Fear

Oh my fucking god! Just trying to process a short dream that I just had. It started out with the fairly harmless, witty joke: "This is is Scotty, don't ever call him Scotland." and I saw a lonesome man in a suit sitting down by a table in some kind of building. Could have been a café but looked more like a conference room. Then he pulled up the dead and badly rotten body of a man into his lap, feet first. The body wasn't clothed except from the crotch. The man apparently named Scotty then proceeded to carefully and slowly unwrap the dead guy's dick and I could hear at first a faint pounding from it, as if he was about to unleash some kind of monster from the layers and layers of fabric, then the pounding increased in strength for every beat... I managed to somehow force myself awake before the guy was finished with the unwrapping, and I knew exactly what his intentions was. I just shudder at the horror of it... But in case I'm not clear enough, I knew his intention was to put whatever was left of the dead guy's dick into his mouth.

Okay... moving on. Before that dream, I had a quite long, dark, complicated and confusing dream about us. I cannot possibly include every single detail of it for three reasons: 1) it's fading from my memory, 2) I'm too tired to write that much, and 3) I don't want to reveal way too personal details about you online. However, the dream kinda started with that you visited me in Sweden, suddenly you were just there. We half shared a very long night. I couldn't sleep so I went up to draw, but it was so dark in the room that I didn't see (or in any other way notice, apparently) that you later also got up because you couldn't sleep either. We ended up in separate rooms and by the time I was tired enough to crawl back into bed again, I noticed you weren't there. I tried to go back to sleep but was still unable too, I couldn't figure out where to you had gone. The next morning I woke up and some hours later you told me via facebook that you had gone back home again. It had for me been a misunderstanding that you had only planned on staying one night and I was pretty upset by the outcome.

Moving on into the same dream. I woke up at a party with no memory of how I got there or where I was. For some reason I couldn't figure out what language people were talking but I used English whenever I would talk to someone. It was a to me very strange party, dark, gloomy and the atmosphere was very intense. You were at the party too, blending into the mass of people trying to fit in all the many small rooms, while I didn't quite blend in as I was mostly just lost and tried to not lose you in the crowd, but what I was more afraid of, was losing you to the darkness of that party.

Basically, what was going on were a lot of heavy drugs, downright dystopia and people were losing their minds until they basically became just shells. They became deeply depressed, overdosed, dozed off and wouldn't wake up. Not technically dead, but lost. I lost my best friend in that dream, as I found her near the end of it, lost in that vegetative-state. I tried to wake her up but when I was told there's no use, I wrapped her up in blankets on the sofa she was lying in cause it looked like she was cold, shivering. And then I sat there, adjusting the blankets, for quite some time.

Mostly I ran around in the rooms trying to find you and not lose track of you. I tried to convince that please don't take more drugs. You were still able to walk around, even talk but not a lot, but you weren't coherent or showing any signs of emotion, and you didn't seem to recognise me or understand what I was trying to tell you. I often found you in the bathroom. You were then standing in line waiting for your turn, but you never got in there. So you just continued to walk around seemingly aimlessly. You changed clothes a bunch of times and I also often found you among a group of people who were your friends but they were strangers to me and I didn't trust them at all. They kept inviting you do to more drugs and lead you to different rooms all the time.

As I still couldn't figure out where I was I eventually asked a small group of not so heavily drugged people where I was, like in which country. They just stared at me as if I was crazy, but then I explained my situation and that I often used to travel between Sweden and Germany. Then they seemed to think I was alright so they gave me the answer that we were in Dortmund. (My memory is crappy so I just now had to google it to see if it was a real place or something my mind made up).

It wasn't until the very end of the dream that things finally turned brighter again. We were alone just outside of the building, breathing in the fresh air, when you suddenly told me that you wanted to show me, I'm not gonna say it straight out here, but what about you that you've been trying to decide if you would want for me to see or not, meaning in reality. In my dream you didn't wait for an answer but I was quick to stop you, I looked deeply into your eyes and told that it was not the best time or place to make that decision, I urged you to truly think about it. Cause although I was excited, it was more important that you would feel comfortable and not regret it if or when you'd sober up again. We sat there for a while as I saw you were trying your best to think in that situation. Eventually you did break through the drugs and slowly started to become yourself again. We embraced each other tightly and just couldn't stop crying.

Do I have some fear maybe, of losing you, kinda showing through heavily in my dream? I do think however that the drugs were just an example. There are many ways to lose someone. I am so glad for the happy ending though. Saved me from waking up in utter distress. Though it was very sad seeing my best friend like that in the dream. But for some reason I feel detached from that part of the dream, maybe because I refused to truly accept that she was gone. Then I was more affected by seeing in you in that state, watching you damaging yourself further, and feeling utterly helpless in the situation no matter what I did. That was scary to say the least.

Just finished my cup of caffeine free coffee and time is 6:12 am. I've already been up for more than an hour writing this and trying to remember. The dreams bring up more thoughts than feelings. They're there, but they're subtle. Don't know if I'll go back to sleep or not yet. I have school soon.