Under control

I felt my ribs while lying down in bed this morning. It was quite an amazing feeling. I got lost in counting them, too tired to really focus. Just ran my fingers across them, over and over in stroking motions. I had not lost any weight since last night, I ate too much and too late in the day, but I felt thinner.

I have a serious caffeine addiction nowadays. Usually I have 2 cups of coffee and 3-5 energy drinks. Sometimes tea as well. Because I barely eat, I need the caffeine to keep me going. I get very tired without my fix, cause I'm not getting enough energy from the food that I eat. Even though it's sort of healthy food. Lots of vegetables (well, percentage wise) lean meats, diary products. Nothing with a lot of carbs in it like rice, potatoes, pasta, bread and what not though.

So I lack in fibres, but I probably lack in everything else too. I just don't want to eat junk food cause it makes me hate myself even more. Knowing that what I eat is healthy makes me feel less horrible after eating it. But I had half a pancake yesterday. Nothing with it though, just salad.

I realised that if I'm gonna go through the whole package of pancakes that I bought, with one half every day, it will take me almost 3 weeks. So, now you know what I mean by not being able to finish something I buy before it reaches expiration date.

I don't really think about it as much anymore, how much work I put into counting calories. I always measure up in decilitres, table spoons or use the food scale. I keep a paper of important items' calorific values written down.

It's fairly simple to calculate it now. Except for salad, cause it's so many different ingredients that need to be weighed and calculated, it can take up to 30 minutes to just fix a salad for me.

Breakfast (11:00)
1 dl potion of cornflakes with ½ dl of yoghurt and 1/4 tbs sugar: 49 kcal.
1 cup of coffee with milk and artificial sweeteners: 8 kcal.

Lunch (14:00)
1 small chicken salad from the buffet: ~100 kcal.
1 energy drink: 5 kcal.
[½ glass of apple cider vinegar]

Dinner (18:00)
½ pancake with salad: 68
1 energy drink: 5 kcal.
[1 tablet multivitamin]
[½ glass of apple cider vinegar]

Late snack (20:30)
½ dl potion of cornflakes with ½ dl of yoghurt and 1/4 tbs sugar: 36 kcal.

Calories spent: 271.

That is my meal plan for today, excluding more energy drinks. I figured I have to eat something as late as possible to not go bananas and start emptying my cabinets, so that's what the late snack is about. I then have 29 calories left to spend on coffee, energy drinks, tea or whatever. It's very thought through, as you can probably tell. So this is my life now, and that is the severity of my obsession.

Just wanted to share it to let you see, just how far I've gone with this. And no, each meal does not make me full, I'm hungry basically all the time, but I just can't eat, not more than that. Because if I do, I'll hate myself for it. If I binge, I'll starve the next day. If I feel full, I'll cry myself to sleep. Cause if I lose control over my food intake, I feel like such an utter failure, almost as if I've committed a crime.

I abandoned the over exercising. Running just isn't for me, and I got afraid of gaining muscle mass which would make it harder to lose weight if I gain muscle weight. So now I just walk, 30 to 60 minutes a day and go to the gym once or twice a week for some cardio. I don't think I burn that much through the exercise alone, maybe a couple of hundred calories a day, but it's something. And it keeps me in shape, which is a bonus.

I walk rather fast now, I'm not the slothy slow me anymore. I also still keep up my circadian rhythm (01:00 to 9:00) cause it makes me feel better and more organised. My life is so chaotic and I try to gain control with my eating habits, it's like the only thing that I can control. At first I thought I couldn't, cause it was so damn hard, but now I know that I can. But mostly it's in control of me, and my control is slipping away. Soon, I won't be able to control what goes into my mouth, this illness will control it for me.

But maybe... maybe I look forward to just letting go. Letting go of my grip of reality and letting this control me. To just go with the flow of it, see where it leads me without fighting it. It scares me though. It feels a little like walking into a labyrinth and getting all the more lost for every turn I take. Soon when I look back to try and find my way back out, I'll be so lost in it that I just have to keep on walking even though I have no idea of where I'm heading. Maybe I've already gotten to that state, I really don't know anymore.