Oh fuck, I had somehow forgotten... what if I'm pregnant?! I never got myself tested since that guy I fucked came in me. That stalker guy whom I eventually ended up having sex with despite being creeped out by him. He came in my vag at least once, maybe it was twice. When even was that... one or two months ago? Er, no idea. Okay my older blog post about that event tells me that was August 12th, which is a little over 5 weeks ago.
That could maybe possibly explain my weird stomach pains and possibly my extreme cravings for cake and chocolate. But I mean of course it's not likely... right? Like maybe I would have noticed more symptoms if I'm really 5 weeks pregnant? Like I've gotten no morning sickness, but then not everyone does. And uh okay according to google that wouldn't likely happen before week 6 anyhow. However I've been kinda bloated... I did notice a week or so ago that my stomach does look a bit bigger than normally, which I thought was weird, cause I've not gotten bigger anywhere else... which is not normal for how fat usually adds onto my body when I gain weight. It usually only goes onto my thighs/ass. And I rarely ever get bloated.
I did look up symptoms for week 5 and I only have about half of those. 2 of them I can't get, which are missed period and breast changes. But the ones I do recognise myself in are food cravings, constipation (but this happens rather frequently for me anyway), abdominal cramps, bloating, lightheadedness, and some more fatigue than usual. Okay I'm getting really fucking angsty and nauseous from reading that website. Ugh.
But this is making me seriously worried... Even though I know it's unlikely cause of the testo, it could still be possible. Testosterone is not a birth control. I should probably at least just fucking try to remember buying some pregnancy tests from the pharmacy just to still my worries about it if not else. While also trying to be mentally prepared for the worst. And for the panic that would likely ensure if those tests would somehow show positive.
I can feel it twisting and turning in my stomach just thinking about the possibility of something like a tiny baby growing in me... and ugh just writing that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. And Anna asks me: "What would you do with it if you're pregnant?" and all I could say was: "Please don't ask me that." So apparently I'm still battling with that. Perhaps I am not entirely sure if I might want a kid or not, and the thought of maybe having to choose... kinda terrifies me.
If I'd want a kid though, I likely wouldn't mind carrying it myself or even giving birth. I wouldn't be dysphoric about it, and it could be a rather beautiful experience. Yeah birthing would be painful, duh, but also so what. But right now I'm kinda panicking about it cause I'm so fucking unprepared and the timing couldn't possibly be worse, and because I don't know if I'd wanna keep it or not. Also I wouldn't be able to do it in a very healthy way, and so I'd worry about the kid being born wrong. Like with birth defects and what not. Like no way I could stay away from cigarettes for 9 freaking months, or from coffee for that matter. And I likely wouldn't be able to eat more healthy or quit my medication that could very likely be harmful for a kid. And also, I've just quit testosterone. Even if I'm pregnant now it likely wouldn't survive the very high levels of that hormone that are still in my system, and my estrogen levels are also likely very low. If that's so, I'll likely get a miscarriage soon if I haven't already. That could also explain the random pains from my reproductive system that I've been getting lately... They're pretty intense pains. Like knife-sharp kinda intense. However if I'd get a miscarriage that would solve my problem of not wanting to make a decision. If my body would simply choose for me.
Yeah yeah I fucking get it. I should be more careful with my sexual escapades. Unless I really do want to plop out the kid of a total stranger who was a really annoying and kinda creepy guy. Well, depends on his medical history, I guess. But also, no I don't think that's the actually important thing to worry about in terms of that. I think the most important factor with that is: I would not be able to raise a kid alone. I can't even raise myself alone! Or a house plant! And also if I got a kid now (or 8 months from now), I'd be even more stuck on this island and even more dependent on my parents' support. And they really don't want grandkids. So just no. But ugh this scares me. I don't want to have to make that decision. Of standing there with a pregnancy with the only two options being: abortion or carrying it to term. But I also have to find out if that's what I'm stuck with, before it gets too late to even get it legally aborted or I'd be standing there with just one option. I think "too late" would be week 18. But for my own personal opinions on abortion, I'd morally and emotionally probably not be able to do it after week 10-ish. So I still have time, but not forever.
I don't know if I want a kid. Maybe I do. Despite everything I've said so far about me vehemently not wanting one. But it scares the living crap out of me regardless. Because now is simply not a good time, and I don't think I'd be a good mother, but also I'm probably not very fertile at all, plus ageing... if I am pregnant now, despite how unlikely it is... it might be the only chance I could get. So wasting that chance... I might not wanna do, despite this being a very bad timing for it. And I'm also scared I'd regret aborting it. That it would haunt me and I'd not be able to let go of that child that could have been. Then I don't know if I'd rather live with that, or let that child exist even if I'd end up not being able to take care of it properly, or if it could end up with birth defects. But then morally I think that would be very cruel to do to the kid. If it was someone else I'd call them selfish and irresponsible. But I would, for whatever it's worth, at least try to get healthier for a pregnancy then.
I do feel somewhat of a very latent yearning for kids, deep within my mind. But I don't know if that is just my biological inclination for simply being female and an adult so my brain telling me to reproduce; and not a true wish from my own heart, if raising a kid is something I actually want. I think I still, for the most part, don't want to allow myself a kid, because I'm scared I'd hurt it. Either during the pregnancy itself, or by neglect, or by being actually abusive. My temper is an issue, my lack of patience also. Like if the kid would scream a lot, I think I'd eventually just ignore it and drown out the noise with music in headphones. And letting it go around in dirty clothes cause I can't bring myself to do laundry. And feeding it with the same dirty bottle cause I can't bring myself to clean it. And scream and curse at the kid when it frustrates me or won't listen. That I might start treating it like an inanimate object that annoys me and forget that it's human. And forget about it for hours at a time cause I was listening to music or playing WoW and just in my own world. And it would also likely be so mentally demanding of me that I'd just either get a mental breakdown instantly or need to hand it over to someone else more often than not. Not exactly parenting 101.
And then that little practical issue about that I'd simply be physically unable to breastfeed, which would further reduce my chances of bonding with the kid. Also, notice how I keep referring to what could be my child as an "it" instead of "they" or "he/she"? I'm de-humanising it. So I might want a kid but would I really be able to care for, or emotionally connect to it, or even see it as a human being? I'm getting a headache just thinking about it...
I know I shouldn't worry about this now before even having found out if I'm knocked up or not. But I can't help that my head is spinning around it, and I think I just need to vent these thoughts. I've probably forgotten about it again soon. I'm not terribly upset about it. I'm mostly just... I dunno, slightly upset but more just confused, I think. I don't really know what I'm feeling. Some amount of fear, but it's not really all that intense. A longing and wanting that I don't want to admit to having. I know it's unlikely, but I think what actually spawns most of this fear is that some part of me... wants for me to be pregnant. And the other parts of me are attacking that hint of a wanting as though it is a virus. I don't want to want it. I don't want to accept wanting it. And this might also be why I've been having unprotected sex so carelessly, because on some level I do want a child to come out of it. Well, fuck.
So, this ranting and this fear has more to do with my sudden knowing of that on some level it seems I do want a kid, but I don't know how genuine that wish is or if it would be wise to let it ever have its way. But then of course I'm also kinda panicking about if I'm really pregnant already or not, as well as not quite understanding how I could literally forget about it. But if I am, just if and it's the biggest IF you can imagine... oh hell will be raised within me. Cause I'd then really struggle to make a decision whether to keep it or get rid of it. But let's take that fight then, if that's the case. There's really no use for me to worry about that right now. So, see this rant more as me venting my suddenly shifting point of view about parenthood in general. But that shift was caused by me thinking "What if I'm pregnant right now?" however. And I do still worry if I am. I'll try to get those damn pregnancy tests bought tomorrow. And if I could just stop squeezing my stomach to then panic about what could be growing in it, and repeat that every 5th minute, that would be awesome!
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