Standstill frustration

I just need to get down to 52 kg asap, I've lost my patience completely, and it's stressing me out. I'm not losing any weight. Days pass and nothing happens, just that I'm going crazier by the minute. It's been a rough day with loads of frustration mostly. Despite fasting for a whole day I haven't lost even 100 grams. It's beyond me, my frustration and anxiety are beyond me. I can't breathe, I can't think clear.

I want to fast for an entire week, but I don't know if I can go through with it, fasting for 7 or 8 days. I might collapse from it. I don't want to end up in a hospital but I don't want to be fat either. Maybe I'll give it a try and if I think things are going to hell I can let myself have a little bit of food before I collapse. I just want to reach underweight and I can't stand living in this ugly body.

I hate feeling so fat even though it seems I shouldn't. That my body image is so distorted now that I literally can't tell reality from imagination anymore. Cause obviously it appears that the reality I see is very different from the reality that others see. That freaks me out a little bit.

Do I want to get worse? You can hate me if you want, cause I'm gonna say yes to that question. Why? Cause I need to get thin and if that means getting sicker, so be it. And I know that means getting sicker. So sickness there is then. Lots and lots of sickness until there's nothing left of me or more likely until someone close to me has had enough and sends me off to the nearest hospital.

Sometimes I can feel that my upper arms have gotten quite small, or when I measure my hands around my legs they seem pretty slim. But when I look at everything at once all I can see is fat. I don't mean obese or anything, but close to how I looked on 65 kg, "normal" weight at a BMI of 23. That I've lost 10 kg since then I just can't see.

And it scares me cause when will I see a difference? That's the danger, cause I don't want to stop before I am, what I consider, thin enough. That's why underweight is not enough, cause somehow I think I look fat even though my scale and apparently also my mother say otherwise.

I've been ranting all day, but I'm gonna finish this soon. This obsession has consumed me so fast that I couldn't keep up. When did I lose control? I don't remember. It's become my world. Had a meeting with my endocrinologist this forenoon and I was so out of it, tired and starving that I just couldn't pay attention to what he was saying. I'm losing so much more than weight and my sanity. But it's worth it, it's bloody worth it.