Even in dreams

I dreamed about you, all night and all day. I slept for 16 hours because I couldn't stop dreaming about you. That's never happened before, I dreamed up a whole life with you in 16 hours while I was asleep. And I didn't want to wake up from it. Of course it was unrealistic, but we had moments that were fun, romantic, serious, we got children, we fought, we bought a house and sometime around there I woke up.

I can't recall everything from the dream, just glimpses and pieces. It must have been the longest dream I've ever had, even though I must have had some pauses of deep sleep here and there, but it always came back to continue the same dream. Isn't that odd? As if it could last forever.

Sleeping too much kinda fucked me up though. I'm shaking, it's hard to write and my head hurts. Can't really focus that well. I lose track of what I'm doing all the time. I'm trying to drink coffee and smoke my way back to the real world, but I can't stop thinking about the dream. The little toys in the work shop, the cupcakes that we made, when you stood up for me against some bullies, when I got jealous cause I thought you were cheating on me, when our child rode on your shoulders, the little trailer we lived in for a while, and so on.

And I'm getting drunk on Southern Comfort, though its sweetness is clinging to my throat in an uncomfortable way, it is a comfort. It's like I'm getting worse again and I can't stop it. Do I put like a lot of pressure on K, even though I'm not telling him that I crave him so much? Cause all of this, it's because I miss him, and I know that he's the only one that can save me. And despite what the old saying is, that no one can save you but yourself, it's not true, cause he really does save me.

And I do, hopelessly, believe that being with him, really being with him, would totally save me. Is that naive of me? I suppose it is, that my belief in real fairy tales is a bit wacky. And maybe that will someday ruin me. But I believe in him, I believe he is my soul mate, that we are connected on a deep level. And I think that's why I think he will save me, if he will ever be able to love me, that is.

Do you even think it's possible for me to make him fall in love with me? "Make" as in steer him in the right direction, let him see that I'm not just a mess and a failure, see the good sides of me as well, enough to let him know that I can be a good friend? Even loveable? That I charm him honesty and openness, I let him in, and even though I haven't told him absolutely everything, I let him know that I keep no secrets from him. If he asks me something, anything, I will truthfully answer. And I have so far.

Cause I doubt sometimes, thinking I'm just wasting his time and that all the effort I put in is just all for nothing. But also thinking that I will actually be surprised if he someday tells me I got it all wrong, that he's not even remotely interested and will never be. I'm scared of it, I fear it like nothing else. I'm so fucking scared that I don't think I'll be able to tell him my true intentions.

But also, I slowly get the sensation that I won't have to tell him. That things will happen when I see him in person and all my dreams will come true in a moment when we're alone together. A part of me actually believes that now, that it's possible. That it's not just wishful thinking, it can actually happen. Oh god, my dreams are killing me.

I've "known" him for over 4 years now, yet it's all so new to me. Like we didn't actually know each other until rather recently. So is he really an old or a new friend? I don't know, but I've certainly known who he is for a while now. I'm so obsessed this is actually harmful to me now. But what do I do about it? Obsess a little more...