Cure us

Anyone here heard the term "mirror neuron"? Apparently it's a type of cells in your brain that can cause you to, when you care so much for another person, start mirroring their feelings and/or behaviour. Not purposely or willingly, but more like you're synchronised with that person. Like when you care and feel empathy so strongly that you also feel what they feel. Literally.

Cause I have that, according to my psychologist, whom I just saw earlier today. About my feelings for K. My love for him runs so deep it even has a psychological term. I might not have understood it exactly how she told me, but I think I'm pretty close. Also she agreed it was panic attacks that I had before, as we both read up on the symptoms for such. She gave me some good advice too, so it was definitely worth leaving my computer for almost three hours for.

I'm so sick with worry and hard feelings I don't know the names of. Yes, I'm mirroring him right now. His darkness clouds my vision, his darkness is now also partially mine. Maybe I want to suffer for him, instead of him. If only I could. It wouldn't be the best of ideas, but I'd be more than willing to carry his burden for him.

But it is breaking me too, but somehow I feel as though I'm strong enough to handle it. That it was harder when the darkness that fell upon me was mine, and mine alone, than it is to help him carry his darkness. I tried my best, I tried my fucking best to make him feel better today, but I think I failed. Maybe he was just inconsolable today and that's okay, sometimes we all are.

But I can't shake this feeling of sadness and emptiness, as though nothing will ever get better. This is awful, but sometimes I can't help but wonder, a thought that never quite reaches the surface. Would I have fallen for him if I knew he was such a chaos? I most likely would have though. But isn't it awful, thinking that maybe I shouldn't have, maybe this is too much for me? But then again, am I not myself too much for anyone else?

But I think, that if we ever end up together, we could work on keeping each other strong. I carry his chaos and he carries mine, that we could make it work together. Is that naive of me? That I think love could make us stronger, that love can in some small way cure us? I dare not believe such foolishness, but I can't help it. I will most likely get disappointed if it ever comes to that though. Because love is not a cure, it's just an emotion.