I'm fasting today because of my binge yesterday. No food today or tomorrow. I think a 2 days fast is reasonable. Then I'm going back to the 100 calories a day thing for 2 or 3 days before I'm fasting again to get down to 52 kg by Tuesday. Underweight! I'm gonna, just gonna be underweight by Tuesday!
It's been 6 weeks now since this insane battle began and I've lost barely 7 kg. Is that much for 6 weeks? It doesn't feel like much, but I did go from 61 kg to 54 kg. Though I have 7 more kg to lose before I reach my goal and though it's been an awfully tough month I do have twice as much more work ahead of me and I just keep making it harder by speeding it up. Fast more, eat less, exercise more. Instead of losing 1 kg per week as before, I'm opting for 2 kg per week but I'm also a little laid back to it if I won't reach my goal by the end of November.
Cause my goal is to be at 47 kg before Christmas so if I fail following my highly intense weight loss plan in time I do still have a few more weeks to make it right. Then it's the hard part: maintaining that weight or possibly lose more over Christmas...
That's the one holiday you're like doomed to fatten up during. Unless you're eating disordered. I managed to actually lose 5 kg during last Christmas without trying very hard, but I was at a higher weight and now I've wrecked my metabolism (most likely) so if I just have like 2 pieces of chocolate I'll gain.
We'll see how that will go. I imagine being super skinny when visiting my family, shocking my sister and father with my frail frame. And they would try to force me to eat, I'll flip out and threaten to walk back home to my apartment and they'll apologise and be kinder to me. But will I even be skinny enough on 47 kg? I don't know, I can't know and it's freaking me out sometimes.
It freaks me out cause what if I'm not and I'll have to lose even more to get the kind of physique that I'm aiming for? Maybe that's the real reason why I wanna reach that weight in November just to be sure. So that if I'm still not pleased I can lose a little more before Christmas, but taking it than I'm doing now. Maybe opting for losing 2 more kg during the following 4 weeks or something.
It's what I have in mind, but I don't know how it will actually turn out. Cause maybe I have to go all the way down to 40 kg to see enough bones and have thin enough thighs. If that's the case, I just have to aim for that after New Years Eve and continue my journey into 2015. Which I most likely will...
Cause who here thinks that I do have an eating disorder and that I can just choose to stop whenever I feel like I will be done? Cause with an eating disorder, you can't stop. It's a vicious circle and it can only end in one of two ways: recovery or death. But I will probably seek treatment sometime during 2015 when things get way out of hand (they're already out of hand) either on my own or being almost literally forced by my mother.
She can't force me, but she can however persuade me or talk me into it, eventually. I just want this right now, I want to reach that low weight and be on a very low weight for a while and I need this as a coping mechanism to simply stay alive. And anorexia won't kill me that fast. Yeah, when I reach my goal weight I will most likely actually have anorexia. And definitely if I still want to get thinner.
It's a matter of time but I wonder what will come first: extremely low underweight or that first meeting with the eating disorder clinic. It will probably take weeks and in that time I will continue to lose weight for my own winning. I only have 2 kg left to underweight and I'm sooo excited for it! You know it already though and I've gotta stop writing sometime soon now...
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