My feminine side

This is strange. Right now I'm wearing a bra in the size I used to be before the surgery (it's very big on me now), but I haven't worn a bra in like six years or so. I just wanted to know how it felt again, and also it's a very good thing that I totally look like a dude wearing women's lingerie. Which is what I am. This has got nothing to do with "detransioning."*

No, I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. Mostly when no one is looking. It doesn't mean that I've "changed" my mind or anything. I'm still a guy, who just happens to like women's clothing to a degree. It doesn't make me any less transsexual just because I like clothes strongly associated with femininity, it doesn't mean I would want to go back. It's transvestism or cross dressing and though it is rare among transsexuals, it's definitely possible.

There's this thing called "faux queen" which is basically transguys going drag queen. That is that term FtMtF (female to male to female) which could of course be a very temporal detransition, just for a night or a show perhaps. When I'm in drag I don't quite care which pronouns people use to refer to me, or which name they use, as long as it's not my birth name. I can be John or Kazanndra or any other female name for that matter. But only in that situation I'm comfortable with that.

It's fun to confuse people, it's fun to dress up and most of all, I feel so masculine. Like it's so really confirming that those clothes, those shoes, that make up and that wig sit so very wrong on me as a man. It's always felt wrong of course, that those clothes just don't quite reflect the actually me. But that is also part of the fun. It's really a form of masquerade, a dress up party, like a costume.

I still have a bunch of clothes for that purpose lying around. A couple of bras with fillings and I should get more of those if I want a heavy rack which I'd be most comfortable to rock, skirts, stockings, tights, high heal boots, tank tops, even jackets and lots of jewellery. I have a tarnished, simple wig with long blonde waves, but I've been thinking of getting a new one. Blonder and in better state than what the one I have is in now.

Still gonna go for a cheap one, and also I might buy another one for Anna as well. We've talked about it, that we could dress me up as her and go to a lonely place somewhere and talk to each other and do things she wants to do. You could almost call it a date, but it's something quite radical to do for a voice in your head. Oh, and when I can get the wig, I'll also sew a dress for her. Something that is in her taste. It would most definitely feel pretty damn weird looking like her.





*Detransition: If you've never heard the term before, it's when you as a transsexual go though treatment (hormones, surgery, etc.) and then want stop and go back to how you were before. What I mean is they stop taking hormones and won't though any(more) surgeries. They stop their transition, basically. Those who do that do it of a vast amount of reasons. Some of those reasons are: they come to terms with their biological sex and decide they still want to be that way. Others still consider themselves as transsexuals but still want to stop their treatment, also that for several different reasons.

I don't look down on them for any reason at all. Some people, mostly other transsexuals, think of these people like fake, that they are a "threat" to the "real" transsexuals. But I think that's total bullshit. There's no faking in this at all. What could be described as "fake" is someone who wants to transition for reasons like: it's cool, wanting to get attention, or just out of a whim even though you know that you aren't transsexual.