I'm not pro-ana anymore, if that gives you any kind of solace. I don't want to be that way, but I can't escape it. All that matters to me is to get thin and that scares me. How obsessive I can be about a number on my scale. It terrifies me, it excites me, it taunts me. On how I don't think I'm pushing myself hard enough, how I need to be harder on myself to reach my goal by the time I want to have reached it. On how it makes me smile thinking about reaching my goal weight.
But it's pushing all my other thoughts away, even the good ones. Even the good ones. The ones about K, and some thoughts I can't tell you about. Things that makes my heart flutter and beat fast, things that make me smile because of how amazing they are. Even those are blocked out by this obsession. It truly is an obsession, unlike any other obsession I've ever had, it effects everything. Contaminating everything in my life. And nothing else matters just as much.
What about K? He's the love of my life and this illness pushes him away. Or at least it pushes my thoughts of him away. I try to take control over it, thinking about how amazing he is, how he's kept me alive for so long without even knowing it. I won't let anorexia become more important to me than he is. I just won't.
I love him more than anything, I still have him in the back of my mind at all times, still cling to his pictures, my memories of when we have met in person, every word he's said or written to me, his warming smile that tickles me, his beautiful eyes fixed on me. I can't let that go, he can't ever become less important than getting thin. He always needs to come first. Always, no matter what.
I've never been in love for this long and this hard ever before, he truly is special. I will never stop loving him, and that is more than just a promise. It's the ultimate truth. I miss him though, I miss him a lot, now that I can actually think of him for the first time in over a month. A month is but a glimpse for me, but this month, boy it's been long with all that's happened and is currently going on. I'm so busy with food, weight and exercise it's cramming in my brain. But he will always have a huge place in my heart and soul, even if he's not on my mind anymore one day.
But yeah, I miss him. I want to see him again in real life, but I know I won't be able to bribe my mother into letting me go to the main country again for a while. After all, she'd be paying unless I'll get unexpectedly rich all of a sudden. My book is on ice, frozen for the time being, cause I've been too busy getting an eating disorder and yeah.
I just want to hold him in my arms and never let go, want to look him in his eyes and smile while I'm blushing, cause I'm not afraid anymore. He knows now and I know. Yeah, I told him. I was drunk one night and managed to muster the courage, a few weeks ago. So seeing him again, I don't think it would be quite as hard, cause I really have no reason to hide my true feelings anymore. What was his reaction? Sorry, that's what I can't tell you. But it keeps me alive, he still does, no matter how it will turn out.
Because then I will know that I gave him my best shot, that I never gave up on him, or us, depending on how you see it. Cause if it all goes to hell, at least I tried, at least he will always know that I'll always love him no matter what. And if he doesn't know, I'll remind him again.
Cause even if he'll never love me, though there still is a possibility, I think him knowing that I do, will be good for him somehow. A little glimpse of light. For him to know that no matter what, he will always be beautiful in someone's eyes.
Is that sad? That now, more than ever, I will never be able to move on? I'll wait for him for the rest of my life, I'm perfectly patient yet I'm dying to know what's to come. It's exciting times and I don't think I've ever appreciated that before. Well, better late than never.
I'm having my last drink for tonight now, only 20 minutes to go and I'm not good at drinking fast. But I've had strong drinks to compensate, so I'm definitely tipsy now. Too bad I won't get truly drunk, should have started drinking earlier. But hopefully tonight, I'll be able to hold on to my thoughts of K, hold on to the one strong light in my life, my brightest shining star.
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