In the dark

It feels like my heart is broken, but what could have broken it? He hasn't rejected me, I haven't given him the chance to. Not yet. I still keep him in the dark about my true feelings for him. Still torn between what I want to say and what I want for him to hear. No, they aren't the same. I don't want to burden him, and the real truth might be such a burden. It's heavy shit, not some words one just throws around. And once they're said, I can never take them back. So you see I have to be a bit careful, however painful it is.

The way my heart hurts, my soul bleeds, it's like something is broken deep inside but I just can't explain it. I don't ever want to sleep, I want to wait up for him forever and ever. But eventually I'll have to sleep, I realise that. That's one of very few things I can never escape. But with enough coffee, I might be able to sit up for a couple of days at least.

Is this insanity, to wait up like this? Then maybe if you haven't yet understood how much he means to me, you might now. Maybe it's just sadness over missing him that makes it ache in my heart like a thousand knives. I didn't know this was gonna make it so much harder, actually being closer to him than ever.

I haven't actually told you this, afraid of what you already know that I always fear cause my only concern is him, but we've been chatting almost every day for a little over three weeks now. It makes the days we don't chat so much harder than ever before.

I miss him so crucially that I don't know what to do. I hug myself, rock myself, drink, cut, chain smoke, anything. Oh, and I burn myself too, apparently. Putting out a cigarette on your own arm, now that tends to take your mind off things. Just saying. And then I lit up another one to smoke as if nothing has happened. But the pain in my heart seems to have become a little lighter to carry. But then I will interfere with the healing process the way I always do. It's been a while since my last burn wound, but suppose I still know what to do. The three stages... you don't want to know, trust me. Cause I trust you know how burn wounds heal, compared to shallow cuts.

I miss him so much that I hurt myself, but it's not my only reason for doing so. It's just one of the reasons that I'm prepared to be open about. I'm back in every single bad habit I've ever been practising and I don't know how to stop. I knew the surgery wasn't gonna be a quick fix, though it did change my life. Not in an all powerful kind of way, but in some way it did. It didn't just change my body, you know. But alas, I'm back to self harm.

But enough about that. I'm trying to distract myself as I wait for him to come back online again. Mostly I watch "Angel" and play WoW, listen to music of any kind, write and draw. Anything I can think of. But I can't take my eyes of his pictures, can't think of anything else but him. I'm farming for grisly trophies in WoW as I think about him. I'm watching Angel's gang kill demons and I think of K. He's in everything I do so distractions just don't work anymore. Nothing ever works anymore.