From afar

I think I'm finally getting a hang of this hangover now. I got so fucking wasted two night ago, haven't felt like that in a long time. Seriously, I was so drunk I couldn't even write. Think I got a little dash of dyslexia there. Finally I had some fun, from afar, if that makes any sort of sense. Had some web camming or what to say, with a couple of friends. It was kinda close to awesome. I've missed being around awesome people even if it's "just" over web cam. I don't have any high standards or anything, but I figure most of my friends do.

Cause I'm not stupid, I know why you never call and maybe I don't for the same reason. Like what would we talk about anyway? We barely even chat online anymore. I've been isolating a lot lately, but more lately I've been starting to crawl out from my shell again. Perhaps you've noticed that I tag along in Facebook conversations and that I'm happy if you message me.

But... (there's always a but), I'm not quite ready to take on the whole world just yet. I'm still shy, hesitant and introverted. Slightly misanthropic too. And then there's just one person that I really want to be with. But how would you know? I still haven't told anyone, so to you it could be anyone.

The world out there is still such a cruel place, and I still prefer my own little world. The one I built up on broken dreams, fragile hopes that touch the stars, nightmares, hallucinations, delusions and loneliness. What a world to prefer, huh? I didn't say I like it. Worlds like mine aren't choices, they chose me. And I believe they did that for a reason, whether I like them or not.

I didn't think I'd be jealous, but I kinda am. He's not even mine but still I fear that someone else will take him from me. I took such pride in never being jealous even in the trickiest situations before, so I hate that I feel this way now, but now I understand how other people must be feeling when they're jealous in love. That it's like a form of fear, that everything would be ruined if someone new or old would come along and change things. What never was might never be in the future.

But my hopes are still up, and I notice vague signs, or even hints from him. It could be, if it's not just wishful thinking, or that I might be angling his words to my liking or something. I hope I don't, but it would be subconsciously if I happen to do that. But I think it's possible that he's showing some kind of interest. It's not just wishful thinking to say that we have grown closer to each other during this past month. That can't all be for nothing, right? Though I can never know for sure, until I know for sure, that is.

I won't ever finish this blog entry, seriously I've been at it for two days now. Slowly giving up, so I'll just post it to get rid of it now.