Yesterday I ended up on a video by Onision on youtube in which he talked about why he loves Lucifer and dislikes God. Then I ended up on a response video to that, a lot of opinionated bullshit, but... that guy talked about something apparently called "Luciferianism" which sounds a lot like my own damn belief. I mean a lot. And here I'm sitting thinking maybe I've been going by the wrong religion all the time (these past 3 years). To say that I'm a Theistic Satanist implies that I would worship Satan, which completely isn't true. I don't worship deities, I know better than that.
I do however have a very strong impression that God is evil and that Lucifer or Satan is the good guy and that's why I follow him instead. Onision seems to agree with me. I haven't yet found many who think/feel like me when it comes to my religious views and they seem to be rather uncommon. Or uncommon enough to make it difficult for me to research. I know that my religious views are all over the place though, as I do have sort of a reversed Christian belief (minus the worship of any deity) but also believe in reincarnation, souls, magic, other dimensions and so on. Things like that that don't always fit into any Christian or Satanic religion.
Yeah I get hung up on labeling myself because that's how I learn to understand myself. But I'll definitely try to look up Luciferianism and see what that's all about, in more detail and as a whole. Now I don't see Lucifer/Satan really as my savior or that he's gonna do more than he's already done or I don't know. All I know is that whether or not it was a hallucination, I was in direct contact with a voice presenting itself as Satan, mainly during spring and summer of 2013. I was in some kind of agony over the fact that my medical transition to male took forever and I was stuck in a catch 22.
On one hand they said I had to be mentally stable to start hormones and get surgery, but on the other hand I knew I could never become mentally stable without hormones and surgery. By the time of spring 2013 I had waited for 4 years and I got desperate. I found Satan or he found me, and essentially, I swore my life over to him in a blood oath, cause I knew he would help me. But I had no idea how, when or why. Did I mention I was desperate?
Summer 2013 I got into a psych ward cause I had given up on life (again) but this time my reason for being suicidal was the exceptionally crappy trans health care system. When they said they couldn't help me at the ward, I attempted suicide in my room but obviously failed. When I woke up from it, I prayed to Satan to please help me. The next day they all said that everything was fixed and I was gonna get hormones by fall and then surgery not long after. Coincidence? I think not.
So, the deal was that the trans team in Uppsala was supposed to send some fucking papers to the team in Huddinge which I had transferred to about a year earlier. It took about 6 months for me to get established at Huddinge or what to say, until I got my first appointment with them, and then it took literally 6 months for Uppsala to send a bunch of papers. Nothing happened, nothing happened, then bam, everything was ready right after my prayer.
I cannot possibly know for sure if the voice I was interacting with during that time was the real Satan or if it was a hallucination, but who- or whatever I prayed to answered my prayer and fulfilled it. And no matter how psychotic I might or might not have been, I do still believe that that was the actual Satan/Lucifer that saved my life that day, exactly 3 years ago. And that's why I'm a Satanist, or Luciferian, or whatever word I should use.
It changed my world, yet I'm so scared of telling people this. Am I just that crazy? To believe such a thing? I am sure, absolutely certain, that it was not God who answered my prayer. That god and I have some history, and we don't quite get along. There's no reason what so ever that he would have even wanted to save me, to my own personal belief. I know it's different from how most people who believe in God view him. I do say "he/him" when referring to God cause I think he's a dick. No but seriously, I've always just felt like male vibes from him somehow. It's a lot more likely that God has no gender because he's not a human being or an animal, but whatever. It's my interpretation, that's all.
I can't focus on youtube or reading articles right now. So I guess my search for the right label for my religious views will have to wait until another day.
Day two. I found a rather short and succinct video on youtube about Luciferianism. A random guy just mentioned what he had found through "research" and I'm not 100% sure of how source critical I should be, but according to people in the comment section they agreed with him. So anyhow, I did write down some notes as some kind of guide or reminder or I don't know. It's still a bit confusing to me and I'm not quite sure if I get it. From what I do understand, I think, is that apparently these type of belief systems such as Christianity, Luciferianism, Satanism they are either right hand path (Christianity) or left hand path (the other two) and I'm sort of getting what they mean by that.
The guy also mentioned the difference between Lucifer and Satan. That Lucifer is the angel, "light bringer" or "morning star" and a good guy; while Satan is well yeah who/what most people believe, the evil guy with horns or to atheistic Satanists more of a symbol. According to the guy in the video I just watched, there are both Luciferians who are theistic as well as atheistic, and most believers/followers do not worship Lucifer but that worshiping is more common among extremists/fanatics.
He also said there were a lot of conspiracy theories circling around that belief system, and someone in the comment section said that it's more of a philosophy than a religion. Apparently they don't believe in Heaven and Hell, which I found rather odd. Gotta look into that a bit more. Magic practices and believing in magic is apparently included though, and it focuses a lot on self improvement. Then he also mentioned that Alister Crowley's teaching have some effect on Luciferianism as well but I didn't really understand how or how much or whatever cause he didn't go into that in more detail.
All in all, yeah it sounds like a pretty reasonable belief system for me, except from a few things here and there. So far, I mean. And I also keep getting this cringy feeling that this is in fact a sect that I'm looking into. I'm not so keen on ever joining a sect. However no one is saying I have to devote my heart soul and body and all of my entire life into something just because I can't find anything better. I might never join anything regarding belief systems or keep jumping in and out of different ones throughout my entire life. Or I'll start my own damn religion.
But, of course I can't help that I do wish to belong to something, be a part of a community with like-minded people, you know? I will just have to make sure I know what the fuck I'm doing before jumping into anything. The thing about most religions and belief systems of any kind is that they usually have a whole bunch of set rules that everyone following it are supposed to just abide to and I'm not like that. I walk my own path, my motto is "my world, my rules" so god damn much that I literally want it tattooed on my chest as soon as I can bloody afford it.
So maybe I shouldn't even look into joining another belief system just for the sake of belonging and being a part of a community. Maybe what I should do is keep doing what I am doing, sort of. Ditch Satanism, wear my necklace with Lucifer's sigil and proudly say to anyone who asks that yes I believe in this and that but no religion is good enough for my very precise and important beliefs. As with everything else about me, my religious views don't fit in the box. I've always had to make my own damn boxes or ditch the boxes entirely. I don't fit into squares.
So no, if after what I would call enough research I still feel as though this isn't right either, I would not "just go with it" or anything. Then I would skip the whole damn thing and figure out something else. I know I tend to get obsessed with finding the right labels for myself and some I've found right away, while others have taken my entire life and I still can't find the right ones. It makes me wonder if maybe I'm one of a kind. That there's no one else facing the same problem or experience. It feels lonely then. It makes me feel alienated and estranged, like I don't belong anywhere, that I'm left out.
But at the same time I can't help also feeling a bit proud of myself, and partially I do embrace my uniqueness. I do know that it is something truly valuable, but I also know that it's not easy to live with. Yes, I might have others' support and acceptance, but I can never have their full understanding.
However. I do have a classmate who is a Satanist and she's open about it. I kinda told her at one point or another that I'm a Satanist too but didn't give her my story. I didn't explain it at all. So I'm pretty sure she thinks my views are the same or similar to hers, which they are not. I would like to discuss it with her as she is great to discuss things like religion with. I don't know how much she knows about other religions though, or even other kinds of Satanism than the path she follows. I have no idea what she would think about my story. Cause I can imagine it's not exactly a very common story that most people have.
But the thing is that I've never discussed my beliefs with anyone. And I think I need to if not to just release some of that pressure within me. Now, I've always believed in deities/gods ever since I was really young. I remember praying to God in secrecy when I was somewhere around 7 years old, and probably before that age as well. I don't remember what I prayed for, but probably love or good luck or possibly for the shit to stop at school (referring the bullying). I did that in secrecy because I didn't want for my parents to know what I was doing, I was scared that they'd get ideas or something. They being atheists/agnostics with the idea that Christianity is utter bullshit.
They were still teaching bible studies at school when I was in elementary school during mid to late 1990's. It was then I kinda also thought that Christianity was bullshit and that the bible was just a very messy fairy tale, but I did believe in God, Satan, Heaven and Hell. It was just that my own personal belief was very different from the Christian belief. And I couldn't understand the religion itself. However I did a second attempt to better understand the religion when I was 14 and got confirmed at one of the two local churches. My only explanation for this is that I was curious, and because I couldn't by that time find a more fitting belief system that included those deities.
I've always felt a sort of strange pulling between God and Lucifer (probably should use that name instead of Satan) as if they were both trying to make me choose side. I came into some kind of contact with Satanism the first time fall 2007 when I was 18 years old. A former classmate of my best friend was into that religion and we spoke a bit about it one night when we spontaneously met at a pub. But I've never felt or thought that the deity I was trying to decide if I should follow or not was evil, as Satanism usually portrays Satan. Maybe that was why I didn't jump straight into Satanism by the time I was 18.
It just didn't feel like it fit. For me, I've always had my beliefs set from start and then I've tried to, quite desperately and obsessively, find a belief system that matches those beliefs. I don't know how other people do it, but I certainly never just googled various religions and philosophies and then pointed at one and said "I want that one". No, I am looking for something very specific, that I might never be able to find.
Is it the truth? My belief? No, I wouldn't see it that way. All I can say is that it's my truth, my experiences, my thoughts and feelings. Reality is different for everyone. I believe in every single God and deity ever historically mentioned and a few more. To me, there is no right or wrong belief or religion, you've just gotta find what is right for you. I believe everyone's world is different. Some have Gods in their worlds, others do not. Some have been reincarnated, others have not. Some have a Heaven or Hell waiting for them, others do not. I don't think one thing would exclude the existence of another. This world, this reality, is far more complicated than anyone can ever even begin to understand.
In my world however, all gods and deities exist in some way, but the religions, the belief systems, are entirely created by humans. And there's nothing wrong with that, humans need such things. It's a result of the group mentality, that people generally want to group up into communities and feel like they belong somewhere. I don't find that strange or bad. I don't think religions are bad, but yes they can be harmful depending on how they are practiced. But even then, it's not the religion itself doing harm but the people following that religion.
So no, I'm not against any religion or belief system, I'm just trying to find which one might be right for me. I am a very religious person but I have no religion, and somehow that tends to clash in my head. And I feel as though this is actually an important thing in my life, something that I do need to figure out. I believe it can help me if I can understand my own beliefs better, if not fully. Cause for one thing, I can't understand how I can so strongly believe in God and Lucifer, Heaven and Hell, at the same time as I just as strongly believe in reincarnation. Those rarely seem to be lumped up in the same belief system and it bugs me.
I need a tailored religion to fit my beliefs. But where can I find such a thing? And also, my demon heritage plays in to this as well. The kind of demon I was/am is I believe similar to those of a Christian/Satanic view. What's that word now again... ah yes, "goethic" demon. To deny those right/left hand path believe systems would literally go against what I truly am. But I'm a reincarnated goethic demon and I think most people following any of those belief systems would just say "huh?" about that. Like it has no fucking logic according to those religions. Argh, it makes my head hurt trying to figure this shit out.
I think I will have to stop soon and post this before it becomes an entire book on how to be completely confused about one's religious bullshit. I will surely get back to this topic again someday, but perhaps not before I leave for Germany. But who knows, I might not be able to let go of it now, I don't know. I wasn't sure if I've ever told you about why my beliefs are the way they are and why I chose to be a Satanist back in spring 2013. But that it's changing now, and I might consider ditching that religion for something else or for no belief system at all. I have not decided anything yet, I think I need to figure out more shit first. So in the middle of this process, I give you my thoughts.
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