Existence in progress

I think I've been smoking a bit too much again, I can't breathe right. Or rather, I can't take deep breaths. That happens sometimes, nothing to worry about really, cause it will pass. It's just annoying for a day or so. And I keep smoking of course.

I fell asleep today, somewhere around noon. (Well, technically yesterday). First I thought I was just gonna sleep for a few hours or so, but then I didn't want to wake up. The world seemed so dull without his presence, too cruel to live in. I wasn't going temporarily suicidal, just gave up for a few hours, that's all. I'm back to my old self now again.

I do that sometimes, go to sleep as a means to escape reality. I'm gonna try to go back to sleep again in an hour or so, to get those sleeping habits back into normal rhythm.

*

I still get weird tingly feelings in my chest sometimes. I think it's the nerves regenerating. I've read about that somewhere, that it can take several months for them to do that. I don't quite care though. I have full sensation in the one place I wanted that, which is right vertically on the middle, kinda "between" where the tits were. I suppose it's a weird place for having such sensation, but hey I am kinda weird.

I haven't been writing much about my post op experiences lately, or what to say. Mostly because there hasn't been that much to report. It's healing. No more complications. I care for my scars with zinc paste and moisturising when needed. Should probably massage and shit too, cause it's a bit hard at some places, but nah. It will soften up with time. I'm still careful with my movements and such, cause I don't want to stretch the scars so that they become wider.

I think it's good that I'm so pale, cause then when the scars have faded to that light pink/white colour they won't show much. It's like on my arms, you can't really see the scars if you're not looking at them up close. But still hoping for my arms to get more hairy. Well, my chest will get more hairy too, and I don't know if I'd like that or not. Probably depends on how it will turn out.

*

I've totally decided I will continue being completely honest with K about everything. But if there's something I don't want to tell, I'll just tell him that with an explanation. Cause I still believe communication is the key to any good relationship, whether it be romantic or friendship. I've fucked up too much by lying my ass off, even though no one seem to have suspected that I haven't been honest with them. Those who know specifically have mostly just been disappointed with me though. But still.

I don't know about you, but I think it's quite radical of me to stop lying just like that for him. He means so much to me I'd literally do anything, anything for him so stop lying is quite a piece of cake in that sense. I'm going back to my old self, when I was completely honest about basically everything to everyone. Well, not to everyone this time, I'll still lie to some, if not most people. If I find it necessary. But I won't lie to him. That is my new rule I've made for myself. And some rules just shouldn't be broken.

You know that I hate rules and break most of them whenever I can just because they bug me. It's because I can't stand it when people try to control me. But it's different with my own rules, cause I want to gain control over myself, and making rules for myself is a neat way for me to do that.