt. Like I was starting to throw up my soul. That was far beyond normal amounts of anxiety, and far beyond normal surgery woes. That was pure, rampant panic. I think it was my subconscious trying to tell me to not do it, but I didn't listen. Oh why didn't I fucking listen?!
I'm not really angry at myself. I'm just so fucking sad over this situation, like I just wanna cry but I can't. Perhaps if I'd go off testo I could actually cry again. Maybe now I want to. I need to get it out of my head that crying=weakness but it's a deeply learned belief since my childhood cause of my bullies, so it won't be easy to unlearn it. But maybe now I actually want to be able to cry more easily, and get in touch with my emotions again. The stoic-ness that testo gave me might have been good and a huge relief up until now, but maybe I need and do want to get that softness of my mind on estrogen back. Maybe I miss that too.
I'll be going to that gyno tomorrow and plan on bringing up the question of contraception methods as well as getting the other stuff done. My thought about getting some birth control stuff is not only avoid pregnancies, but also have something that could keep away my periods or at least make them less intense, if or when I'll go off from testo. Then I'd have one less thing to worry about in terms of that. But I'm guessing it has to be a birth control that doesn't contain estrogen so that it's compatible with my high levels of testosterone, I mean if having high levels of both would be bad. If not, I wouldn't mind it. Then maybe that could help as a slightly faster shift from testo to estro, but I don't suppose it could actually lower my testo levels. But at this damn rate I won't be able to reach female levels of testo before Christmas, and that's not an exaggeration. Cause if I'll just do nothing from here on, the levels will still be within healthy male range at least until October. And then for them to go down all the way to healthy female range... I don't think it's unrealistic that would take yet another 3 months, if not more. Now the only thing I don't want back is wider hips and bigger ass/thighs. I guess I'd really have to try to save up money for a liposuction then.
And I also really would like to look into doing something about this beard growth and excess hair on my upper body. Laser doesn't actually remove all of it, but more so thins it out a lot, so that could be an option to look into, eventually. More so than electrolysis, I mean, which does remove everything and is pretty damn intense hair removal. Like it really burns the hair follicles and as far as I've heard, hurts really bad and can cause burn wounds and even permanent scarring. So I'd at least want to thin out my face fluff cause it's really really intense, dark and grows fast. It's stressing me the fuck out that I can't hide it without caking on makeup. Can I wear a paper bag over my head when I go swimming so no one gets to see my fucking beard shadow?
I wouldn't mind a litttle bit of shaving. Like how it is on my cheeks and upper lip is thin and sparse enough to come off easily and doesn't leave a shadow. I'd be fine with it being like that on the rest of my beard area as well. The worst areas now are side burns, chin, along the jawline and the whole underside of my jaw. Those leave a clearly bluish shadow and get stubbly quickly after shaving. So those areas I'd focus on getting lasered then.
The rest of the hair on my body I can more easily manage by just shaving once or twice a week. Chest hair I'd like to get rid of though, cause it's very dark against almost paper white skin so it shows even when it's newly shaven, and that bothers me. Same with my stomach hair but I'm not often showing that body part when out and about. Don't know if waxing would be better, for everything below my neck, I mean. So I want that lasered too, chest and stomach, I mean. Legs are much more managable, grows slower and are a lot lighter shade of brown. My arms got a little more hairy from the testo, but very little and they don't look all that masculine. Many women have about the same amount of arm hair as I do, some have more. So I actually leave my arm hair as it is. Ass crack hair is annoying as fuck, but I'm not sure if it could be reasonable to get that lasered or just weird. Not that I'd care, but still. As far as I know, my back is still hairless, except from very few stray hairs on my upper back and shoulders, so that requires very minimal grooming.
More and more I do want to get implants to get a new pair of tits. In my mind I imagine that my now top surgery scars could likely end up hidden under new boobs. When I think about getting new ones, it soothes and calms me with a warming, comforting feeling. I'd really like that, and I think it would be immensely comforting to have that kind of body part again. I don't care if they'd look a little fake or "too round/perky" a little uneven or whatever. Although I'd try to get them as natural- and good-looking as a skilled surgeon could reasonably make them. Within reason, of course. I wouldn't nitpick. But yeah, I've been feeling the most comfortable with a bigger chest now, it feels more me and I think I look great with it. When it's big enough to show bumps even when wearing thicker jackets, but not so big it looks like I'm about to fall over from the weight of them.
Thinking about those things I can actually do in the future to make myself feel like my body is mine again, comforts me right now. Like there is some hope. And I still do like that I can choose my tit size by having surgery to get new ones, I wouldn't be stuck with an unsatisfyingly small B-cup but can pick any size I want. I'm sure I'd go with at least C-cup size, but likely a bit bigger than that. Like D or DD, I think would be great on my chest. I've always wanted big tits, except from when I blocked that wish out of my head for that wish to be a guy. It reminds me of that I used to stuff my push-up bras extra much, back in my teens. I could get such a great looking cleavage... I will be able to get that again, perhaps an even better looking one, with no need or wish to stuff my bras with heaps of padding, that they'd do fine just as they are in a form-pressed, supporting bra. Wonderful big boobs that I could embrace and have others embrace as well. A gentle hug that's always on my chest...
At that job training place... I don't know why I felt so sad and broken being there. One guy didn't recognise me and asked me if I was knew there, and I hated saying "I'm John" cause I thought it would be too confusing or weird if I said Laura, but I wanted to. Another guy didn't say anything but kept staring at me all the freaking time. That made me so uncomfortable, I felt like a drag show while I kept telling myself 'but I'm a cis girl...' as though my mind couldn't make sense of it. But other than that, no one said or did anything. Most of them didn't seem to care. I kinda wanted for them to mention it or ask about it so that I could clarify I'm really a girl and not in drag or crossdressing... but they didn't and now I'm thinking that's what they must think of me, it made me unable to focus on anything else during my 3 hours there. It just hurt so fucking bad. As though transitioning somehow made me into a bio guy and now I have to defend being a girl like I just can't... it's messed up. It's messing me up. I just wanna be me, for fuck's sake I'm so sick of all this gender chaos! I just wanna go back as though transitioning never happened.
July 12th.
I did mention to the gynecological ward (when I called to get an appointment) that I'm trans and legally male... I guess I might have to explain that now, going there looking like a woman later this morning. But I feel better about that though, cause then I won't possibly be seen as a guy in drag, cause I'm literally there to get my natural pussy checked on. It feels like I'm really holding on to the fact I have a pussy now. Like it's the only thing still female about my body now and I just feel so comforted by that it's still there, it's mine and I was born with it. And I feel good about taking good care of it too. Speaking of which, I'm writing down the word "latex" in big capital letters on my arm to remind myself of mentioning my allergy. Cause I forgot it for my last gyno visit and that wasn't nice at all. It hurt like a damn motherfucker! So, gonna want to avoid repeating that little mistake.
The gyno visit went fine. It was a kind woman who was easy to talk to, and it wasn't awkward or scary at all. All the swabbing and rubbing of my vag made me kinda sore in there though. Let me just say that getting the tiny opening in the cervix (that leads up to the uterus) swabbed with something that looked like a mascara brush was NOT comfortable. Ouch. But the speculum didn't hurt at all like it has in the past. I barely even felt it going in. But yeah, I don't know how many times she swabbed my insides with various items to test for everything, but something like 10 times? Maybe? She warned me that I might bleed a little afterwards.
About birth control stuff I told her I might want to go off testo and also had to inform her that testo is not a very good contraceptive. She said she wasn't sure what could work with me taking testo but thought maybe a spiral with only gestagen could work, but she needs to ask someone else about that to make sure. So she'll call me about it and if it could work, I'll get back to the gynecological ward and get it inserted. She showed me what it looks like and I just thought "aw, that's a cute, tiny little thing!" and then after the appointment I thought "please tell me that does not hurt like a living hell to get stuffed up into my uterus?!" but I'm sure I'd survive that too. Oh god, now I really don't want to wait 3 fucking months to get this damn testosterone out of me. Can I get it sucked out of my thigh muscle somehow?! Ugh, yeah whatever.
My mother said I dressed like a teen today though. I think I look like a trashy hooker, but maybe that's just me. I do have some 90's teen vibes to my look though, with a very tight (formerly) white denim zip up vest that looks a bit like a fake overbust corset without wiring that actually gives me a little bit of cleavage cause of pushing the tiny bit of chest fat I have towards the middle! It felt great seeing something like a cleavage on my chest. And then I matched that with a short kilt-inspired red/black/white checkered skirt, a black leather studded belt, black fake leather studded bracelets, my black leather waist bag and knee high black boots. As for my makeup I went more brown and burgundy today. Oh, and my mom so kindly told me I needed to shave... yeah, thanks! Nothing boosts my confidence like being told my stubble is showing through my makeup... just ugh.
Then we went shopping as well and I found sooo much clothes and shoes, belts and bags at one of the thrift stores in the city, like holy shit! That was two full bags of stuff! That store really had a lot of awesome looking things. I found several skirts, a few shirts/tops, a dress or two, some cardigans, a belt, three pairs of shoes, one bag... like yeah, that was quite a shopping spree and I had so much fun just finding more and more that looked awesome and fit! Almost everything in black, was just one shirt that was beige. Also a dress that's probably gonna be very large on me but I'm thinking wearing it with a belt at my waist it will look great. Correction: the dress is not too big, but is of my size and it's probably a shirt, not a dress, cause it very very barely covers my pussy when I'm bare underneath it. That turned me on.
Let's play the game of "is this a shirt or a dress?" alternatively "can this shirt be worn as a dress?" while not wearing any underwear... just for the thrill of it! I'm such an exhibitionist, seriously... it turns me on so bad thinking I might be seen naked, or just my genitals, or doing something sexual.
Oh one more thing, although it's just barely related to my detransititioning... I'm really starting to wonder if maybe I do like women anyway. Cause I'm starting to think that my "fading bisexuality" was actually just my growing contempt for women and femaleness, as it so conveniently coincided with my "feeling more male" phase last year. Cause now... as I'm starting to reconnect with my own femaleness and womanhood... women do seem kinda beautiful, and attractive again. So, did my sexuality really change or was it my perspective that did? In the car on my way back home after the trip to Visby today, I did kinda slipped into a fantasy about sex with another woman. I guess I kinda thought about that "male gyno" fantasy and then knowing the gyno I had was a woman, and a not too bad looking one at that... my mind kinda took me places! Like I thought I woundn't have minded her being inappropriate with me. And then now back at home again, I did kinda masturbate to the thought of being in a very hot threesome with a guy and a girl. In my mind I licked her pussy while he fucked mine. That made me cum really hard.
So... maybe I need to look into that about me possibly actually being bisexual again. Fuck I thought I was done debating my sexuality with myself, but apparently not. But it does make sense though. That me "hating" femaleness and womanhood cause of my trauma made me kinda "push away" my attraction to women. I remember I had a huge crush on a girl when I was 14. I was practically in love with her. Her name was Elena and she had long, very light blonde hair, bright blue eyes, kinda average curvy body and like she didn't look like a photo model or anything, and I barely even knew her at that church group where we met, but damn she made me really weak in my knees like I had never felt for a girl before. It was because of her I figured I was bisexual when I was 15, after reading an article about bi and gay girls in a teen magazine that I was subscribing to, thus learning the words for how I felt. I felt that me liking girls sexually and romantically was clearly gay.
Now, I'm almost kinda daring to explore in my mind what might constitute as "lesbian sex" as in me as a girl having sex with another girl. What that could be like and if it's possible I might actually want and be into that. And could I fall for a girl again? Well I've never said never, I never entirely closed that door even when I firmly called myself 'gay' as a guy. And I've always liked pussy, regardless. How much I drooled over my trans ex boyfriend's pussy, how incredibly beautiful and sexy it appeared to me, looks and feeling and scent and everything, yearning to feel its beauty against my tongue and lips, kinda has me thinking I would have absolutely loved it. So yeah, I definitely know I love pussy, my own and others', even though I've never... but one day I will, I'll make sure I won't die without that experience. Whether it's a trans guy or a cis girl or why not both? Time will tell, I hope.
Me, half a lesbian, half straight? Who would have thought. Well I once did, in my teens. But it's still weird for me to use the word "lesbian" in regards to myself even though i know I can't possibly be an actual lesbian due to my insanely strong attraction to men... but I mean, yeah you know what I mean. It's weird to think of myself as "WLW"* when I not even two weeks ago thought of myself as "MLM."* Also I hate to admit this because I know it's shitty, but it's something I really need to work on to change... my stupid idea that it's not really "sex" if there's no penetration. Which does exclude a lot of girl-on-girl sex in my mind as "doesn't count" which sucks. So okay, I'm real fucking sucker for getting penetrated, but I mean come on? I've had non-panatrative sex with guys as well! But that's the thing: it didn't feel like sex then. Felt more like petting or making out naked then. Like I need to get myself properly stuffed with something, whether a toy or a body part, for me to feel like it's actually sex. Or for me to do that on my partner, I guess. I could ignore that opinion of mine as a "gay guy" but I probably can't as a bi girl.
[In case explanation is needed. WLW: women loving women. MLM: men loving men. In the context of same gender attraction.]
Well maybe I could just say that sex is sex as long as there's some kind of genital contact between the people involved, but my prissy self is not gonna get satisfied without getting at least one of my two lower holes filled the fuck up, cause that's what I like the best and feel really good doing. Yeah I've been trying that thought for a while but it doesn't want to get stuck.
And no, this is not me trying to shoehorn myself back into the lgbt community... I've already promptly asked my stupid brain that question about this and I don't think that's what's going on here. It seems to be a genuine change of perspective due to what released within me when I discovered I'm not trans and connected with my womanhood. Cause what came along with that, was getting a little less misogynistic. That me starting to feel better about women as people, seems to be "re-awakening" my "former" bisexuality. I guess it just took a nap, or something! It ain't dead yet!
This might lead to an even stronger attraction to women that I have not felt before. So maybe I'll be chasing pussy as well as dick in not that long from now-ish. Somehow I feel better about possibly flirting with girls as a girl myself. I don't think I'd feel like a predator or creep as much then, even if I'd go bold and direct, and because my flirting methods have always been feminine. This does make a lot of sense to me, so it doesn't come as a surprise at all, that I seem to still be into women. I'm like "yeah, of course this is happening now, I should have expected it but guess I was just busy with other thoughts" kinda. And it's really not a big deal for me. Sure, I've had little to no sexual/intimate experiences with women, but I mean so what? I'm not that old, I'm sure that if I'd really want to, I could find someone to give me such experiences. But I've gotta admit though, I'll likely be more picky with women than I am with men. I know I have a pretty clear "type" when it comes to women. That small, ultra feminine type. Either blonde or ginger and softly feminine, or dark-haired and goth/alternative feminine. However I think I could open up some space for other types as well. Like other body types, at least.
So yeah, with women I'd be kinda "fem for fem" I guess! Which is funny to me now cause yeah, not even a few weeks ago I thought of myself as "masc for masc" as a gay guy...
Oh my god, why have I never told you!? I don't know why I keep forgetting it, but... maaaany years ago now (I was 15) I actually did have a date with a girl who was 17 at the time. She was Asian, sporty and kinda alternative butch. She made me a drawing of some random person's feet/legs wearing jeans and Converse shoes, and I'm sure I kept it somewhere, in a diary or drawing pad maybe. What was her name... Jane! That was it. She was bisexual and she found me on Qruiser. She was the first person I met from online, and I had completely forgotten about her.
Wow, my brain really sucks sometimes, to let me forget that it was Jane who was the first person I met from the internet, and not my rapist. It wasn't a very great date with her though, we didn't connect at all and we were both very distant and nervous. Also there was a language barrier that I was unaware of before we met. She wasn't very good at speaking Swedish and her English wasn't a whole lot better, but we managed to talk somewhat okay in Swenglish. Bear in mind that my own English was not nearly as good back then as it is now. I wasn't really fluent yet.
But I do remember her... at least a little. I can't recall what her face looked like anymore, I only vaguely think she might have been Korean, like that she told me that. And that I thought she was cute, but I didn't get any sparky feelings for her. Probably cause her personality clashed pretty hard with mine and communication was so difficult. We never talked or met up again after that date, so I guess we were both disappointed. That was one of those "almost could have been's" that got lost somewhere at the bottom of my endless piles of memories. That I suddenly recalled it now though... I wonder if that means something. That my mind dug it up for me, as though it said "here, how about a little blast from the past to get you thinking some more about reclaiming that bisexuality?" Thanks brain, for at least working properly on occasion.
So am I bi or not? The eternal question. Well, give me a (semi) hot girl who wants to fuck me and I'll tell you afterwards. Cause at this point, I think that's probably what it kinda takes for me to figure out if I'm really into women or not. But as far as I can tell from here, without ever having fucked a girl and only having my imagination to go by... I'd say it's likely I have some buried/stuffed away attraction to women, and since I'm definitely attracted to men, that would make me more or less bisexual. But I'm clearly no pansexual though, because I do care about what gender any potential mates are, and I'm clearly only really attracted to masculine men and possibly also feminine women. So I'd not be attracted to "people regardless of gender" but rather certain specific men and specific women and which one probably depending on my mood. Wow, please remind me to never get married...
If I can just fantasise about my detransitioning journey, similar to what I did say in that email, but on a much more positive perspective as in looking forward to that stuff and the results of it... although of course I have to take into consideration it will likely be a bit painful and frustrating as well... then what would I want to do and kind of in what order if I could choose that? I think I should go from least extreme and save the most intense stuff for last, if possible:
Well I'd like to stop taking testo first, and if I haven't already by then, go on a birth control of some kind to keep periods in check (just reduced but not eliminated would be good enough) and pregnancies away. And also get around to fixing a legal name change. Then I'd like to look into some laser hair removal. Cause as I said that's a little less intense than electrolysis and I think it would be a good start, and it might even be enough. Here in Sweden, trans women are usually recommended to start with laser and then do electrolysis later on if needed. I think that alone will make me feel much better and more relaxed about myself. Then I'm really hoping I could get scheduled for new tits sometime after or during that procedure. And also look into getting my legal gender marker changed back to female again, if possible. And of course keep checking in with a therapist to how I'm feeling about about "changing back" if it's going well or bad or whatever, and my mental health status in general.
That, I think, should be it and I think it would really help me feel good in my own skin, like the beautiful woman I know I still and actually am, somewhere inside. And I know it's what's inside that matters, but I really do feel like I need this "restoration" now, and I want whatever results I can envision in my mind. So have I decided to go off testo then? More or less, about 90% sure, I think. I'll contact my endo about it when I'm more certain.
Life feels strange, still. As though I'm seeing it through another window now. But I'm still in the same house. And I've been trying desperately my whole life to make that house into my home. It feels like when I still lived in the house I grew up in and hated living there. Ever since me and my family moved away from it... I've missed it a lot. Oh, by the way. I'm a girl in my nightly dreams now. Ever since my discovery. I don't think my brain has ever been that quick to catch on to my changes, whether physical or psychological.
That brings me to another feeling. I've only had two dreams in which I was a cis guy, and in the first of them I had... I was a 12 year old boy who was repeatedly raping his 9 year old sister. Suddenly, that dream speaks volumes about how intricately connected my gender issues are/were with my sexual trauma issues. That I thought I was a guy because of rape, pretty much. That I tried to remove my abused gendered traits... was most certainly the wrong move. My subconscious mind always knew, and tried to tell me about it... but I don't speak well in riddles.
Well, eventually I got the message. And I think me finding out I wanted to keep my pussy was the real start of it. Cause that wasn't just me liking to get my cunt fucked and not wanting SRS anymore. That was me literally aligning and spiritually connecting to the most female aspect of my body as though it aligned with my gender. It was the beginning of my awakening, cause ever since then, I started doubting my transness much more, and people around me started doubting it as well. But then it took a while before I dared to open that door in my mind. But now I stand on the other side of it, looking through a mirror. It's given me a very surreal feeling of what's going on. A little "Alice in Wonderland" effect to how I filter my world through my mind.
I keep switching between thinking "this isn't so bad" and feeling like I have a huge hole in my stomach of regret, sadness and pain for what I've put myself through. Like I just want to hold myself and tell her I'm so so so sorry, and I'll fix it, I'll make it better again somehow, that I'll do whatever I can and I won't give up. So I'm not mad, I'm sad and filled with a pain I can't even begin to fully understand. And I'm shocked. I still am, trying to make sense of it all, but fail to grasp it. I feel like a woman now and I love being a woman. I don't need to follow what society thinks a womn should be like, I'll be my own kind of woman.
Cause I can be anything I want to be as a woman. I can become a master of karate, I can be a professional whore, I can sleep around recklessly only thinking with my pussy, I can dress in super short skirts and have my (future) fake tits hanging halfway out of a too small shirt and wear layers of skanky makeup or drag around in jeans and a hoodie, I can burp in public and enter drinking contests with cis guys at some random bar, I can even use my over-priced stp dick when needing to pee outdoors and dumbfound everyone around me as to even how I can take a leak standing up as though it's no big deal what so ever, I can stay un-married and child-free forever and go to parties for a living and whore around for a passion, I can be strong and empowering, I can advocate for men's rights and rail on feminism, I can flirt with women and men and have sex with anyone of either gender who wants to, I can write and make art like I always have... My point is I can do anything I so damn well please, without taking society's expectations into count. I'm sweet and feminine but also wild and masculine. I'm fire and ice. I don't care about rules and expectations, I literally never have. Nothing's stopping me from doing what I want in life as a woman. Being a woman IS enough. And that took me damn long enough to figure out. But now I know and now I embrace it.
Okay I absolutely hated being at the job training place today. No one said or did anything bad, but I just felt and still feel... so incredibly broken. Like I'm trying to reclaim something that is lost and invisible, scrambling for dead remains in an old grave, that don't look like they should anymore. I hurt a lot, like it's ravaging within me. I miss my old self so bad I don't know what to do. I've had a more or less constant stomach pain this entire week since discovering I'm not trans. Like a concentrated lump of pain for everything I've lost. It feels like all those years of me as a guy I was living a lie. And I used to think it was girl me that was the lie. Seeing now it was actually the reverse... it hurts like fucking hell. Like I betrayed myself deeply and I didn't even know it. In fact I thought I had saved myself, when in reality I ruined myself. And trying to reconnect with myself and that choice I made... it's tearing up massive wounds.
It's starting to already really sink in deep now... like a knife that cuts me open... what the fuck I've done to myself. Going on testosterone was a big step in the wrong direction, and I took it so lightly. Now I have to live with the consequences. Having top surgery was an even bigger step in the same wrong direction. Now it's nearly tearing me apart. I've lost something precious and I can't find it. It's lost forever, and I'm too broken to mourn it. I'm just sitting here, still, like a silent echo unable to react at all. I miss my hairless face and barely fuzzy body, and I miss my boobs so fucking much it physically hurts. I fumble for them but can't find them. The flatness that meets my cupping hands feels like a gaping hole where I once had what I couldn't love. I couldn't love my breasts cause of how others handled them, so I wanted them gone so they could never be touched again. Now it aches in me that no one can touch them.
Cause it was the exact same about my pussy. I couldn't love it cause of how others had handled it, so I wanted it gone. But I managed to snap back and see the truth behind that pain, several months ago now. I snapped back hard and fell in love with my pussy like never before. So now I know, painfully... that I could have done the same about my boobs. If only I had. But instead I had them carved away from my body, forever. Fuck. At least I didn't actually do that to my pussy. I would not have hesitated to end my life if I had done that before getting this realisation. Cause now, even though I'm distressed out of my mind about all of this... being able to at least hold on to my pussy, the realness of it and what it means to me is a huge comfort.
Knowing now I should have removed my fears and disgust by working through my trauma so that I could have learned to love my breasts, instead of removing them. They were pretty, before I started binding. Very round and perky. They had a perfect shape that almost looked fake but were perfectly natural. Now I miss the feeling of squeezing them together with my arms, cupping them with my hands, feeling them squish towards my ribs when hugging someone I like, feeling someone else's hands gently cup around them... fuck, I want them back. And that pain in my chest sinks to my stomach. Why did I do it? Why did I get them removed? Why...?
I remember all the anxiety I felt that one month right before the surgery. It felt as though my subconscious was screaming violently at me, but I thought it was just me being nervous. I had never had any sort of surgery before, so I thought my reaction was related to that, and my fear of dying during the operation. That wasn't normal nerves though. I was panicking. Literally constantly for a month. I took so many sedative meds, like 5-6 times per day, it was insane. The meds barely even took the edge off of how I felt. Like I was starting to throw up my soul. That was far beyond normal amounts of anxiety, and far beyond normal surgery woes. That was pure, rampant panic. I think it was my subconscious trying to tell me to not do it, but I didn't listen. Oh why didn't I fucking listen?!
I'm not really angry at myself. I'm just so fucking sad over this situation, like I just wanna cry but I can't. Perhaps if I'd go off testo I could actually cry again. Maybe now I want to. I need to get it out of my head that crying=weakness but it's a deeply learned belief since my childhood cause of my bullies, so it won't be easy to unlearn it. But maybe now I actually want to be able to cry more easily, and get in touch with my emotions again. The stoic-ness that testo gave me might have been good and a huge relief up until now, but maybe I need and do want to get that softness of my mind on estrogen back. Maybe I miss that too.
I'll be going to that gyno tomorrow and plan on bringing up the question of contraception methods as well as getting the other stuff done. My thought about getting some birth control stuff is not only avoid pregnancies, but also have something that could keep away my periods or at least make them less intense, if or when I'll go off from testo. Then I'd have one less thing to worry about in terms of that. But I'm guessing it has to be a birth control that doesn't contain estrogen so that it's compatible with my high levels of testosterone, I mean if having high levels of both would be bad. If not, I wouldn't mind it. Then maybe that could help as a slightly faster shift from testo to estro, but I don't suppose it could actually lower my testo levels. But at this damn rate I won't be able to reach female levels of testo before Christmas, and that's not an exaggeration. Cause if I'll just do nothing from here on, the levels will still be within healthy male range at least until October. And then for them to go down all the way to healthy female range... I don't think it's unrealistic that would take yet another 3 months, if not more. Now the only thing I don't want back is wider hips and bigger ass/thighs. I guess I'd really have to try to save up money for a liposuction then.
And I also really would like to look into doing something about this beard growth and excess hair on my upper body. Laser doesn't actually remove all of it, but more so thins it out a lot, so that could be an option to look into, eventually. More so than electrolysis, I mean, which does remove everything and is pretty damn intense hair removal. Like it really burns the hair follicles and as far as I've heard, hurts really bad and can cause burn wounds and even permanent scarring. So I'd at least want to thin out my face fluff cause it's really really intense, dark and grows fast. It's stressing me the fuck out that I can't hide it without caking on makeup. Can I wear a paper bag over my head when I go swimming so no one gets to see my fucking beard shadow?
I wouldn't mind a litttle bit of shaving. Like how it is on my cheeks and upper lip is thin and sparse enough to come off easily and doesn't leave a shadow. I'd be fine with it being like that on the rest of my beard area as well. The worst areas now are side burns, chin, along the jawline and the whole underside of my jaw. Those leave a clearly bluish shadow and get stubbly quickly after shaving. So those areas I'd focus on getting lasered then.
The rest of the hair on my body I can more easily manage by just shaving once or twice a week. Chest hair I'd like to get rid of though, cause it's very dark against almost paper white skin so it shows even when it's newly shaven, and that bothers me. Same with my stomach hair but I'm not often showing that body part when out and about. Don't know if waxing would be better, for everything below my neck, I mean. So I want that lasered too, chest and stomach, I mean. Legs are much more managable, grows slower and are a lot lighter shade of brown. My arms got a little more hairy from the testo, but very little and they don't look all that masculine. Many women have about the same amount of arm hair as I do, some have more. So I actually leave my arm hair as it is. Ass crack hair is annoying as fuck, but I'm not sure if it could be reasonable to get that lasered or just weird. Not that I'd care, but still. As far as I know, my back is still hairless, except from very few stray hairs on my upper back and shoulders, so that requires very minimal grooming.
More and more I do want to get implants to get a new pair of tits. In my mind I imagine that my now top surgery scars could likely end up hidden under new boobs. When I think about getting new ones, it soothes and calms me with a warming, comforting feeling. I'd really like that, and I think it would be immensely comforting to have that kind of body part again. I don't care if they'd look a little fake or "too round/perky" a little uneven or whatever. Although I'd try to get them as natural- and good-looking as a skilled surgeon could reasonably make them. Within reason, of course. I wouldn't nitpick. But yeah, I've been feeling the most comfortable with a bigger chest now, it feels more me and I think I look great with it. When it's big enough to show bumps even when wearing thicker jackets, but not so big it looks like I'm about to fall over from the weight of them.
Thinking about those things I can actually do in the future to make myself feel like my body is mine again, comforts me right now. Like there is some hope. And I still do like that I can choose my tit size by having surgery to get new ones, I wouldn't be stuck with an unsatisfyingly small B-cup but can pick any size I want. I'm sure I'd go with at least C-cup size, but likely a bit bigger than that. Like D or DD, I think would be great on my chest. I've always wanted big tits, except from when I blocked that wish out of my head for that wish to be a guy. It reminds me of that I used to stuff my push-up bras extra much, back in my teens. I could get such a great looking cleavage... I will be able to get that again, perhaps an even better looking one, with no need or wish to stuff my bras with heaps of padding, that they'd do fine just as they are in a form-pressed, supporting bra. Wonderful big boobs that I could embrace and have others embrace as well. A gentle hug that's always on my chest...
At that job training place... I don't know why I felt so sad and broken being there. One guy didn't recognise me and asked me if I was knew there, and I hated saying "I'm John" cause I thought it would be too confusing or weird if I said Laura, but I wanted to. Another guy didn't say anything but kept staring at me all the freaking time. That made me so uncomfortable, I felt like a drag show while I kept telling myself 'but I'm a cis girl...' as though my mind couldn't make sense of it. But other than that, no one said or did anything. Most of them didn't seem to care. I kinda wanted for them to mention it or ask about it so that I could clarify I'm really a girl and not in drag or crossdressing... but they didn't and now I'm thinking that's what they must think of me, it made me unable to focus on anything else during my 3 hours there. It just hurt so fucking bad. As though transitioning somehow made me into a bio guy and now I have to defend being a girl like I just can't... it's messed up. It's messing me up. I just wanna be me, for fuck's sake I'm so sick of all this gender chaos! I just wanna go back as though transitioning never happened.
July 12th.
I did mention to the gynecological ward (when I called to get an appointment) that I'm trans and legally male... I guess I might have to explain that now, going there looking like a woman later this morning. But I feel better about that though, cause then I won't possibly be seen as a guy in drag, cause I'm literally there to get my natural pussy checked on. It feels like I'm really holding on to the fact I have a pussy now. Like it's the only thing still female about my body now and I just feel so comforted by that it's still there, it's mine and I was born with it. And I feel good about taking good care of it too. Speaking of which, I'm writing down the word "latex" in big capital letters on my arm to remind myself of mentioning my allergy. Cause I forgot it for my last gyno visit and that wasn't nice at all. It hurt like a damn motherfucker! So, gonna want to avoid repeating that little mistake.
The gyno visit went fine. It was a kind woman who was easy to talk to, and it wasn't awkward or scary at all. All the swabbing and rubbing of my vag made me kinda sore in there though. Let me just say that getting the tiny opening in the cervix (that leads up to the uterus) swabbed with something that looked like a mascara brush was NOT comfortable. Ouch. But the speculum didn't hurt at all like it has in the past. I barely even felt it going in. But yeah, I don't know how many times she swabbed my insides with various items to test for everything, but something like 10 times? Maybe? She warned me that I might bleed a little afterwards.
About birth control stuff I told her I might want to go off testo and also had to inform her that testo is not a very good contraceptive. She said she wasn't sure what could work with me taking testo but thought maybe a spiral with only gestagen could work, but she needs to ask someone else about that to make sure. So she'll call me about it and if it could work, I'll get back to the gynecological ward and get it inserted. She showed me what it looks like and I just thought "aw, that's a cute, tiny little thing!" and then after the appointment I thought "please tell me that does not hurt like a living hell to get stuffed up into my uterus?!" but I'm sure I'd survive that too. Oh god, now I really don't want to wait 3 fucking months to get this damn testosterone out of me. Can I get it sucked out of my thigh muscle somehow?! Ugh, yeah whatever.
My mother said I dressed like a teen today though. I think I look like a trashy hooker, but maybe that's just me. I do have some 90's teen vibes to my look though, with a very tight (formerly) white denim zip up vest that looks a bit like a fake overbust corset without wiring that actually gives me a little bit of cleavage cause of pushing the tiny bit of chest fat I have towards the middle! It felt great seeing something like a cleavage on my chest. And then I matched that with a short kilt-inspired red/black/white checkered skirt, a black leather studded belt, black fake leather studded bracelets, my black leather waist bag and knee high black boots. As for my makeup I went more brown and burgundy today. Oh, and my mom so kindly told me I needed to shave... yeah, thanks! Nothing boosts my confidence like being told my stubble is showing through my makeup... just ugh.
Then we went shopping as well and I found sooo much clothes and shoes, belts and bags at one of the thrift stores in the city, like holy shit! That was two full bags of stuff! That store really had a lot of awesome looking things. I found several skirts, a few shirts/tops, a dress or two, some cardigans, a belt, three pairs of shoes, one bag... like yeah, that was quite a shopping spree and I had so much fun just finding more and more that looked awesome and fit! Almost everything in black, was just one shirt that was beige. Also a dress that's probably gonna be very large on me but I'm thinking wearing it with a belt at my waist it will look great. Correction: the dress is not too big, but is of my size and it's probably a shirt, not a dress, cause it very very barely covers my pussy when I'm bare underneath it. That turned me on.
Let's play the game of "is this a shirt or a dress?" alternatively "can this shirt be worn as a dress?" while not wearing any underwear... just for the thrill of it! I'm such an exhibitionist, seriously... it turns me on so bad thinking I might be seen naked, or just my genitals, or doing something sexual.
Oh one more thing, although it's just barely related to my detransititioning... I'm really starting to wonder if maybe I do like women anyway. Cause I'm starting to think that my "fading bisexuality" was actually just my growing contempt for women and femaleness, as it so conveniently coincided with my "feeling more male" phase last year. Cause now... as I'm starting to reconnect with my own femaleness and womanhood... women do seem kinda beautiful, and attractive again. So, did my sexuality really change or was it my perspective that did? In the car on my way back home after the trip to Visby today, I did kinda slipped into a fantasy about sex with another woman. I guess I kinda thought about that "male gyno" fantasy and then knowing the gyno I had was a woman, and a not too bad looking one at that... my mind kinda took me places! Like I thought I woundn't have minded her being inappropriate with me. And then now back at home again, I did kinda masturbate to the thought of being in a very hot threesome with a guy and a girl. In my mind I licked her pussy while he fucked mine. That made me cum really hard.
So... maybe I need to look into that about me possibly actually being bisexual again. Fuck I thought I was done debating my sexuality with myself, but apparently not. But it does make sense though. That me "hating" femaleness and womanhood cause of my trauma made me kinda "push away" my attraction to women. I remember I had a huge crush on a girl when I was 14. I was practically in love with her. Her name was Elena and she had long, very light blonde hair, bright blue eyes, kinda average curvy body and like she didn't look like a photo model or anything, and I barely even knew her at that church group where we met, but damn she made me really weak in my knees like I had never felt for a girl before. It was because of her I figured I was bisexual when I was 15, after reading an article about bi and gay girls in a teen magazine that I was subscribing to, thus learning the words for how I felt. I felt that me liking girls sexually and romantically was clearly gay.
Now, I'm almost kinda daring to explore in my mind what might constitute as "lesbian sex" as in me as a girl having sex with another girl. What that could be like and if it's possible I might actually want and be into that. And could I fall for a girl again? Well I've never said never, I never entirely closed that door even when I firmly called myself 'gay' as a guy. And I've always liked pussy, regardless. How much I drooled over my trans ex boyfriend's pussy, how incredibly beautiful and sexy it appeared to me, looks and feeling and scent and everything, yearning to feel its beauty against my tongue and lips, kinda has me thinking I would have absolutely loved it. So yeah, I definitely know I love pussy, my own and others', even though I've never... but one day I will, I'll make sure I won't die without that experience. Whether it's a trans guy or a cis girl or why not both? Time will tell, I hope.
Me, half a lesbian, half straight? Who would have thought. Well I once did, in my teens. But it's still weird for me to use the word "lesbian" in regards to myself even though i know I can't possibly be an actual lesbian due to my insanely strong attraction to men... but I mean, yeah you know what I mean. It's weird to think of myself as "WLW"* when I not even two weeks ago thought of myself as "MLM."* Also I hate to admit this because I know it's shitty, but it's something I really need to work on to change... my stupid idea that it's not really "sex" if there's no penetration. Which does exclude a lot of girl-on-girl sex in my mind as "doesn't count" which sucks. So okay, I'm real fucking sucker for getting penetrated, but I mean come on? I've had non-panatrative sex with guys as well! But that's the thing: it didn't feel like sex then. Felt more like petting or making out naked then. Like I need to get myself properly stuffed with something, whether a toy or a body part, for me to feel like it's actually sex. Or for me to do that on my partner, I guess. I could ignore that opinion of mine as a "gay guy" but I probably can't as a bi girl.
[In case explanation is needed. WLW: women loving women. MLM: men loving men. In the context of same gender attraction.]
Well maybe I could just say that sex is sex as long as there's some kind of genital contact between the people involved, but my prissy self is not gonna get satisfied without getting at least one of my two lower holes filled the fuck up, cause that's what I like the best and feel really good doing. Yeah I've been trying that thought for a while but it doesn't want to get stuck.
And no, this is not me trying to shoehorn myself back into the lgbt community... I've already promptly asked my stupid brain that question about this and I don't think that's what's going on here. It seems to be a genuine change of perspective due to what released within me when I discovered I'm not trans and connected with my womanhood. Cause what came along with that, was getting a little less misogynistic. That me starting to feel better about women as people, seems to be "re-awakening" my "former" bisexuality. I guess it just took a nap, or something! It ain't dead yet!
This might lead to an even stronger attraction to women that I have not felt before. So maybe I'll be chasing pussy as well as dick in not that long from now-ish. Somehow I feel better about possibly flirting with girls as a girl myself. I don't think I'd feel like a predator or creep as much then, even if I'd go bold and direct, and because my flirting methods have always been feminine. This does make a lot of sense to me, so it doesn't come as a surprise at all, that I seem to still be into women. I'm like "yeah, of course this is happening now, I should have expected it but guess I was just busy with other thoughts" kinda. And it's really not a big deal for me. Sure, I've had little to no sexual/intimate experiences with women, but I mean so what? I'm not that old, I'm sure that if I'd really want to, I could find someone to give me such experiences. But I've gotta admit though, I'll likely be more picky with women than I am with men. I know I have a pretty clear "type" when it comes to women. That small, ultra feminine type. Either blonde or ginger and softly feminine, or dark-haired and goth/alternative feminine. However I think I could open up some space for other types as well. Like other body types, at least.
So yeah, with women I'd be kinda "fem for fem" I guess! Which is funny to me now cause yeah, not even a few weeks ago I thought of myself as "masc for masc" as a gay guy...
Oh my god, why have I never told you!? I don't know why I keep forgetting it, but... maaaany years ago now (I was 15) I actually did have a date with a girl who was 17 at the time. She was Asian, sporty and kinda alternative butch. She made me a drawing of some random person's feet/legs wearing jeans and Converse shoes, and I'm sure I kept it somewhere, in a diary or drawing pad maybe. What was her name... Jane! That was it. She was bisexual and she found me on Qruiser. She was the first person I met from online, and I had completely forgotten about her.
Wow, my brain really sucks sometimes, to let me forget that it was Jane who was the first person I met from the internet, and not my rapist. It wasn't a very great date with her though, we didn't connect at all and we were both very distant and nervous. Also there was a language barrier that I was unaware of before we met. She wasn't very good at speaking Swedish and her English wasn't a whole lot better, but we managed to talk somewhat okay in Swenglish. Bear in mind that my own English was not nearly as good back then as it is now. I wasn't really fluent yet.
But I do remember her... at least a little. I can't recall what her face looked like anymore, I only vaguely think she might have been Korean, like that she told me that. And that I thought she was cute, but I didn't get any sparky feelings for her. Probably cause her personality clashed pretty hard with mine and communication was so difficult. We never talked or met up again after that date, so I guess we were both disappointed. That was one of those "almost could have been's" that got lost somewhere at the bottom of my endless piles of memories. That I suddenly recalled it now though... I wonder if that means something. That my mind dug it up for me, as though it said "here, how about a little blast from the past to get you thinking some more about reclaiming that bisexuality?" Thanks brain, for at least working properly on occasion.
So am I bi or not? The eternal question. Well, give me a (semi) hot girl who wants to fuck me and I'll tell you afterwards. Cause at this point, I think that's probably what it kinda takes for me to figure out if I'm really into women or not. But as far as I can tell from here, without ever having fucked a girl and only having my imagination to go by... I'd say it's likely I have some buried/stuffed away attraction to women, and since I'm definitely attracted to men, that would make me more or less bisexual. But I'm clearly no pansexual though, because I do care about what gender any potential mates are, and I'm clearly only really attracted to masculine men and possibly also feminine women. So I'd not be attracted to "people regardless of gender" but rather certain specific men and specific women and which one probably depending on my mood. Wow, please remind me to never get married...
If I can just fantasise about my detransitioning journey, similar to what I did say in that email, but on a much more positive perspective as in looking forward to that stuff and the results of it... although of course I have to take into consideration it will likely be a bit painful and frustrating as well... then what would I want to do and kind of in what order if I could choose that? I think I should go from least extreme and save the most intense stuff for last, if possible:
Well I'd like to stop taking testo first, and if I haven't already by then, go on a birth control of some kind to keep periods in check (just reduced but not eliminated would be good enough) and pregnancies away. And also get around to fixing a legal name change. Then I'd like to look into some laser hair removal. Cause as I said that's a little less intense than electrolysis and I think it would be a good start, and it might even be enough. Here in Sweden, trans women are usually recommended to start with laser and then do electrolysis later on if needed. I think that alone will make me feel much better and more relaxed about myself. Then I'm really hoping I could get scheduled for new tits sometime after or during that procedure. And also look into getting my legal gender marker changed back to female again, if possible. And of course keep checking in with a therapist to how I'm feeling about about "changing back" if it's going well or bad or whatever, and my mental health status in general.
That, I think, should be it and I think it would really help me feel good in my own skin, like the beautiful woman I know I still and actually am, somewhere inside. And I know it's what's inside that matters, but I really do feel like I need this "restoration" now, and I want whatever results I can envision in my mind. So have I decided to go off testo then? More or less, about 90% sure, I think. I'll contact my endo about it when I'm more certain.
Life feels strange, still. As though I'm seeing it through another window now. But I'm still in the same house. And I've been trying desperately my whole life to make that house into my home. It feels like when I still lived in the house I grew up in and hated living there. Ever since me and my family moved away from it... I've missed it a lot. Oh, by the way. I'm a girl in my nightly dreams now. Ever since my discovery. I don't think my brain has ever been that quick to catch on to my changes, whether physical or psychological.
That brings me to another feeling. I've only had two dreams in which I was a cis guy, and in the first of them I had... I was a 12 year old boy who was repeatedly raping his 9 year old sister. Suddenly, that dream speaks volumes about how intricately connected my gender issues are/were with my sexual trauma issues. That I thought I was a guy because of rape, pretty much. That I tried to remove my abused gendered traits... was most certainly the wrong move. My subconscious mind always knew, and tried to tell me about it... but I don't speak well in riddles.
Well, eventually I got the message. And I think me finding out I wanted to keep my pussy was the real start of it. Cause that wasn't just me liking to get my cunt fucked and not wanting SRS anymore. That was me literally aligning and spiritually connecting to the most female aspect of my body as though it aligned with my gender. It was the beginning of my awakening, cause ever since then, I started doubting my transness much more, and people around me started doubting it as well. But then it took a while before I dared to open that door in my mind. But now I stand on the other side of it, looking through a mirror. It's given me a very surreal feeling of what's going on. A little "Alice in Wonderland" effect to how I filter my world through my mind.
I keep switching between thinking "this isn't so bad" and feeling like I have a huge hole in my stomach of regret, sadness and pain for what I've put myself through. Like I just want to hold myself and tell her I'm so so so sorry, and I'll fix it, I'll make it better again somehow, that I'll do whatever I can and I won't give up. So I'm not mad, I'm sad and filled with a pain I can't even begin to fully understand. And I'm shocked. I still am, trying to make sense of it all, but fail to grasp it. I feel like a woman now and I love being a woman. I don't need to follow what society thinks a womn should be like, I'll be my own kind of woman.
Cause I can be anything I want to be as a woman. I can become a master of karate, I can be a professional whore, I can sleep around recklessly only thinking with my pussy, I can dress in super short skirts and have my (future) fake tits hanging halfway out of a too small shirt and wear layers of skanky makeup or drag around in jeans and a hoodie, I can burp in public and enter drinking contests with cis guys at some random bar, I can even use my over-priced stp dick when needing to pee outdoors and dumbfound everyone around me as to even how I can take a leak standing up as though it's no big deal what so ever, I can stay un-married and child-free forever and go to parties for a living and whore around for a passion, I can be strong and empowering, I can advocate for men's rights and rail on feminism, I can flirt with women and men and have sex with anyone of either gender who wants to, I can write and make art like I always have... My point is I can do anything I so damn well please, without taking society's expectations into count. I'm sweet and feminine but also wild and masculine. I'm fire and ice. I don't care about rules and expectations, I literally never have. Nothing's stopping me from doing what I want in life as a woman. Being a woman IS enough. And that took me damn long enough to figure out. But now I know and now I embrace it.
Thursday, 20 November 2014
They finally changed it
Woho! Got my new personal identity number in the mail today! It's got both a 7 and a 3 in it, I'm pleased. It ends with the same number as my old number, gotta be by chance. Wow, now I really am a man, even legally, I mean.
Maybe that's why I like odd numbers, it just struck me, because they're male? And I've been wondering half my life which one I'd eventually get. For your information, I got a 3. The number itself holds no specific value to me, it was just curiosity, but that is a good number, right? They say all good things comes in three's.
Now I have no idea what needs to be fixed according to my new number and legal gender, except that I need a new ID-card. Maybe something with the bank, hospital records/my medical chart, and what more it could possibly be. Yay! I'm so happy I finally got it changed! Okay, I just wanted to say that.
Maybe that's why I like odd numbers, it just struck me, because they're male? And I've been wondering half my life which one I'd eventually get. For your information, I got a 3. The number itself holds no specific value to me, it was just curiosity, but that is a good number, right? They say all good things comes in three's.
Now I have no idea what needs to be fixed according to my new number and legal gender, except that I need a new ID-card. Maybe something with the bank, hospital records/my medical chart, and what more it could possibly be. Yay! I'm so happy I finally got it changed! Okay, I just wanted to say that.
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