Forever

It's a new day again and I haven't lost any weight since before I went to bed. Sigh, this is gonna take forever... Only liquid food now and nothing after 16:00 o'clock to make sure it gets fucking digested properly before going to bed. I believe that's why I'm not losing weight over the night, because I eat too fucking late.

I'm so sick and tired of not losing enough weight! It's been 2 and a half days into my fast and I've only lost 1 kg, I should have lost 1,5 kg at least. That's it, I'm not gonna have even liquid food. Just water and my caffeine based drinks. Yes it will be hard, yes it will hurt, but I don't care. All I care about is losing weight and I want to lose it fast.

Ugh... I could have woken up in a better mood. My weight really depresses me and it's like I'm falling apart every time the scale shows me a number above 54 kg no matter what I do. I just gotta get down to 53 I just gotta, just gotta, just gotta... I'm breaking apart, I can't plateau now, it's not fair. I won't be able to reach my goal in time if I can't get down to 52 kg by next Tuesday. That's a week and I have 2,5 kg left to go.

I don't even know how to tell people if or when it becomes official. Cause I want to tell people, I just don't know how. I'll most likely keep it to myself during school later though, to avoid being kicked out if possible. I don't know for sure if they even can kick me out for being too mentally ill. For possibly not having enough energy to be able to concentrate during the lessons. I don't know what to expect but it's possible that I won't be able to continue studying after a while, sadly.

Cause I do want to study, it's like I need it somehow. To have something to do, to meet new people. To not be stuck in my rut of utter boredom doing nothing all days, living without any kind of purpose except for losing weight and trying to get myself to finish my damn book that I haven't been able to even look at for weeks now. I just wanna try to give life a chance amidst all the chaos.