It is what I feared

My mother saw me today. I was just wearing jeans and t-shirt cause I was gonna have some blood tests done and I didn't want the nurse to have to shuffle her way through a gazillion layers of clothing to reach my arm. So my mother saw me and stated that she thought I was getting too thin. I was like "what? you kidding?" but was secretly happy inside. Like yay, I appear thin to someone! I'm fucked up...

But I'm not thin, don't understand why she said that. She wasn't giving out compliments, she was worried and told me to eat more fatty food. Like yeah, right... My disordered eating is starting to show and I suppose it scares me a little bit.

The scale told me that I only weigh 52,9 kg now. It's hard to believe, I can't believe that I weigh so little. And now I'm getting scared, cause I still think I look fat, almost having crossed the line to underweight.

I read somewhere that you don't have to have a BMI of less than 17 to be diagnosed with anorexia, that it's enough if you've lost more than 15% of your body weight. This last month I've lost 13% of it... so yeah, technically I could get that diagnosis, cause I'm gonna lose more before I get that appointment at the eating disorder unit.

Though it did shock me a little, my mother's reaction. I still didn't tell her though, but my guesses are that she's starting to suspect it now. I just can't understand how I can have dropped 3 kg over 48 hours. I'm getting a little shocked over the results of my own deeds. Of what I'm doing to myself, and how incredibly effective it is.

And then she talked about feeding me during Christmas... my god, it's so gonna break her when she finds out. But I'm worried about my father too, which I usually am not. I'm worried about hurting him too. Don't know how my sister's gonna react though. I just hope I can get to that evaluation to see if I truly have an eating disorder or not before Christmas. Now I hope for that, cause I need it as some kind of "proof" to the rest of my family.

No doubt about my mother, she's gonna believe in my words and my body that is literally getting thinner by the day. But I'm not so sure about my father and sister, they might not be so easily convinced.

I've lost 7 cm off my waist... okay maybe the number on the scale is correct then. But I have a hard time believing it, and grasp the concept that I'm only 3 kg away from 50 kg and I'm not nearly thin enough. It's close to devastating, cause it means... it means that I really do have an eating disorder.