No way back

I'm done slipping into an eating disorder, I've landed on its ground face down and strapped down and there's no way back up.
I knew it when I just ate half a slice of toast a few hours ago and hated myself for it afterwards.
I knew it when I had a nightmare about being force fed the other night.
I knew it when I couldn't order and eat a pizza without breaking apart, heart racing, sweating, shaking, the whole lot, a few weeks ago.
I knew it when I stopped strength training exercises because I was afraid to gain muscle mass which would add weight.
I knew it when taking walks to burn calories became compulsive.
I knew it when I broke down crying and screaming cause I had gained a quarter of a pound over night.
I knew it when my body started showing signs of malnutrition and I didn't care, still had to eat less and fast more.
I knew it when I could no longer stop.