The real reason

"I held on to my eating disorder because I was so afraid that you would kill yourself." Yeah, maybe I'll say that in the future. Is it awful to announce such a truth? Would it only hurt him? But it is the truth and it will be in the future.

I need it as a coping mechanism because I can't deal with the extreme pain that my heart is going through when he's suicidal. I can't cope with that alone, so I found another way, or it found me perhaps. That by focusing on numbers, weight, calories, food, exercise I'm able to unfocus from that fear of him dying.

It's not his fault that I have gotten myself an eating disorder, that's no one's fault except maybe my own. And it's not his fault that I hold on to it either, that too is no one's fault.

It's saving me from an even darker darkness that is digging holes in my heart and soul. I know, just simply know, that I can't live without him. I would die too if he would. But maybe, just maybe I could hang on a little longer with this eating disorder, use it like a lifeline of sorts.

It's my desperate attempt to deal with the cruel reality. That I carry both my own and his suffering and it's just too much for me to bear. When I first got obsessed with my weight and food I instantly found comfort, an escape route from all that pain. That is my reason, why I'm not ready to recover, why I don't want to recover. The real reason.

But I'm scared to put it out here, scared that he will know, scared that he would take it the wrong way. I can't tell him upfront, that would be too dangerous. That I'm willingly messing up my life because I can't deal with... yeah, it's horrible. But I just love him so damn much and you have no idea how much that has been affecting me.

It's just my way of living, it's always been destructive and I just can't find healthy ways to deal with great despair and true misery. Can anyone?