I'm not well

I still want to believe that I'll snap out of it once I've reached my goal, but how sane am I when I think that 47 kg is a totally legit weight to wanna be at? It's 5 kg underweight at a BMI of 16,7. Those numbers just scream anorexia especially with my mental state... so yeah, I'm quite far gone already and as long as I think 47 is the perfect weight I can't be considered sane. But what the fuck do I care? If I'll honestly be happy at 47 kg, I don't give a rat's ass about what other people think.

But the problem is... if I really do have an eating disorder I won't be happy at 47 kg, I'd still think that I'm not thin enough. I've still put 45 as my limit, and hopefully I can stick to it. Oh well, I won't get that far quite that soon. But I want to be at 47 before Christmas. My mother is gonna hate me for it.

She's gonna try to force food into me when I spend my time with my family during the holiday until I freak out and demand her to drive me back home instead. And if she won't I'll either walk or take a bus. It's about 10 miles, could totally do it if I was desperate enough.

Cause if it comes to that point I'll just say fuck Christmas and everything else that includes food and my annoying family. I'll lash out like a teenager if I'll be treated like one because I'm behaving like one. No, but seriously, if they do try to force feed me they obviously don't know a daft about eating disorders or they don't take me seriously. I'm so scared though. I'm so scared it will have to come to that.

Cause it's not just the food that scares me, it's my own fucking family that has never taken me seriously in anything. Even if I do get diagnosed they will most likely still act like ignorant assholes. It's not even certain I will get diagnosed even this year, but hopefully... I can't stop thinking about it. I have no idea what to expect. I try to not keep my hopes up too high and my fears in check.

Cause I'm always, always afraid of not being taken seriously. In every god damn situation, especially with doctors and the like. I'm gonna try to be truthful, gonna try to sound reliable and maybe even allow some emotional responses for once. I think there will be, cause I've been acting pretty strange recently. I react in emotions whenever people tell me I'm thin or that I should eat more. I even act out sometimes. This is so damn real and it scares the shit out of me.