Consequences

It was warm outside today, so I sat drawing in my yard for about an hour. Then I decided to go for a walk to the store as usual, but before then some beggar knocked on my door. Stating on a written note that they were deaf and carried something for sale. So I just shook my head and closed the door. Having serious doubts she's actually deaf and probably some cheap trick to earn money. She was way too well dressed for being so broke she had to knock on peoples doors to beg for money. Just saying.

If only I knew sign language, that would have been funny. I've been wanting to learn it actually. Not just for situations like that one. I think it's a beautiful language and I could walk around pretending that I'm deaf. No, kidding aside, it would be neat to learn it. You don't have to be deaf to learn it, you know. But maybe it's because I'm hearing impaired that I wanted to learn the sign language in the first place. As a tool for when I can't hear what someone says, or if I ever go to a lecture/seminary and there's a interpreter there. I don't know.

I'm feeling weird all of a sudden. I've had this lingering feeling I couldn't identify all day, but thought it was just me missing K. But maybe it runs deeper than that. I just don't know, but now I really feel uneasy and sort of... choked. Be careful what you wish for, it always has consequences and you find yourself thinking: I wanted that, but not like this. Now that was about K.

My burn wound is healing but once again I hate that I have to hide my arms under long sleeves in the heat. What is wrong with me? I was gonna stop self harming, stop leaving scars on my body, to be able to go sleeveless in the summer. Oh well, this fucker will heal up in a week or two and then no more scarring. At least where it won't show. Which will basically only leave my butt if I'm gonna go around wearing only shorts soon.

I'm dreading the day I will most likely become a full time alcoholic. Yes, I believe it's just a matter of time before that happens. It was less than a year ago I had my last "outbreak" or what to call it, and I'm already sneaking back into it. But do I want to? No, I'm just tempted. I don't know if I want to. I want the mist cause it's easier to deal with life, especially mine, if I'm drunk.

I have this weird vision, that I've had almost all my life. I see it from first person perspective: I'm driving a car, silvery in colour and all I can see is my arm hanging out the open door window. It's pale and tattooed, my arm, holding a cigarette and a bottle. I can't see the rear-view mirror, and I wonder why. I know it's somehow my future and I know that me is unhappy, driving too fast and possibly to his own death.

Perhaps I see so little of that future me because I couldn't even tell if that me was male or female when I was still a child. Couldn't even tell for sure that it was me. Thinking maybe I would reassign my gender for the wrong reasons if a stupid vision had told me so. I know I don't drink or smoke because of it, and I know I don't want to get tattooed because of it. It's my left arm, why would I have it tattooed? But what I do know is that all of those things in that vision has become true, all but two: I don't have those tattoos and I don't drive.

That vision is like tumblr gif: eternally repeating without a beginning or end. I wish I could see that rear-view mirror, I wonder who would look back at me through it. Maybe someday I'll see the whole movie.