Halfway

Everything feels empty, shallow. Like it doesn't really exist. I lied down on the couch with a cigarette and an hour went by. I don't know if I fell asleep or not. I watched a movie that I hadn't seen before. It was about a girl, maybe around 12 years old, who was abused by both her parents and she had a connection with her twin sister who had committed suicide. Now it lingers, and somehow some aspects of that girl follow me now. Her silence. The way she viewed the world around her. Maybe I'm making my own interpretation, I don't know. It's like everything around me became distant, vague, further away. It's like I keep staring at random normal objects but I can't understand what they are, or if they're real.

My level of consciousness seems to have changed into this strange, slow, disconnected state. I'm not entirely dissociating, but halfway there. So many times I've been there: halfway. It feels like I'm falling and falling expecting to reach the bottom or ground but I never do. I just keep falling. Falling through life.

I thought I was better after my wake-up call, that I was getting better again, but today hasn't been good. It hasn't been bad either, cause I wasn't here. I wasn't anywhere. The whole forenoon and over noon I sat on my chair, watching my mother and sister move my moving boxes back and forth between my apartments, I think it was three times. I just sat there, unable to really do anything. My sister said she had found something I had written online, from 2011 and she hugged me and said she now understood me better. She didn't specify what it was that she found though. I can only really rule out the thing when I was 9, because I know I didn't start writing about that before 2013. Whatever.

The rest of the day went by, unnoticeably. I forgot most of it. Oh yeah, I fell asleep on the couch soon after they had gone and I dreamed about a lost cat of my family's. It was a happy dream, and it tore me to pieces. I wished to not have to dream again for a while. I wished dreamless sleep, cause even the good dreams make me feel shitty upon waking up. I want no dreams at all.

That was when this empty, detachment started. A certain sadness lingers within me, but I don't know why it's there or where it came from. I'm not completely apathetic, I can still do things. Like cooking, eating, smoking, writing, but I am only halfway aware of what I'm doing. I believe that if someone would look me in my eyes now they would clearly see that I'm not quite alright. But I would appear, still somewhat functioning.

I cannot seem to fix my sleeping pattern, it is totally wrecked. I sleep around 5-6 hours in the morning until my mother usually wakes me up upon arriving at my front door, then I'm awake for some time, but crash in bed or couch around noon. Sleep for a couple of hours, then up again. Then that repeats. I usually take two to three naps a day because I'm literally unable to stay awake. I fell asleep trying to stay awake, sitting in uncomfortable positions by my desk, several times today. Nothing seems to work. I do eat food, at least one cooked meal a day, several sandwiches and often some sweets too. I do drink a lot of coffee. I try to go to bed earlier but it's hopeless.

I do dread tomorrow. My uncle is gonna come by and help me, my mother and possibly also my sister to move my furniture to the new apartment, and they're gonna come early. Of course. I won't have gotten that much sleep, I'm just gonna assume, and I'll probably be even more lethargic, exhausted and apathetic. If I'll even be able to get out of bed.

Oh, I forgot to mention. Something else that's been tormenting me today was intense stomachache which I could only figure out was menstrual cramps. I had no pain killers at home, they had been taken to my new apartment. But after resting on the couch for that hour, the pain had gone. And I'm indifferent to the relief I'm supposed to feel.