Tired of waiting

Why do I feel so fat? I can fit my hands around my legs, I use the tightest whole in my belt for the first time ever, my knees poke out, my collar bones show, my upper arms are almost as thin as my lower arms. I don't understand.

But it's not what I want, it's not enough. I want to be able to fit both my hands around my upper thighs, have a flat or even caving in stomach, ribs showing, hip bones showing. I wanna be so thin that people will gasp when they see me.

Cause I've never been thin. Not really, actually thin. I've been overweight, normal weight and on the lower side of normal weight but that's not even nearly enough. I want to be underweight, far beneath underweight. Lower than I ever thought was possible before.

I don't want to look like a skeleton, but close to. Even I have a limit to what is too thin. Even I. And I just want to achieve my goal. I don't even know what I will look like on 47 kg. Will it be enough, too much or too little? Will I be satisfied on that weight, or will I have become too addicted to losing weight to be able to stop? When will anorexia eat me up from the inside?

If I get anorexia, that is. I can't possibly know before I reach a BMI lower than 17 which is exactly 48 kg for me. It's only 6 kg away... If I do however, and if I still want to go lower, I'm pretty damn confident that I will get that diagnosis. God damn, I just want to know if I have an eating disorder! I can't stand this waiting and uncertainty!

And that's really what it's all about, why I'm looking forward to meeting at the eating disorder unit. I just want to know, that's all. But if they tell me that I don't, then I'll flip out. Cause I obviously do, unless they give me bloody good reasons for not diagnosing me. Like that it needs to have progressed over a certain time or whatever. Cause if I don't fit the weight criteria of anorexia nervosa, I can still get another type of eating disorder on paper while their lazy asses wait for me to get worse and thinner.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to become thinner because of a stupid diagnosis. I just know that I'm heading that way no matter what. And sooner or later I will get that diagnosis, whether I want to or not. It's just that waiting for that appointment takes fucking forever and my patience is wearing thin. I don't have much patience when it comes to anything these days. So tired of waiting, just so fucking tired of it.

It's like it's crawling underneath my skin, like bugs made of anxiety and eagerness. I breathe anticipation and fear. For what's to come, what awaits me in the nearest future. How I long for a slender body, love, school, and how I dread Christmas, hospitalisations, recovery. Everything circles around eating disorder and how it changed my whole life around. For better and worse. Always a bit of both.