Maybe I'll look back at this time of my life and think I was crazy. Maybe I somehow get my life back on track again. Maybe... or maybe I'm lost in this now. Is it really crazy that I want to be underweight? I mean, we all look at thin models and say we want to look like them, don't we? And my point is that they are not exactly at a healthy weight. Or am I crazy to actually aim for that goal with all my will power and more?
My shrink told me weird things. Like this "thing" would not work because I would end up regaining all the weight again. I was like, how...? I'm not eating! I won't start eating normally again. People don't get that, and maybe it would be dangerous if I made them get that. Cause then they would really be worried.
Yeah, I told my shrink and she's gonna send a referral to the eating disorder psychiatric unit here in Visby. I was kinda shocked at that, I really thought she wouldn't believe me or just tell me to think about it some more until our next session or something. I wonder what will be of that. I haven't been able to let go.
If or when they will send an appointment for me. Would I smile or sink under the floor or perhaps a combination of both? I'm really scared I'll get an appointment too soon. I don't want it this month, preferably not until right before Christmas. It's only October but I so just wanna get to a lower weight first, before I'll have to tell my mother too... cause you know, she's gonna drive me there.
One hell of a mess it became... why did I have to open my mouth about it so quickly? Could have waited until the next session with my shrink. I wonder if she too will abandon me now. If she does, I'll get that fucking diagnosis, hang around long enough for it and then piss off from the psychiatry once and for all. Cause they can't help me if they keep abandoning me.
I'll keep taking my medications though, keep in touch with a doctor for that. But no more therapy. I'm not saying it's gonna happen. I just fear it, that she will leave me if I do end up with an eating disorder diagnosis and that is all what's on my mind and she won't be able to help me with any of that. So she would just transfer me to a new person instead. That, is when I will give up on the psychiatry once and for all. Never again.
Just saying what I think about a possible, not so far away future. I always keep my guard up in those buildings, letting them believe that I trust them, unless they up front ask me if I trust them, to which I coldly reply no. I have no reason to. It's the harsh truth, I have no fucking reason to trust them, I've never had.
But despite how much I expect them to turn their backs on me again, it still hurts me every time. I've just got too many fucking problems for one doctor to handle. I'm too much to handle for everyone but my mother. And everyone isn't my mother.
So if shit fucks up, I'll just say fuck that shit and be off on my own once again. Lost and delirious I'll continue down this destructive path which has no end. Whether I get help or not, there is still not gonna be an end to it. New things will keep on coming up while some of the old ones fades or stays. That's just my life.
I don't even want to get help for this. All I want is an expert opinion and then to be left alone. So if my shrink leaves me because of a possible eating disorder that I don't want help for... yeah, I guess you can imagine. Also, while writing this, I haven eaten for 4 days and I'm about to crumble.
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