The reality

My problem isn't my weight being too heavy, I know that. The problem is my mind tricking me to think that I'm too heavy and making me go nuts about losing that weight. That's what eating disorders are all about, what it does to your mind, and not getting enough nutrition is just gonna make it worse. I'm not stupid, I just choose to ignore that fact.

So my problem is that I'm too fat even though that isn't the actual problem. I've just gotta lose weight so that I can be thin and look good. Cause in my mind I am fat, even though others might not agree with me. I don't know, not many have seen me since I lost those last 5 kg since last time. I've lost 5 more kg since I saw my friends in Uppsala and Stockholm and the only one who's seen me since then is my mother. I hide in clothes cause it's so freaking cold.

That's typical for the illness too, that you get cold cause you're not eating enough. So it's around 5-10 Celsius degrees here now and I dress as if it was 10 degrees colder. My heater is up at max yet I'm freezing. I don't look forward to the winter coldness at all.

Another thing is that I will start losing hair after around 3 months. It's gonna start falling off due to malnutrition. Good thing I keep it short nowadays then, but it's probably not gonna look good.

I really don't look forward to my mother's and probably the rest of my family's comments by Christmas when I'll be visiting them and I'll only weigh 47 kg. I'll bring baggy clothes to hide in. Not that I think it could hide me that much, but still. Cause at that weight, I'll be close to just being skin and bones. Just the thought of that makes me smile.

With a BMI of 16,7 I should be considered thin even if I won't see it myself, right? But... for who will that goal be, if I won't be able to see it myself? It's like painting a picture with my eyes closed, for who is it to see? Hopefully, just so damn hopefully I'll be satisfied at that weight and just want to maintain it. But I know, I just know somewhere in my broken heart that I won't be able to stop.

I don't know what this month of restricting and fasting has done to my body. It sure passed by quickly, yet it feels like it's the longest month in my entire life. So much has happened, yet I haven't been doing anything at all. So much has changed. I'm not the same person anymore.