Ghosts

Okay I don't know if my friend reads this, but they linked a website article about a shaman describing their religion's view on mental illness to the public on Facebook. In it it was explained that they believe mentally ill people are in contact with the spirit realm, beyond us and our perceived reality. I've always believed that too, even before I got to see/feel the presence of a lot of ghosts. I've always been sensitive, accepting of the idea of "more" beyond this reality ever since I was a child. *cough* (a psychotic child) *cough*

Though there are some things about it that doesn't quite fit it. Like how about my magic abilities? Is that also me connecting to the spirit realm, to my own gain? And also, myself aside, what about when spirits or entities tell other mentally ill people to harm themselves or others? Cause I have a hard time believing ghosts/spirits can be mean like that for no reason.

And a lot of Schizophrenics say the voices they hear are very critical of them, constantly commenting on negative things about them. I've read about that, it's not something I've made up, I promise. I've studied quite a lot about Schizophrenia and specifically about hearing voices. But also, studies aside, I've come to notice that some perceive their voices and hallucinations to be some form of spirits or ghosts.

So a lot of it points to the Shamans' belief to be considerable, yet I can't quite explain it all. But I do believe the visions and voices I get are from actual ghosts, cause in my case I think they are quite like such. Confusing, random, trying to get in contact with me in obscure ways almost to the point that I think they don't quite know how to get in contact with me.

When I was a kid, under 10 years old, I wanted to get in contact with ghosts. I wanted to help them, mostly, and also because I thought it would be cool. So you could probably say another one of my totally regretful wishes came true. Please be careful what you wish for, people, it can have dire consequences...

Anyhow, I think it is possible that I have gotten in contact with the spirit realm by now, that I'm somehow attuned enough to "let them in" or what to say cause this was hardly what I wanted. They scare the living shit out of me sometimes, and other times they're just confusing or even annoying. I upped Abilify because of this reason without telling anyone why, and this might sound strange, but I want to lower the dose again. I've thought it through.

I don't think this is the right way, I don't want to medicate this away. Besides, I miss hearing Satan. Quite obviously a hallucination, right? I don't care. Rather try to deal with it, get in contact with the ghosts instead of running scared away from them, if that makes any sense at all. I just want to understand and I think I'm strong enough to take it. Instead of telling them to leave me alone, I'm gonna ask them what they want. Taking pro tips from hollywood movies...

Seriously, can't help but thinking about "The sixth sense" about that boy who saw dead people. It's not quite like hollywood in my brain though. In hollywood movies the deal is like they see a huge fire almost to the point of it burning them, but all I see is a flickering flame in the corner of my eye. It's not quite visual for me, it's more of a strange feeling, and they play tricks on me. A slight change in the environment, in the atmosphere, strange sounds, cold winds, that kind of stuff.

Sometimes I get thrust into it deeper, as if I was pulled away somehow and it intensifies. The strange sounds in the wind becomes whispers, the coldness shifts between heat, the flickering in the corner of my eye becomes shadows stalking me. Vargyl, Satan and Anna talk a lot then. I think Anna too fears all this. I don't believe she is a ghost from the past, more likely that she is simply a part of me. That personality split thing, you know.

I have many things to deal with, much to put up with when it comes to mental illness. Just a little of this and that but together the symptoms add up to a total chaos. I've always said that I live in a dark chaos, almost to the point of my reality being a hell dimension or a living nightmare. I'm forced to be in it and I just want to figure out a way to live with it all. Not just the ghosts, but mainly they are my concern, since it's fairly new to me still. The hallucinations and delusions... they really tend to wear me out. Mostly because they're stressful and take up a lot of concentration.

I don't "feel" psychotic right now or for these last few weeks or so, but I still believe. I did some magic as recently as yesterday, for example. It was very windy, almost to the point of it being stormy, and I thought heck, why not try to do something about it? So I forcefully tried to stop the strong winds as I walked down to the grocery store. And it worked. Not like a charm perhaps, but it slowed down the winds to a tolerable level. I hope I didn't cause another hurricane or something in another country by doing so. It was a bit reckless and selfish thing to do.

I remembered that I could do that as a child, and also realised that I'm stronger now than ever, so it could work. But damn it drained me. I thought about "Buffy, the vampire slayer" the tv-show and especially Willow, whom was a witch in it. And it bothered me how very incorrect it was, like how could she perform such strong magic without getting totally drained? Getting stuck on the hollywood ideas of my own tacky delusions again...

I'm not that strong, I'm quite a mess only peeking out from my eternal darkness of damnation, of course I get drained from trying to stop a storm. I'm quite obsessed with changing my life right now. The weight loss, the transgender related stuff, my health, my acne, selling my soul to Satan for a perfect body and luck in love, and I try to empower my magic abilities. Still improving my language skills, drawing and writing like crazy. You could say that I'm pretty busy these days. I might not be able to go to School or hold a job, but I'm pretty sure I'm starting to get a hang of that thing about living and not just surviving.

So... where was I going with this? Oh yes, spirits and ghosts. I think I need to get in better contact with them. Not saying I will stop my medication entirely, cause I honestly don't think I would survive that, but to lower the dosage just a notch and try to be a bit more receptive to the world beyond that obviously wants something from me.

But wait a second, how can they be real if I can medicate them away? Simple, the medication makes me sort of develop a shell from my sensitivity and therefore making me less receptive to their presence. But I wanna get more receptive again, and maybe find out more about it. Try to not be so frightened and just give it a try. Bad idea? No, I think I'm ready. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? I'll just up the dosage again. They can't harm me anyways, only I can, and I won't. Promise.