Time will tell

I wonder... can't help but wonder how I suddenly turned eating disordered over night between the 15th and 16th of September. Over night I became obsessed with losing weight like never before and I haven't been able to let go since then. That's why I hope it's phase, a dangerous "diet" or something close to it. A way of living that will eventually pass and I'll be back to my old self again once I've reached my goal. I hope, but I don't believe.

I don't dare to, scared of losing control but it feels like I've already lost it now. I can't get over the fear of certain foods, the fear of gaining weight, how horrible I think my body looks, how utterly obsessed I am, how I feel hungry all the time but can't allow myself to eat or drink anything with "too much" calories. My fears of weight gain and calories are constantly rising a little more day by day until...

I don't know where I'm gonna end up. With a "fuck this shit" attitude around Christmas and be able to just bounce back to normal again a heartbeat, or in a hospital dangerously underweight and riddled with disordered eating so to the point of it threatening my pure survival. I know myself too well to know that there won't be a middle ground.

I've gone down to 57,6 kg now and that is almost 3 kg in 3 weeks. I've been fasting yesterday and today as well, nearly 40 hours without any kind of food, just coffee, tea, diet coke, water and energy drinks. And the result it gives me is anticipating, exciting and driving me to continue. I lost half a kilo over night and I'm just so excited to see what the scale is gonna show me tomorrow.

I'm losing both weight and my senses, I'm losing this game but I keep on playing. Like poker, I'm gambling with everything I have hoping to win the biggest reward ever: underweight. I'm also doing it to distract myself from other harsh things about reality, things that I can't even begin to think about without breaking apart. I don't want to tell you, because that means acknowledging it.

It's not really a horrible thing that's happened, nothing's changed really, but it tore my world apart, or it would have if I had not had my mind so completely filled to the brim with weight loss obsession and food anxiety. So I keep obsessing, for better or worse, but it's getting harder to hide it from my family, shrink and the crew.

They keep asking me about food and exercise and I lie. Don't know what else to do. They can't know, they'd try to stop me. And I don't know, but I think telling them the truth would somehow be me asking them for help to "recover" or whatever. I don't want that. I don't want to stop obsessing, I only want one thing right now and that is to get thin. I don't care what it costs, I'm getting there.

I will however, try to eat something tomorrow. If I've gone down to 57 kg flat, that is. If not I'll fast yet another day but that's it. On Sunday I'm gonna eat no matter what. I promise, and I always keep my promises. So you know I won't stop eating altogether. It's a myth, you know, that anorexics don't eat. They would all be dead if that was true, but "only" 20% of them die. I say "them" because I know that I'm not anorexic. I might be heading that way, I likely have EDNOS which is eating disorder not otherwise specified, but I'm not anorexic.

I'm just not gonna self diagnose myself with that. EDNOS is a better self diagnosis and most likely also true, but time will tell if it develops to anorexia, which is what I think and fear. And I won't be getting any help before then, before time has told me what's the verdict.

I'm sorry if I worry you, I just wanted to update you a little. I'm sticking to my goal of getting down to 50 kg by the end of November or beginning of December. I plan to stop then, but yeah. We'll just have to wait and see how that goes.