I just feel as though I should write more in my blog about my pathetic and kinda tragic life than I've done the past month. I dunno if you feel the same. I'm constantly pre-occupied with thoughts of food, weight and my poor body image. The numbers control me. Weight, calories, dates, sizes, measurements, counting, counting, counting. I've always been drawn to numbers, ever since I first learned how to count. But now... yep, it's gotten to the extreme.
Not much has happened, not much is happening, except that I try to steer up a diet containing only 300 calories a day and thinking out how to plan each week depending on how much weight I have to lose until next Tuesday. Tuesdays have become my goal days, when I need to be on a certain weight. Theoretically it's 1 kg less every week, but in reality it's a little harder to keep it that way. This week I had to lose 2 kg to stick to my schedule, and amazingly enough: I made it!
So now I'm down on 56,4 kg and need to be on 55 by Tuesday. Unless I gain weight again, I only have 1 and a half kilo to lose until then. I do "identify" myself as anorexic because I behave like one, but I don't yet have any kind of diagnosis and I know that I'm 1 BMI point too fat to get it. Yeah I'm at 19,8 in BMI right now and I think it's 18,5 where they cross the line for underweight. I want to be underweight, I still do. Now more than ever, actually.
It scares me sometimes, how I just seem to want to go down to a lower number all the time. I'm never pleased with the way my body looks. It scares me because I might never become pleased, I might never become thin enough. I still hold back with the self diagnosis, don't want to diagnose myself with something I might not have. Leave that up to the professionals instead.
It's with both fear and anticipation that I wait for the eating disorder psychiatric unit to give me an appointment. Hoping for it to take some time, yet eager to know what they will have to say. Either torn between getting a diagnosis or getting laughed at. Being accused for being a "wanarexic" because I don't want to seek treatment for it, or I don't know.
Why won't I seek treatment? Several reasons. Just how hard it seems to be, that I'm not done yet, and that I need to explore this new territory of my mind. I wanna see where it leads me, and that will hopefully be to a much thinner body. I wanna look good for myself, to wear the clothes I've always wanted to wear...
Speaking of clothes, I can wear skinny jeans now! I only have one pair and it's the only pair that fits me now. Everything else is too big. Still wear the same baggy shirts though, still trying to cover up fat and hide my gross hips. But my legs look alright, from about half my thighs down, and they appear thinner in tighter trousers.
I get colder all the time now, especially when I fast. I fasted for 4 days this week, and I'm gonna do it for another 2 days on Sunday and Monday. Fits quite fine cause I'm gonna have some blood tests taken on Monday morning which I need to fast for. Not for 48 hours of course, but details.
This is so frustrating and restraining, losing weight so fast and being so scared of gaining weight. I put a lot pressure on myself. A whole lot of pressure... and it's, pardon the pun, weighing me down. I feel accomplished when I manage to starve, and like shit when I eat. All those stupid online tests about eating disorders that I did before they all said like "maybe you're starting to get bad" I've now done again and they show sky high results. I don't know why I keep doing those, they're stupid.
I still haven't told my mother, I don't want her worried looks on me. I don't want her bringing up Christmas, I don't want to break her heart. I'll wait until I get that appointment at the eating disorder unit. But every day when we talk is just so hard, I don't know how much longer I can hide it for.
I tend to lean towards the online forum instead, the one that offers support to people with eating disorders, and I only almost realise how much I need it. I don't really have anyone to talk about it with, and not really anyone who understands or goes through the same or similar. It's like a sanctuary there, you can talk about anything ED-related and even though my infected computer fucks up that website badly, it's still my favourite site as of now.
It doesn't even compare to facebook or tumblr, and besides, my sister follows me on tumblr so I don't know just how open I can be there. I don't know if she's already told my mother even, about those ED-related posts I've made there. Well, they're gonna find out sooner or later anyway, and it would save me the trouble to tell them.
Sorry, I'm just rambling. I don't know how to sort this out, so I just ain't gonna. I still look forward to school by the way, and I hope this thing won't get in the way. That I will somehow be able to study on a chronically empty stomach and focus on those studies along side with my eating problems and everything else. We'll see how things will go.
So anyway, just wanted to tell you how things are going, and they're not going very good, are they? I'm rapidly falling apart and get worse by the day. I'm reluctant to help and would rather just continue to get worse until there's no going back. I don't think I can go back to how things were before now. I think I'm stuck already, but yep, only time will tell. I'll keep you posted.
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