In the shadows

I'm avoiding my feelings as much as I can these days. Just trying to keep do what I want to do, drawing, writing and playing WoW, that is. But I'm not numb, I'm not empty. I know my feelings are there, I just suppress them, push them back to where they came from. You're on my mind a lot, and you're in my heart. It stings and hurts when I think about what happened between us. I just feel this dark chaos ravaging within me, twisting and tearing. No, I'm not fine either, I just haven't been able to, or wanting to, reach into what's going on within me to tell it to you here on this blog.

But reality hit me again in these past few days, from different directions and it's getting difficult to ignore that chaos within me. I read and saw what you posted on your tumblr yesterday, but was too tired to get anything word-like out of me right then, so I'm reacting to it today instead. I got the feeling that maybe you expected to hear more from me since we departed, on my blog or on tumblr or wherever, but that now that I haven't... it affected you. I tried so many times, since Wednesday last week, to get words out of me to put out there, but kept on failing. I honestly am not sure what's going on within me these days. I feel the void, the weight, the sadness that still grows within me, but somehow I'm also capable of not focusing on that.

But I want for you to know that I do feel and I'm here. I haven't left your side, I would never do that, no matter what. I'm in the shadows, but not letting you out of my sight. I too have tears I can't cry, I too feel cut off from myself. Are feelings dangerous? I'm not sure, but what I've been told they're not, but what is dangerous is what they can make you do, how they can affect your behaviour. Then it's your behaviour that is dangerous, not the feelings themselves. But I know, I've been asking myself that question for a long time and my answer is always different. I recognise myself a lot in what you wrote, it is as if I could have written it myself.

I wish to wrap you in my arms and hold you tight. Distance. I can't help but wonder, will it do more harm than good to us? I need you close to me, but I also need to let you go. And what I mean by that is to stop clinging and start inviting you instead. Stop being so dependent on you, be more dependent on myself instead. Learn to stand on my own two feet. Please know that I still care, that I still love and wish to change things. But yes, I'm hurting too.

I wrote this poem on Sunday when I dared to face some of my feelings for a little while. I believe it might tell you a bit of what's going on within me these days.

Dead end streets

Sorrow glistens with a hidden past
in the iris of my eyes, in my shadow cast
framed by fear of losing what can't be lost
I feel within me what I need the most

Numb with what I can't comprehend
forgot the beginning, didn't reach the end
when all the roads are dead end streets
I'm lost without reason in your heartbeats

I wait for what will break the stillness asunder
careless and careful in the same step, I wonder
about all the lyrics stuck on my mind
and all the memories I couldn't leave behind

Uncertainty shapes my future but your light
warms my heart and puts stars in my night
but I'm suffocated by the silence of snow
trapped in my throat that's all I know

And I used to enjoy the morning breeze
capturing my breath high up in the trees
now I stray underneath a hidden moon
still holding on to the word soon